Stand-Up “Comedy,” Breasts, and Boyfriends Who Don’t Kill Bugs

By The Hairpin April 22, 2011

by A Dude

OK, this is a long one.

About four months ago, my long-term boyfriend and I broke up. Or to be more specific, I broke up with him. A year and a half prior to the breakup, we had moved out to LA together because he’s an aspiring comedian and our hometown just wasn’t cutting it for him. So I found a job in LA, they transferred us out here, and he proceeded to spend the next year and a half living off of my income, smoking weed, playing video games, making comic books, and generally being a lazy bum.

Now, since the economy was all kinds of fucked up at the time, I was all like, “Oh, he’ll find work when things get better, etc. etc.,” until I realized that the economy WAS getting better and he had only applied for two jobs in all of six months. Then we went from cute couple to that couple that fights over money and he kept turning everything on me like I wasn’t the supportive one because he was this aspiring comedian and all and he needed all day to like, think about jokes and be funny or whatever.

When I ended things, I tried to be nice about it and say that I had fallen out of love (true) and just wanted to be single and not have to worry about anyone else (also true) and so on, but I didn’t directly SAY that it was because he didn’t make the effort to take care of himself, let alone bust his balls when BOTH of us struggled to get by because my job didn’t pay enough to support two people. But we’d argued about that topic enough times that it should have been clear that my breaking up was a direct result.

So I moved out at the end of December and just today found out (via Facebook, of course) that he’s been doing stand-up routines in which he’s telling everyone we broke up because I cheated on him and left him for my female boss, which is not even remotely true. Not only in live performances, but now that’s on VIDEO on the INTERNET. Since I knew he was spreading lies about us I checked his email account and saw that he’s been telling his mom that I was emotionally abusive and controlling and getting money out of her to support him that way. I won’t say I was the perfect girlfriend, but I was definitely never abusive or controlling. If anything, I was incredibly permissive and generous, up until I realized how much he was using me. And what really burns me is that he wouldn’t even BE doing stand-up in LA if it weren’t for me!

My actual question is: What am I supposed to do about this now? We dated for almost four years and have lots of mutual friends. I’m worried about what they think about me now because I haven’t said anything about why we broke up except individually in direct conversation with people. Do I say something on Facebook? Do I just try to forget about it? I keep trying to let it go but I’m livid and I can’t believe he’s making up all this stuff. Should I have told him straight out when we broke up — “I’m ending this because you can’t support yourself and I’m tired of being your mom?”

This was me as I made my way through your sad story:

Truly, your ex-boyfriend sounds AWFUL. I’ve never even met him, and I’d like to fill his underpants with wet cement and push him into traffic. (Unless he has an Xbox.) Honestly, I feel for you. That leech drained you of money, energy, and precious years of your life — and now he has the temerity to lie about you? It’s unthinkably shitty.

HOWEVER. You can’t take the stand-up stuff personally. Stand-up comedy isn’t fact; it’s storytelling for the sake of laughter. If he isn’t using your name in his act, then you should turn the other cheek. He’s trying to get laughs, not slander you. I sincerely doubt your mutual friends will really think you dumped him to become a lesbian (although given his uselessness, I couldn’t blame you). Besides, do you really want to play the Jerry Seinfeld to his Kathy Griffin?

Hey, break-ups are ugly things. The objective should be to move on with your life, but it’s easy to get wrapped up in a pissing contest to see who can be nastier to the other person. And inevitably the situation escalates out of control until your trunk is stuffed with your ex’s hacked-up body parts, and you spend all night driving around looking for a 24-hour hardware store that sells quicklime in bulk, and it’s just not worth the time and effort. Am I right ladies?

Just move on. Throw yourself into your work, the gym, and dating grown men with real jobs. As the wise cliché goes, living well is the best revenge.

(Oh, and one more thing: Stay out of future boyfriends’ email accounts. That’s the sort of habit that would make me believe a guy if he said his ex was controlling and emotionally abusive.)

Maybe you can help me. I have been with my boyfriend for six fantastic years. During that time, I’ve cheated on him three times. All three episodes were basically drunken fooling around with friends of mine — not exactly premeditated, but I had been curious about hooking up with girls for a while, and one thing led to another…

I asked my boyfriend at one point if he’d consider opening up the relationship, but couldn’t get the OK. I think he said it was a “dangerous game” and was concerned about logistical issues, as well as jealousy on both our parts. So, not too pleased with the prospect of doing only one man for the rest of my life, I went ahead and hooked up with some ladies behind his back. Ultimately, I got my questions answered and realized that I don’t really enjoy sex with women (I know, it shouldn’t have taken me three times, but I had to be sure!).

On to the question: Is there any reason to tell him about my indiscretions? For the most part, we have a loving, fun relationship, and really good sex. I consider him my life partner. I’m thinking telling him would only damage or destroy the relationship, which I don’t want to do. Where do I go from here, Dude? And do you think it’s wise to revisit the subject of the open relationship? I can get sort of amorous in my drunken moments (with both men and women) and am slightly afraid I might cheat on him again if we stay together for another six, 10, 20 years…

Guide me, Dude. Thank you.

First of all, because I’m still a single man, I’m probably not the right person to defend the sanctity of marriage or the value of a lifetime spent in a monogamous relationship. I also admire your sexual curiosity and would have encouraged you to make out with women if I were your boyfriend. (I’m old-fashioned that way.)

