The Speedy, the Curious, and the Bad in Bed

by A Dude

I’ve been overall single for coming up on two years. There’s been periods of hookups, few-month flings, crushes, flirtations etc., the norm. But I keep coming up against this … thing … happening, and I just want to put this out there, see what a dude has to say about it!

I keep meeting guys who seem like they are into me, and they are! But just as friends, I guess? Like, they have no problem texting all throughout the day, visiting me at work, seeming so excited to see me, telling me funny stories, and being interested in my funny stories, but it just never goes past this. Twice I’ve had to either physically make a move or straight up say something only to be turned down! “Our friendship is too important” BOTH TIMES. Anyway, I’m going to throw humility aside and say that I am a smart, funny, outgoing, enthusiastic, cute/pretty, stylish, fucking cool-ass girl! The only thing about me that I can think of — the only thing about me that’s “wrong” by societal standards — is that I’m not a skinny little thing! I have meat on my bones, you know? I’m overall healthy, eat well, run, yoga … but yeah man, this is my body! I do live in hipster central where there are skinnies all over, but I’m 90% comfortable and confident, and I feel good in my skin until I get rejected by a guy who I can tell really likes me as a person and as a friend, but as a girlfriend? not so much. I don’t want this to be the case. It makes me sad to think that it is, but I just don’t know what else it could be!

And so, my question is: Are these ‘extra’ 20/25 pounds really that important to dudes? Could they really be the thing that would make an otherwise ‘yes’ a ‘no’? Thanks!

Oof! Just read this over again and the line “the only thing that is ‘wrong’ with me” is so ego … I don’t mean that. There’s plenty wrong with me, I’m sure, it’s just the one thing that uncomfortably pops out enough for me to write.

Ooh, part two: Also, stretch marks. They’re mostly on my tummy and are noticeable, but not like, “damnnn…are you Octomom?” So my question is … where does this fall on a scale of “you’re perfect the way you are” to “get some cocoa butter or something”? The thing is, they’re difficult to get rid of!

The only thing that’s worse than using one man as the springboard for some sweeping, self-doubting generalizations is using two men. Look at you: You say this happened “Twice.” And: “BOTH TIMES.” What if Marie Curie had tried out just two types of fungus? What if Ben Franklin flew his kite up into the sky just two fucking times? We’d all be dead. In the dark.

Your problem isn’t your dress size, it’s your sample size. This is bad science. You’re drawing lazy conclusions based on a pitiful amount of research. Instead of blaming your body, go date a few dozen more dudes — and watch your fucked/not-fucked data sets even out. That’s all it will take. Your body sounds hot! You sound great, except for being lazy, dating-wise. Twenty-five pounds? Guys don’t understand pounds. We understand blowjobs. Stretchmarks? To see these, I’m guessing you’d have to be naked? Awesome. If you really are 90% comfortable and confident, that’s the best thing you could possibly have going for you. That’s what’s sexy. Really, what most guys want is to get someone into bed and find out that the woman enjoys being naked, which is to say, that she isn’t going to cry, have a panic attack, nervously dismiss her own body/fish for complements, start talking about kids, demand minutely specific and repetitive movements, or bark strangely specific directions for where the guy should deposit his cum. So hold onto that confidence, go on lots of dates with men in the pursuit of scientific understanding, and have fun.

After this, maybe you’ll appreciate the lovely fact that there are two — two, ha! — dudes who don’t only want to bone you. Sounds like they’re cool, positive, and platonic — that’s hard! Single guys generally want to fuck just about any vaguely age-appropriate woman on this side of the horizon, except, sometimes, for their close friends. This is a very healthy anomaly. Otherwise, we’d be hitting on you all even more than we do already, which hardly seems possible.

I have a problem where I come faster than most guys. I understand that the problem is that some guys don’t last long enough for the woman to get off, but I’m the other way around! I do have a problem where my muscles are way too tight making sex difficult sometimes (been to therapy for this), but I just happen to come within like 10 minutes no matter what. Everyone I’ve asked just says, “Lucky you, that’s not a problem,” but it is! I get too sensitive to keep going for the guy, and end up just having to finish them a different way. But that’s not fair to him! Blegh, what should I do?!

That’s so hot — sorry. Where were we? Seriously, your problem might go away, and it might not. Who knows? I’m not a doctor, I’m a dude. So, like my fellow dude Mary Poppins, I’m going to advise you to take the spoonful of sugar approach: “In every job that must be done, there’s an element of fun.”

