Roleplay, Voyeurism, and Spark-Rekindling

by A Dude

I’m a mostly straight lady who is lucky enough to be involved with the most perfect man on the planet (for me). After being friends for years, a little too much bourbon one night led to a whole new aspect of our relationship. We have been together for over a year now, are living together, and are very seriously planning on marriage with a mutually designed future. He gets me in ways I never thought possible, all my/his friends approve, our levels of cleanliness coincide, every day he tells me how much he loves me and that I’m beautiful, and we’re both actively encouraging each other to be better humans. Basically, he rocks my socks off.

That said, there are two things that make me a little nervous, and I think they’re related. When we first started dating, the sex was out of this world amazing, hours long, creative, and happening several times a day… I’d wake up in the morning with his face between my legs and go to sleep exhausted. This lasted for exactly as long as he was living with roommates in the stinky bachelor pad. Since then, I’m lucky to get 30 minutes twice a week, and cunnilingus for the sake of it has all but disappeared. (Before you ask, there has been a major lifestyle switch aside from moving in: He started a very serious degree program.)

Being the open and awesome lady I am, I have both asked about the change and tried to find ways to rekindle that sexual spark. He said that school is stressful and our libidos are just out of sync right now, but when asked about fantasies, he said he likes to watch. Sadly, the latter part was admitted during New Year’s celebrations and I can’t quite recall what he was wanting to do about it, but I vaguely remember something about me and other dudes. He has an extensive and frequently used porn collection, so it seems like he really does have a bit of a fetish, but I miss the hot sex!

So the questions are: Do you think the initial awesome sex was to lure me in, or part of a pseudo-voyeur fantasy provided by his roommates? And if it had something to do with the latter, how do I bring up bringing a man/woman home without offending him? (I am into the idea, for the record.) I love the heck out of this guy, and still plan on it being forever, but the idea of boring sex forever makes me a little sad in the pants. Help?

First of all, before I even get to the question, as one of the recurring dudes around here, I feel compelled to express appreciation to you for being thorough with your question. You painted a picture that was grand in scope that I can identify with in many ways. So there.

Also, I love you describing yourself as “mostly straight.” I seriously LOLed when I read that. It’s like you’re saying, “Look, I like cock 93.6% of the time or so, but every now and then when I just need to take the edge off a little bit, I like to take a good piece of pussy for a spin.” I can respect that. Now to your question…

Look, one of the sad facts of life is that the passion you described in the infancy stages of your relationship is an early stage of relationship passion most all of us have experienced at some point, and it’s almost impossible to maintain. I think the heat you guys generated early on was probably exacerbated by the fact that you were close friends before you ever entered the bone zone. I’m guessing that both of you had secretly lusted for each other for a while, and I would wager a rarely used appendage that he had manually drained his balls many times while fantasizing about fucking you before he ever fucked you. And perhaps you might have gotten yourself off thinking about him as well! So when it finally happened it was probably akin to what happens when you open a soda bottle after shaking it up — all of that restrained passion was suddenly released and the two of you basically existed inside of your own big, wet, gooey bubble of bliss for a while. And everything was so fantastically fine.

So to answer your question about whether he was plotting the hot sex to lure you in or if he was getting off on some voyeuristic fetish thing … I don’t think it was either. You’re thinking about this a little too much, maybe. Everything you described sort of fits with the natural order of things. Perfectly normal.

I mean, you had to know it would eventually level off, right? That’s what happens to everybody. You think Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie still fuck like they do when they first met? Absolutely not. Now, I’m not saying that you still can’t have great sex deep into a relationship, but it’s just completely unreasonable to think that you’ll continue to have those multiple marathon sex sessions every day where cum is just flying all over the fucking room for the rest of your lives. And I’m not even factoring in the biological aspects of things.

Now, about the fantasy thing — I don’t think you should be freaked out by it and if, like you claim to be, you’re down for it, then go for it. I mean, if you want to keep the passion, a sexual relationship has to evolve, I think. And part of that evolutionary process involves exploring fantasies. And if he wants to watch you get nailed by another guy, and you’re down for it (I mean, why the hell not?!), shit, do it. Considering that you apparently like girls as well, have you discussed maybe him watching you do another girl, with him maybe joining in if you’re comfortable with it? Just throwing it out there.