However, your willingness to admit your weakness for infidelity is off-putting. Given a true and binding love, some same-sex experimentation seems innocent enough to sweep under the rug. But when you’re like, “Five years from now, I could probably use a change of pace…” — well, perhaps you’re not marriage material.

Successful relationships depend largely on two things: compromise and communication. You either need to communicate your fantasies (possibly forcing a compromise of his ideals), or you need to compromise your desires in order to enjoy the stability of a loving, trusting relationship. My married friends — honorable, trustworthy husbands to the last — recommend the latter.

And yes, you should tell him.

I have inverted nipples, and although I am not particularly ashamed of them, I do loathe having to tell potential partners that I have them. What is the best way to broach this topic, and is this an issue for the men I might want to sleep with?

I don’t think you have to mention it at all. Having inverted nipples (Wikipedia!) is nothing so unusual that you should feel the need to explain it. It’s 2011: I think that most men have seen a woman with inverted nipples by now — if not in person, then certainly on the Internet. And if not? Well honey, you’ve got the magic cure: BREASTS. It would take a picky, small-minded man to not enjoy the magic of seeing and touching a new pair of breasts simply because the nipples weren’t to his liking. Why, just writing about this subject has made me curious to see your tits. LET’S FORNICATE IMMEDIATELY.

Kidding. If your inverted nipple sitiuation truly bothers you, you can get protracted nips with cosmetic surgery (other solutions include pregnancy and breastfeeeding, though they’re less certain to provide results and may clash with an active dating life). I recommend acting confident with your body’s current state, and the right man will love you how you are.

So I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for just over six months. He is smart, funny, kind, seriously sexy, and as crazy about me as I am about him. Last night though, there was an issue. We got back to my apartment and I saw a bug on the ceiling. Not a horrible one, just a little silverfish — on the scale of single picnic ant to New Orleans-style, nuclear apocalypse-surviving, flying cockroach, it was maybe a 3. I really, really hate bugs, though, and I (surprisingly calmly) asked my super tall, studly man if he’d please kill it for me. He sighed, grabbed a paper towel, and lifted his arm (did I mention he’s really tall?) to squash the bug, and then. just. couldn’t. do. it.

So I climbed up on the coffee table and took care of it. First of all, Dude, it’s important that you know that I am a Modern Independent Woman. Princess-y is not a label that one would readily attach to me. And as last night showed, I’m perfectly capable of killing my own bugs, so to speak. But nonetheless, I was disappointed. We talked about it after, and he said that he finds killing bugs to be so gross that he just lets them be. This doesn’t make any sense to me, since I despise them so much that they just have to go, but accepting that as true, I’m still disappointed that he wouldn’t take care of it for me, especially since he knows how much I hate bugs.

I may be overreacting to the bug situation a bit, because he’s very focused on equality in all parts of our relationship. We split or try to equalize everything involving money, and he never offers to help me carry stuff, holds the door open for me, opens the door to the car when my arms are full, or anything like that. He’s very considerate in other ways, so I really do think it’s an equality thing and not a thoughtlessness thing. He just finds chivalry distasteful and disrespectful. He sees our relationship as a pure, objective 50–50 split, and I’m all for women’s rights, but can’t help feeling like there are some things in a relationship that don’t need to be exactly, equally split. To me, it doesn’t mean that he disrespects me if he treats me like a lady. The two can co-exist and are measured very, very differently in my book. Is it so wrong that sometimes I just want my strong, manly boyfriend to kill a scary bug for me? How do I explain this to him without a) sounding needy or princess-y, or b) insulting him for not doing it in the past?

I don’t consider myself woefully old-fashioned. I’m the son and brother of strong women: My mom and sister are the first women to graduate college in my family, and both focused on women’s studies while getting their degrees. I respect and support Title IX and the sadly defunct ERA, yet I still find free time to hold doors open for women (or anyone, actually) and occasionally pay for dinner when I take my girlfriend out. Oh, and I’ll kill a cockroach like it’s Adolf Hitler. Your boyfriend can find those things distasteful if he wants, but the LAST thing they are is disrespectful. It’s not even about chivalry: It’s about being nice to a person you care about.

I certainly don’t need to tell The Hairpin’s audience that we’ve come a long way in getting rid of outdated gender roles, or that society still has a long-ass way to go before we achieve gender equity in the workplace. But that doesn’t mean all gender roles are wrong. Just because a woman deserves equal pay doesn’t mean her boyfriend can’t help her carry heavy objects. Show of hands: How many of you enlightened, competent, career-oriented women enjoy getting flowers? That’s what I thought.

You seem genuinely enthusiastic about how great your boyfriend is, and I’m certain he’s handsome and charming and just as tall as you say he is. But you’ll pardon me if I roll my eyes when you call him “strong” and “manly” when he won’t kill a tiny insect for his girlfriend. That’s misusing the word “manly,” and it’s an affront to soldiers, firefighters, Bruce Greenwood, and countless ordinary men who do things they’d rather not do simply because they want to make the women they love happy.

But that’s not to say your boyfriend’s a lost cause or a bad person — I’m sure your relationship is great in countless ways. Again, relationships need communication and compromise. Talk to him about the blurry line between “chivalry” and “nice things that people in relationships can do for each other.” Perhaps you can reach a compromise in certain tasks: You perform “manly” jobs like killing bugs, and he can be in charge of doing the dishes or something. It’s a brave new world; maybe he can carry your baby in his uterus someday.