Leeches

Uh oh, they’re telling stories of remorseless cheating over at Nerve, that coldhearted internet spiderweb. Do you want to do the same? Because what we at The Hairpin do is … suck out and thrive on other people’s content, leechlike.

I’d start by sharing my stories of cheating, except what’s remarkable about me is that I’ve literally never done anything wrong in my entire life. I don’t know, I just find it really easy to be that way. Instead, I’ll tell the story of the time I had a leech on me, which is that I got out of a lake and noticed glisteny slug-type things attached to my fingers. A friend screamed “Leeches!” and so I screamed too, beating my hands against the dock, and we both screamed for a long time, although I had no idea what leeches were. My mom was there as well, and once we’d calmed down she explained that yes, they were leeches, but no, they weren’t the blood-sucking kind. I believed this for 15 years. The Santa Claus of leeches. So I guess this is a safe space to share stories of cheating and/or leeches, if you have any. Just kidding, if you’ve ever cheated on someone I will delete your account. Leeches only.