Look, think of your sex life with this guy like a fire. When you first lit it, its flames seemed to stretch up to the sky. That initial flame skyscraper eventually settled, like actual fires do, and there are two things you can do from there — you can let it burn out, or you can nurture the fire and maintain a slow burn for a long time. If the prolonged slow burn doesn’t appeal to you, maybe its time to go looking for another towering flame to ignite with someone else?

Otherwise, exploring fantasies will help maintain that slow burn, and maybe even have an effect that’s sort of like throwing some gas on the fire you already have going — you know, shoot those flames back up to the sky again! Good luck.

P.S. Can I just add one thing about porn, since you mentioned your guy’s love for it? Because the two of you seem to have an open line of communication going — something you should absolutely not take for granted, by the way — perhaps you should ask him to ease back on his consumption just slightly. I say that only because, as a guy who has watched his share of porn in his day, it really does sort of desensitize a man sexually a bit. I mean, there was a point a few years ago when I was watching so much porn online that seeing a real live pussy in front of me became no different than seeing an apple. I’m serious. The shit is awesome, but so evil at the same time. I’m not saying he should stop altogether, because I do think it can be a part of a healthy sex life, but maybe ask him to cut back on how much he watches. Just a thought.

I recently started sleeping with a kind of “famous” actor. And he made it very clear to me in the beginning that he was not looking for a relationship, which is fine with me. He made some jokes to me via text about role playing … Pretending to be a school girl/teacher type of thing. And I played along in my texting, but kind of thought he was joking. But then when I showed up to his apartment he had actually bought a school girl outfit for me. And so I went with it … and it was actually kind of fun! But now I’m wondering where are we going to go from there? How common is role playing? What kind of “roles” is he going to ask me to play?

So you’re boning Stephen Dorff, eh? Not sure why, but this whole situation sounds like a Stephen Dorff kind of thing. You’ve been Dorffed, haven’t you?

Regardless, I’m a HUGE role-playing advocate, but it seems to me that getting into that sort of thing early in a relationship, even a strictly sexual one, is a bit odd, even for Stephen Dorff. But hey, everybody has their quirks and peccadilloes. Who am I to judge Stephen Dorff?! And who the fuck knows what sort of roles he’ll ask you to play? Knowing Stephen Dorff, he’ll probably look to you to relive his Blade glory days, so don’t be surprised if he makes you put on a big strap-on, dress up like Wesley Snipes, and fuck him in the ass.

My a-little-bit-younger-than-me gentleman caller lost his virginity to me a few months ago. Or, at least, technically — he lost the erection and wasn’t actually able to come. No big deal, right? I chalked it up to nerves and told him not to worry about it. Fast forward to multiple attempts, and it’s still not happening, no matter the time, place, or position. I’ve figured out through successful BJ’ing that he likes a tighter-than-usual grip, so we talked about loosening up at the jack-off station (a la I Love You, Man). As of yet, unsuccessful.

We’re really open and chatty about sex, but I think it secretly really bothers him, even though we don’t talk about it beyond brainstorming solutions. I’ve also never run into a ladyfriend who’s had this problem. At first, I wasn’t really concerned, but it’s starting to make me feel decidedly un-sexy, even though I know that he’s into it. I just want that visual proof, you know? Dude, he’s such a good guy and a good partner — I want him to not feel hung-up or uncomfortable about sex with me. I’m a lucky lady, but I feel like I could be luckier. Any suggestions to get over the mental and physical hurdles in this situation?

Oh man, I so feel for your guy. Men and their dicks share a complicated, oftentimes love/hate relationship, and sadly the more times something like this happens, the harder (no pun intended) it is to overcome.

