People You Might Not Want to Have Casual Sex With

by Anna Breslaw

• People who are rude to waiters.
• People whose wives will be home — seriously — any second.
• Priests.
• People who give you that pre-coitus disclaimer, like, “Just don’t fall in love with me, because I’m trouble / complicated / confused / constipated / an Animorph.”
• People whose hobbies include throwing up in YouTube videos.
• People who pronounce it “Ann Rand.”
• People who correct people who pronounce it “Ann Rand.”
• People with toddlers who stare at you across the table while scribbling a piece of construction paper completely black with crayon.
• People who make you feel bad for talking.
• People who make you feel bad.
• People who think flirting is “Hi, my name’s Eric, those cargo pants are super-unflattering.”
• People who taught you in middle school.
• People in middle school.
• People with shrapnel in their calf from the Hundred Days’ War and are ghosts.
• Any other kind of ghost.
• People in ragged clothing who scream on the subway.
• That divorced friend of your father’s.

Anna Breslaw has written for McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, the New York Times, Gawker Media, Ology Media, and Heeb Magazine online. She is a loyal consumer of Drake’s Devil Dogs and sucks at cardinal direction.