Small Tongues, Large Other Things, and How to Go to a Bar by Yourself

by A Lady

This is a follow-up question to Tiny Mouths, but with the boy-girl parts reversed.

While fooling around with a now ex-boyfriend, I asked him to go down on me. He was already halfway down there at the time, so I thought he might have moved there on his own eventually, but I gave him a little extra encouragement because I really wanted it. He obliged, but came up after about fifteen seconds and said, “I’m not very good at this. I have a really short tongue.”

He had mentioned his short tongue when we started making out for the first time, but after some practice, we managed to get into a pretty good rhythm with kissing, so I thought this situation might have required some similar R & D.

He said he wanted to get better at cunnilingus, but he also requested that I “trim things up.” I fully admit that it was a bit of a jungle down there (it was the dead of winter and it’s hard to find motivation to take care of that area if you’re not wearing a swimsuit anytime soon, even if you’re getting naked with someone on a semi-regular basis). On this 1 to 10 scale, it was maybe a 5, which probably is legitimate grounds for saying no to oral. I did as he requested (trimmed, but not Brazilian) before future encounters, but he didn’t initiate going down on me and I never asked for it again. There was one half-hearted attempt while I was going down on him (which I had offered), but then I was upside down and lost my momentum and we kind of bailed on the whole oral thing after that…and now you might understand why we’re not dating anymore.

I didn’t dwell on his “short tongue” reasoning at the time, but as I thought about it later, I realized that it didn’t make sense. I don’t necessarily want or expect to penetrated by a tongue alone; I mainly want a guy to use his tongue to stimulate my clit. How long does a tongue need to be for that?

Do you think he was using his short tongue as an excuse to get out of eating me out, or did he just not know what to do with the equipment (his and mine)? Or is a short tongue a legitimate excuse for lousy head? And when he asked me to “trim things up,” did he expect me to go completely bald?

Hm. One time, this guy wanted me to give him a beej (I mean, all the time everyone wants me to give them a beej, but this time the expectation wasn’t totally unfounded), and I thought about it, and then I thought about how good NOT giving a beej sounded right then and said “sorry, my mouth is really dry.” My mouth WAS dry, but also, if I’d really wanted to suck this particular dick at this particular time, I’d have gone and gotten a glass of water and done it.

POINT BEING. Maybe this guy organically hated eating pussy, or maybe he once loved it but some girl made fun of his tiny tongue and then he got PTSD. I don’t know. I do know that when people are really into doing something, they figure out a way to do it, veering around physiological roadblocks with extreme creativity and abandon. Verdict: excuse.

Also who fucking knows what he meant “trim things up.” Trim, to me, means what the actual verb “to trim” means, not “sandblast.” That said, trimmed-only does sound itchy and plus pornification of American culture Ariel Levy whatever whatever. Why are you even worried about this if you broke up with this tiny-tongued goon? Are you worried someone’s going to ask you to “trim things up again” again and you’ll be super confused? Dirty talk the next candidate into describing a grooming routine of such extreme specificity that you won’t even have to think about what brand of tweezers to use to get the ingrowns.

Frankly, if you do it right, that conversation should get you eaten out instantly anyway.

I am so embarrassed to “ask a lady” this … but um… is sex supposed to hurt!? Like is that part of the enjoyment? The social norm is for women to want big ol’ honking dicks and I just Can. Not. Hang! I enjoy sex — I can come, which apparently not everyone can, from clit stimulation or g-spot — but if I meet someone over like 6 inches I am DYING! Like, poking my cervix and giving me mini contractions is NOT a good feeling! Am I strange? I hear these women talking about “Pringles can,” and I’m like, ARE YOU SERIOUS!? If you’re over 8 inches you aren’t even getting past first base!! This is kiiiinda a problem for me since I only date black guys … I’m basically constantly looking for a unicorn: the handsome black guy with a tiny dick! Essentially, I just want to know if this is a pain that women just have when they have sex, and if this is something I should be getting used to instead of running from. I don’t think there’s anything physically wrong with me, and I consider myself to have a high threshold for pain (two kids naturally and a lot of tattoos), so why can I not enjoy a big dick!?