Two things I would suggest: First, talk to your guy about masturbation. If he’s beating off a lot, it may inhibit his ability to get hard, stay hard, and have an orgasm. If he goes a few days without release, this could help him maintain an erection, though he may come a little faster than you’d like. But I get the feeling that at this point, any sex to completion would be comforting to you.

Secondly, spontaneity is your best friend. As a guy, when you’ve had an issue getting your dick hard, it tends to fester in your head, and if he knows there’s a chance you may want sex on a certain day at a certain time, the anticipation will lead to anxiety and it’ll just fuck him all up. So maybe consider showing up at his place unexpected, maybe wearing a robe with nothing underneath it. And whatever you do, no matter how frustrated you may become, don’t give him shit about it. Try your best to comfort the poor kid. And if he’s wearing condoms when you do it, cut him even more slack. Those things are just awful and can make a problem like his even more difficult to overcome.

Finally, I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but there are pills a guy can take to help overcome these hurdles! Seriously, and they work! Look, I know a lot of young guys have a little too much pride to rely on such a thing to get it up, but they can probably help him gain his confidence back. TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS!

I wet myself. I hate it, it’s awful and mostly unpredictable. It doesn’t happen that often, maybe 2–3 times a year. But it’s happened on a first date. It’s happened in a very nice vintage car. It’s happened on a serious(ly) poor boyfriend’s randomly expensive mattress. (Awesome parents.) It’s also happened the WORST TIME standing in a queue in Filene’s Basement. So, DEALBREAKER?! Guys please tell me, I just peed on his mattress. I have a great reason — surgery inhibits my impulses but still — it’s gross, right?

Yes, it’s kinda gross to me, someone who doesn’t know you, but what can you do, other than become a shut-in or go around wearing Depends? With that said, if I loved a girl, I wouldn’t give a fuck. Hell, you could piss all over me for all I cared — everybody has issues, and if your issue is the inability to control your bladder every now and then, so be it. I hope the two of you can laugh about it, because I think humor is the best way of overcoming things like this. Just as long as you’re not shitting yourself. Because that right there would be a dealbreaker for me.

I really don’t know what else to say about this.

So, my current BF is one of the dreaded Dudes who won’t go down on a Lady. He’s not being a jerk about it, he says that it’s just a personal preference and he doesn’t want to do it (even though he only tried it on me once for like 10 seconds!). I don’t want to push him to do anything that he’s not comfortable with, and it seems super un-sexy if I have to force him and he won’t enjoy it. There are lots of other fun and awesome things we can do in bed, but I hate that I go down on him and he won’t do the same for me. I don’t want to hold BJs hostage and I don’t want to break up with him. Should I just not bug him about it? Or is there a good way to bring it up without it being horrible and making us both feel bad about it?

You know, as a guy who enjoys few things more that going down on a girl until my tongue is sore and my jaw aches, guys like the one you just described seem downright mythical, and I can hardly believe they exist. Like, really? You poor thing!

With that said, FUCK THIS ASSHOLE. Seriously, what an absolute shit stain on the underpants of modern men he is. Who the hell does he think he is? “Oh yeah, baby, suck on my perky wee-wee and lick on my chewy jelly beans, but don’t think for a second that I’m going to put my mouth anywhere near that nasty little gash of yours. No offense baby, it’s a personal choice.” This guy is your boyfriend?!

Look, I’m sorry, but one of the things I equate with love is a willingness and an eagerness make the girl I’m with happy. In such, I want to get her off. I want her to come. Hard. Hell, I think I actually get more pleasure out of that than I do out of getting off myself. To me, the only thing that comes close to making someone I care about get off is having someone who cares about me get me off. And you know it when it’s happening to you — it’s like, “Wow, this person really wants to make me come. That’s fucking cool!” Look, I don’t care what anyone says … head given with love is much better than loveless head. Period. And that’s just such a great feeling and makes getting off so much better.

Dump this loser. Now. I’m fucking serious. He’s a boy. You obviously need a man. And if you have trouble finding one, Edith can tell you where to find me.

Previously: Replica Girlfriends, Open-Mouth Chewing, and “Why Is Dating So Hard?”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?