Workplace Drama, Idiotic Nicknames, and the Butterface

by A Dude

What constitutes a “butterface/but-her-face?” Is it at all an objective thing? Can you give a real live person example? If I have to ask, does that mean I am one?! (Or, how can you know for sure? and is it something you should own?) How might one overcome this obstacle? I’m becoming increasingly concerned that that is ultimately what is keeping even admittedly “interested” fellows at bay. Isn’t the conventional wisdom that if you are what they want, they will do whatever it takes to win you?!

The first time I ever heard the term “butterface” was from my neighbor, Darren. He had been hired last-minute to housesit for our other neighbors, Hank and Betty, who had been inspired to take a trip to Branson, Missouri, after reading the “eat” part of the book Eat, Pray, Love. “No sense in reading the other two parts,” said Betty. “We already have a god to pray to, thank you very much!” “And I’ve already got plenty of love for my wife,” Hank added.

As soon as they left, Darren asked me and my friend Ricky to come over, which was awesome because Darren is super cool. He has rollerblades that are damn near silent, and he found an exercise bike that he’s going to turn into a real bike, most likely this summer.

Immediately upon our arrival, Darren showed us a picture of a naked woman on the computer and told us she was a “butterface” because everything BUT her face was attractive. We all laughed, and then later printed out copies to take home.

To answer the question: Are you a “butterface” because you have to ask? I suppose it’s possible. Then again, it could simply mean that you’ve yet to sustain the level of head injury needed to fall in with the groups of people who actually use the word “butterface” as a way of describing the opposite sex. Who knows? I’m not a doctor. You asked if it’s something you should own? Yes. Absolutely. Confidence is one of the most refreshing and attractive qualities a person can have. I’d much rather talk to a confident woman than some flawless girl who spends the evening griping about body issues. Likewise, women would probably much rather talk to a confident guy than boring old me with my stupid collection of state quarters. If you act like it’s an obstacle to overcome it will look like you feel that way. God, I hope this is helpful. I just re-read it and feel like it probably isn’t. Oh well. Try this: Think about how overpopulated we are. I’m sure you’ll meet someone!

So I used to work with this guy who I had unbelievable chemistry with. We sat at desks next to each other and would flirt all the time, and it got pretty intense. Last summer I moved to his town so we ended up hanging out all the time as friends. (Neither of us was single.) In January I got laid off from our company and we both broke up with our significant others for unrelated reasons. He recently brought up that he was considering quitting his job and leaving town soon but wasn’t sure what he would do next and was (in my imagination?) fishing for what my plans were. Here’s the question: Are there any circumstances which would make it okay to straight up confess my feelings to him? My usual tactic of getting drunk and hooking up with him doesn’t seem right since there has been over a year of buildup. I have just never heard any success stories of a girl telling a guy that she’s been into him for over a year and having it work out. Thoughts?

I once had a dream where I kept drinking Gatorade, and when I woke up I was thirsty for Gatorade. It was one of the best dreams I’ve ever had because the information was incredibly clear and left nothing to decipher. Now my other dream? The one where a missing five-year-old is at the bottom of a well holding a card that says “2 Days Left”? That’s anyone’s guess. The point is that with a lot of guys, small hints will go unnoticed.

In your case, it really sounds like the two of you have a good thing going, so the question is whether or not you want to attempt to take it past the point of friendship. Expressing your feelings does carry the risk of being rejected, which is fine depending on how you handle it. Some people can roll with the punches and immediately start exploring new options, while other people might pack a bag of sandwiches and some drawing materials and then run into the woods — to live.

One gigantic advantage you have is that you don’t work with him anymore. You can say what’s on your mind and if he says he’s not interested, you don’t have to go, “Okey doke!” and then sit down a few feet away and start pretending to work by typing something useless like “MEMO” onto a blank document. There. Look who’s already back in the swing of things!