Oh babydoll, a unicorn is exactly what you aren’t looking for. Also, PS every time you generalize about dick size based on race, your worst enemy gets fucked breathless by a hot Asian dude with a gorgeous 7 inches and comes HARD. Karma!

Anyway. In sum, not strange. I’d say on average a guy’s dick will start to freak ladies out at exactly the size he starts to feel good about how big it is. This is why we need different websites. Cervix poking is a real buzzkill for a lot of us, and you run a considerable risk of it as you climb from, yeah, about 5–6 inches. I’m sure you know the tricks about, like, doggystyle = extra pokey, or to go on top to control depth, or to press your thighs together like extra vagina, whatever. You’ve had two kids, obvi you figured some shit out.

In re: “is it good pain,” I dunno, is it? I’ve definitely had un-lubed dealings with Coke can-style D (not Pringles, WTF is that), and that was not good pain, product not as specified, would not do business again. That said, Astroglide goes a long way to solving even those girth issues. Basically, if you can come from g-spot stimulation, seriously, I hate you, I’ve been trying to rock that for years to no avail. But I guess if you’re actually tearing or something, and it’s not just the cervix pressure you described, I hate you less, see a gyno to make sure they didn’t accidentally switch your vagina with a gnome’s during your last childbirth, I dunno. Summary: It’s not weird for an average-ish D to hurt a bit, it’s probably weird for it to hurt a whole lot, monster Ds do often hurt, some people like that, and even though I’m jealz of your g-spot, I hope you don’t have a gnome vagina.

I apologize in advance for the graphic nature and general ick-factor of this question but it’s got to be asked. So I’ve recently started having sex with my boyfriend without a condom (don’t worry — I’ve been using birth control for like two months and we’ve both been checked for STDs) and its great. However, I have always been under the impression when a man comes inside you it stays up in there. Imagine my surprise when the first few times we did it I felt liquid oozing down my legs immediately after standing up (and sometimes when I’m still laying in bed). It’s gross, I know. But now I feel like I have to jump up and run to the bathroom to clean up afterward, which makes me sad because I like being able to just lay naked and bask in the post-sex awesomeness for a while. Life was so much easier when the condom took care of all the mess. Is there anything else I can do to take care of this or do I just have to deal with it?

No. There’s nothing you can do. It is the absolute worst. I love condoms for this reason insofar as they make it Not My Problem. Other solutions include discretely mopping oneself up with one’s panties (keep them around one ankle while fucking so you don’t have to search for them!), and actually that’s basically it. But do not put those panties back on even to sleep in or you will smell like old sperms the whole next day. Congrats, you’re a woman now.

So here’s my question, and I’m not sure who it’s to, but how does one go to a bar by oneself? I’ve only recently started being OK with waiting like 10 minutes by myself for a late friend, but when that happens I always check the door/my phone constantly. If anyone talks to me or hits on me I feel compelled to tell them I’m waiting for someone. Once or twice I’ve tried going to a bar on my own for a drink by myself but I lie SO awkwardly to anyone who talks to me, saying I’m waiting for someone so they don’t think I’m a loser. Question: Is there a non losery way to be at a bar alone?

Are you an actual old-school non-functional delerium tremens alcoholic? If so, no, there’s no way to not be loser-y about going to a bar by yourself. Otherwise, just bring a book. You don’t even need to read the book, just put the book in front of you. An iPad etc. isn’t an acceptable substitute, I don’t know why, but I’m just imagining it and I want to punch the person I’m imagining. If people try to talk to you, just be like, “Oh man, long day, just wanted to unwind outside of my tiny house! Do you have a giant house? Will you bring me back to it? I keep my panties around one ankle when I fuck, like I’m a human dishrag hook!” See, not loser-y, at all. No, but a book, definitely.

Previously: Peach Fuzz, Monogamous Nonrelationships, and Friends Like Pippy.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo via Flickr