So why not take your problem and — snap! — turn it into a game. Like: Ten Minutes in Heaven. Or: Red Wire/Blue Wire: Install a giant, bright-red LED clock on your wall, and tell your man he has 10 minutes to make you come or you won’t give him the bomb codes. Or: He Shoots, He Scores: It’s overtime in the Finals of the NCAA Sex League, and if he doesn’t come in 10 minutes, Duke wins. Other ideas: Titanic (“Once more before we drown!”), Cuban Missile Crisis (“The nukes will hit New York in 10 minutes!”), The Abyss (“We’re running out of air!”), Porno Point Break (“Before we hit the ground!”), or Star Trek (“The Klingon atmosphere will kill us in 10 minutes, but you’re so hot…”). A fun game could get you both on the same schedule (and by tweaking this to 15 minutes, you might even extend your time limit).

Whatever you do, just tell guys about your issue, OK? Don’t freak out without explaining the situation. And don’t make too big of a deal out of it. This may feel major, but it’s not like you can’t come without listening to whale song, or without being peed on, or without punching guys till they bleed. Make a joke of it, talk about it, relax, and accept your body as-is, because it might never change. Even just 10 minutes of sex can be enjoyable in the most delightful way. Or so I hear.

Threesomes, right? I’ve had some in my day, including an arrangement with a married couple (my first sexual experience, actually), a short triple-girlfriend relationship (great sex, but then I graduated from college), and a few triangular one-night stands. I’m about a 3.5 on the Kinsey scale, but I deeply love my husband of four years and want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of our lives. Well, maybe a little more …

I’d love for him to experience a MFF threesome. I’m the only person he’s ever been with (or even kissed) and I’m sometimes sad that he didn’t get any of the fun sex that I did before we got together. We’ve talked about inviting someone to be with us, and I’m open to whatever — a pro or a friend or even a long-term thing if we met someone we liked a lot. He’s totes into girl-on-girl, porn, and sex talk and everything, but he doesn’t want to consider another actual person in our bed. I’m not afraid of losing him, but I think he’s afraid that something might make him sexually happier than I do (I’m not his preferred body type) and he doesn’t want to want anything but me. If it means anything, I have a higher sex drive than he does.

I want to make him happy and maybe get a little more sex for myself, preferably with him involved (even if he just watches). Is his fear of desiring our third more than me realistic? Is it really a thing to get off to the idea of something but not want it? Does he think I don’t want it? Having made the request, should I just back off until/unless he brings it up sometime down the road? We’re talking about kids in the next few years, so I’d like more sex while the sexing is good. Ultimately, though, his happiness is the most important thing to me.

Thanks for any help you can give me, A Dude.

First off, dudes don’t just run around saying they don’t want threesomes. That’s like a kid saying he doesn’t want a pet dragon. If your loving husband wants to sabotage your ménage, maybe you should respect his opinion (even if you and I both think he’s lost his fucking mind). You say you “want to make him happy” — but it doesn’t sound like you’re listening to him. You just speculate. So I will too: He’s never had sex with anyone else because you’ve been so important to him. He might just love you that much. Everyone has plenty of opportunities to cheat, and it sounds like he hasn’t. Maybe he’s just not interested in other women as anything other than fantasies that make the sex with you hotter — especially since it turns you on so much.

If not, maybe he’s just practical, since it’s easy to overcomplicate a sexual relationship, and marriages are hard enough already. Sometimes when one partner is constantly raising the kink bar, it can transform the bedroom into an uncomfortable laboratory, where you never know what toy’s coming out next (and going into which orifice). Sometimes the thirds can throw the couple off balance in ways that aren’t sexual at all. (Side note: I was at a wedding once where a third in the instable newlyweds’ occasional MFF threesomes warbled a Sarah MacLauchlan ballad, horribly, in front of friends and family, and the sound permanently killed any desire I might have had for for a threesome-within-marriage. Maybe your husband was there too?)

The bottom-line: If you want to lick a woman’s pussy while she’s going down on your husband, great. Just don’t project your desire onto him. Own your desire. “Does he think I don’t want it?” How should I know? Ask him. More importantly, tell him what you want, straight-up, and sell him on why this fantasy would get you off, instead of pretending it’s great for both of you, when it might not be. If he says he’s not into it, believe him. If a guy is turning down a threesome, he must have a good reason. Though, honestly, you can probably wear him down.