I know you’re opposed to the drunken hookup and you’re probably right, but I think a night out with a few drinks might be a great way to break down this enormous buildup. You might even discover that it’s specifically the buildup that’s been making this thing so difficult for you to address with someone who you seem to otherwise communicate with very well. It just might work out. Or not. You also might meet someone more attractive when you’re at the bar. Someone special … who has a bag of sandwiches and a few drawings that he wasn’t even trying on. You should see the good ones.

I’m an American living in England for the past three years, and during this time have dated a few English guys. One of whom was this off-on nightmare for most of the time since I moved here — it is definitely over, over, over, but we remain friends. Anyway, I started dating a new guy a few months ago. He’s amazing and great and I really like him and I’m hoping it goes somewhere.

However, somehow New Boyfriend has managed to adopt the same nickname for me as The Ex. Which wouldn’t normally be an issue if this nickname was, say, “baby” or some variation of my name. However, the nickname is DOUCHE. Apparently, English guys universally find it hilarious that Americans call people douche, and have latched onto the fact that I often use this as an insult. Plus, New Boyfriend and I spend an awful lot of time watching Jersey Shore. With The Ex, calling me douche was fairly in line with his behaviour toward me — I got used to the fact that him gently picking on me was his way of showing affection towards me? (No, I was not dating a 12-year-old, and yes, he did suck as a boyfriend.) New Guy is much nicer — he’s usually very sweet and wonderful to me, but I’m worried about “douche” becoming a Thing with him as well, particularly since he even wrote it on my Valentine’s Day card.

I’m NOT an oversensitive girl who can’t deal with playful teasing, I just don’t want to have the same Thing with my new boyfriend as I did with my ex. Any attempts I make to complain about New Boyfriend calling me douche just spur him on. At this point, I think it’s way too late to mention that Ex has the same nickname for me. How do I make New Boyfriend stop calling me DOUCHE? I’m almost sure that I already know your answer to this question, but it bears asking nonetheless.

When I was in high school, I got a job at an ice-cream parlor to make a little extra money. The manager immediately fell into this strange habit of calling me Mark, even though my name is Mike, so I corrected him several times, and each time he apologized and said something like, “Mike it is!”

Things would be normal for a little while, but then pretty soon he’d back to calling me Mark again. It drove me crazy for the first few weeks, but then I began to get used to it, and it even became a sort of fun way to pass the time. At work I pretended I was this guy Mark. I’d work my shift and then be Mike again after punching out for the day.

After several months, I began to record the various personality differences between my two selves. For instance, I learned that Mark was likeable and organized while Mike was a violent and drug-addicted psychopath. It was a blessing and a curse: While I had created a place of refuge in Mark’s world, the safety net only encouraged Mike to be all the more careless with his violence and drug abuse, and I started to honestly believe that as long as every depraved bender ended with my arrival at the front doors of the ice-creamery, Mark would be there to make everything better.

A few more months passed and I realized that whenever I spent too much time as either Mike or Mark, I could sense the other’s presence within me. This manifested itself in the form of minor aches, bouts of nervousness, and restless legs. Massaging my skin soon escalated to hard scratching, which grew worse until I was at the point where I sliced three-inch “gills” into my flesh with a steak knife to give the dormant personality a little fresh air.

To answer your question: Maybe you should just tell him not to call you “douche” because that’s what your ex-boyfriend called you and you’d rather not be reminded of him.

I have a thorny workplace dilemma. Help, please!

I started my first real post-college job about six months ago in a new city. Before this job I had never really had male coworkers, but the ratio in my office now is basically 50/50 and everyone is quite young. Literally on day one I met a coworker and had one of those rom-com, so-attracted-I-couldn’t-believe-it “oh, no” moments. But since I am just out of college, and haven’t really navigated “workplace dating” before, I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

Dude and I got to know each other, and he appeared to like me, so I was really excited when he asked me to meet him at a bar one night. I get rather tipsy with him and…things happened. Things happened so intensely that we made out in a bar, had a drunken conversation about how much he likes me, and how I don’t know what to do since we work together and I don’t want to appear unprofessional by macking on a coworker IMMEDIATELY, and he reassured me that our secret was safe. I even, against my better judgment, went home with him, but before things got to sexytimes I was like “ACK THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA,” he put me in a cab, and I went home to sleep it off.

The following Monday, I didn’t really know how to address the issue, so I said something lame over GChat after a brief conversation along the lines of “I had fun, let’s hang out again,” and he agreed, but the next time I asked him to hang out he was busy and he never tried to resched. This was, oh, FOUR MONTHS AGO. So far I’ve been awesome at being completely normal and not weird, so I’ve just been super friendly but haven’t texted/called/asked him to hang out again because I was unsure of what he was feeling and didn’t want to smother him. So…I am confused.

All the evidence points to him being “just not that into me.” I get that, I guess? But I also don’t understand how an awesome (albeit kinda drunk) night where we confessed our giant crushes on each other would just turn into…nothing. Unless I ruined it somehow, either by bringing up my fears about workplace romantic dramz/agreeing to go home with him/not talking to him about it sober first/talking about it at work that next Monday at all? Also his incredibly shy and socially awkward coworker (who he works closely with on just about everything) seems to have a bit of a crush on me? Which may or may not be relevant?

I want to ask him if he’s still interested because I am, very much so, but I don’t want to bother him with that shit at work A) because I made such a big deal about being afraid of romantic entanglements in my workplace and B) because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or make him feel like I am never going to let this go/am a creepy stalker and not the easy-breezy awesome girl I’ve been so far. But I am desperate to know, because at this point I’m forced to conclude that dudes like me from afar but the second they spend a few hours alone with me they’re like “YEESH, NEXT.”

Please help me so I can stop timing my trips to the bathroom/elevator in order to run into him in the hallway UGH SO PATHETIC.

Also I realize how incredibly long and maybe confusing this is, so sorry!

Congratulations on joining the workforce! Are you guys hiring? LOL! Just kidding. I have a job. But I could take it or leave it, so maybe I really am asking. Anyway, let’s get to your question. How does one navigate workplace dating?

Unless you’re working at the TCBY in Omaha, Nebraska, where the only option for a relationship outside of the workplace is to lay metal spikes across the road in hopes of catching a passing motorist, which I am familiar with, you might want to avoid the office fling altogether.

I could give you all the reasons compiled by the countless sociopaths in Human Resources departments across the globe, but you probably already have that information. If not, check your welcome packet.

When the excitement of having your first job wears off, you’ll begin to realize that most of your waking hours are spent in the company of your coworkers. This isn’t a bad thing, but it certainly can be if you’ve had sex with any of them. And if you stop having sex with them, it can get much worse. I understand that you’re in a new city and so your coworkers might also serve as your only social outlet, but it’s important to have friends and relationships outside of work. In fact, it’s essential, because despite the fun and camaraderie in a typical office, there will also be those moments when you have to focus and do work with these people. Real work. And work can suck and make you want to kill people you otherwise admire and respect.

Suddenly, the person you initially found to be so attractive is the same person standing up in a huge meeting and humiliating you by saying that your idea for a sauce bottle with different compartments for different sauces won’t work because you’d have to wipe the spout every time you wanted to switch sauces. “Well, fuck you TOO, dream woman!”

I don’t think it’s fair to conclude that you’re doing things to drive guys away (although the length of your question almost makes me bite my tongue). You have to remember that your crush is just one guy who might not be interested anymore once he sobered up and had some time to daydream about the gigantic mess a relationship with a coworker can become. It sounds like deep down, you have similar reservations about moving forward with this.

Let some time pass and you will see. Good luck!

*Note: If the new city is in fact Omaha, Nebraska, then definitely have sex with him!

Previously: Terrible Boyfriends, “Mistress Material,” and Who Feels What How.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?