First things first, and I don’t mean to be cocky, I’m pretty great in bed. I’m adventurous. I know what I like, but am not afraid to try new things. I get off pretty quickly (and often) and I love pleasing my partner(s). With good reason, I love sex. In loving relationships. With guys I just met. Whatever. So here’s my problem, sigh, I like a boy who’s bad in bed.

I met him a few weeks ago, in sort of a merging of our two friend groups, and we hit it off pretty much right away. He’s pretty awesome, and we get along super well. A couple weeks ago, I went home with him after a night out. It was pretty awkward, and there were some, errh, *softness* problems. But, I chalked it up to the fact that I was a bit nervous because this was my first time, ahem, back on the horse since the end of an intense relationship (full of incredible sex). Plus, it was super late, we were drunk, and whiskey dick happens, whatever. So, we hung out some more last week. No sex, no awkwardness. We were out again on Saturday, I figured, I’d give it another try, so I invited him over. This time it was significantly less awk, but he couldn’t get it up, and when he finally did get it up, he lost it again. And then again. Which, sure, we’d been drinking since brunch, whiskey dick, again? That’s fine. I’ve had other partners who at times had *softness* issues. It’s totally forgivable when someone is like, sorry, this happens sometimes, but here let’s have some more fun with my tongue/fingers/toys. Nope. Zero creativity. He just apologized, and promised he’d be on top of his game in the morning. OK.

Next morning. Boy, was I ready to take advantage of some morning wood. We start going at it. It was not mind blowing in any way, but dear god was I pent up from the night before. I start coming, and …wait for it… he lost it! Not all the way, but most of the way. I mean, I could barely feel him. So, I kept going at it, hoping that hardness will miraculously come back, plus I figured it’s the polite thing to do. And get this, he came! His semi-soft dick got off!

First, I didn’t know it was possible to lose a boner in the middle of sex. I’ve had a variety of uncomfortable interruptions that have not caused a (partial or complete) loss of boner *while inside me.* Does that happen? Second, how did he get off with his semi-soft dick? Is this a medical thing (he’s 32)? Is this a he’s-not-that-into-me thing? Finally, what the hell do I do now? He’s a great guy. And again, I very much enjoy his company. We have great chemistry outside of bed, but I’m not sure there is much future in this sexual relationship. This is so new to me. I’ve found myself in plenty of situations when I enjoyed screwing someone, but had no interest in hanging out with them again. But never a situation when I definitely wanted to continue hanging out with someone, but wasn’t sure that I want to sleep with him again. Help?

That sucks. I’ve got four ideas for you:

1) Ask your dude what’s going on. Is this a normal problem? Is he freaked out by you and the exhibitionist way you brag about how awesome you are in bed and how incredible the sex was with your last dude? It’s much more efficient to ask him than a random Dude. I have no idea what’s going on with this guy.

2) Buy a jug of Viagra. (Obviously.)

3) That sounds like a lot of whiskey dick for the first few dates. Male or female, alcoholics are generally terrible lays. This guy might need an intervention. Is his drinking a bigger problem than his softness? The same problem? Are you drinking him under the table?

4) Maybe you two shouldn’t be having sex. If you don’t have that kind of chemistry, let it go. Also, 4.1) Seriously, buy that guy a jug of Viagra.

Onto your practical queries:

Yes, a semi-soft dick can come. I don’t know how, they just do. It’s kind of like how a sawed-off shotgun can still kill you. We can also pee while hard, though this occasionally requires advanced yoga poses.

Yes, it is possible to lose a boner in the middle of sex. See suggestions 2 and 4.1 above.

Yes, he could be soft because he’s not that attracted to you. Or it could be because he’s wrestling with some neurosis or difficult sexual history or PTSD from the war, or because he is a malfunctioning cyborg, or because he was just really exhausted and drunk — or exhausted and hungover.

Finally, a note on his failure to go down on you: Whereas men almost universally adore blowjobs in the way that plants crave sunlight, a baffling number of women can be hesitant about cunnilingus, especially on early dates. This is such a confusing concept to men that sometimes guys wait for a signal — against all instinct and common sense — and pretend as if burying one’s head between a woman’s legs is not obviously the second-or-third-most wonderful thing in the world a man can do. So the next time he leaves you hanging, command him to go down on you — that’s much better than resenting him later because he failed to intuit your cue. Who knows, maybe he’s just so good at going down that he’s forgotten how to use his dick? Or you should buy that guy some Viagra.

Previously: Homewrecking, Personal Scratching, and “I Love You.”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?