Tiny Mouths, Reciprocity, and the Itty Bitty [Bosom] Committee

by A Dude

So I’ve been seeing this guy for about six weeks. He’s almost 30, and I’m 27, so its safe to say we’re doing the adult dating thing. We met at a class, and have spoken every day since. We did the standard phone calls, which led to dates, which led to sleeping together, which led to BBM and Gchat constant communication thing. He’s great, the sex is great, and since he travels for work every weekend about two hours away, we spend the night together almost every night we’re both in the city. He’s met my friends and my parents, and everything is going smoothly.

Here’s my question — we haven’t yet had the talk about what we are. I refer to us as dating, and we had the drunken ‘”OK we’re exclusive” talk, but not the “I’m going to start referring to you as my BF/GF to people I’m introducing you to/talking about you to. Since this is a relationship for all intents and purposes, is the talk even necessary for two people in their late 20s? Did Facebook statuses change the way that people organically started dating for thousands of years? Is it too soon to have this conversation? Am I immature for wanting my ex-BF and other dudes who try to pick me up to see that I’m “In a relationship”?

Initially I was going to make a little fun of you for taking just a shade too long to get to the point where you casually drop the part where this is about wanting to change your Facebook status, but then I realized that you’d dropped three (3) product mentions (BBM, Gchat, and Facebook) in the span of a few sentences. So, for the sake of this discussion, let’s agree to equate “Changed relationship status” and “Publicly call each other boyfriend or girlfriend” with, I don’t know, “Straight up wearing his letter jacket, it’s not even chilly out (actually it’s kind of warm).” Let’s not overly worry about whether Facebook has changed thousands (dozens) of years of dating history for humanity.

Now that we’re assuming the medium is irrelevant, let’s get down to the important part: TOO SOON? The thing with all the timed milestones people like to put on every step of relationships (too soon to call back? too soon to fuck? too soon to be exclusive?) has always been that they only matter if either you or your object of desire care. So, since you do, and since you don’t know him well enough to know how he feels, what you should do is wait until it makes you upset that you haven’t talked about it (you might already be past this point, actually), and then just tell him that you’d like to call him your boyfriend, leaving, uh, the Facebook part out of it.

In one of the previous Dude postings you talk about owning your body/insecurities, etc. Well, I am the president of the itty bitty titty committee and I freaking own that shit. Then one day I was reading “plastic surgery regrets” in a celebrity mag and my BF, of two years, the love of my life, not a douche lord/asshole whatsoever, comes along, looking over my shoulder, bringing up implants and how he always wanted to see what they felt like or something. Then he starts to say, “One day I will make enough money to buy you bigger boobs … if that’s what you want.” WTF??!!

OK, without checking a formal guide on parliamentary procedure, I think you mean you’re the Chair of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. But what you’re actually asking is whether preferring boobs and expressing it clumsily makes a person a Douche Lord (making you, without checking a formal guide to the power structures of the landed gentry, a Douche Lady-In-Waiting, I believe).

So, what you have to answer for yourself is whether you think this is an asshole thing to say (sounds like “yes”) and how much this matters to you (I say set his car on fire). This is, truly, a war between the modern principles of Liberal Democracy and the ancient power structures, no matter how seemingly benign, of Despotic Monarchy, and I think you know what to do.

Also, some dudes like boobs and are inexpressive, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

So, I’m wondering if you’ve come across this before. I have a small mouth. As in, it’s sized just fine to do most things in life, but sometimes, a guy’s penis just doesn’t fit. I don’t mean that I can’t deepthroat, I mean that with a couple different guys, I haven’t been able to fit my mouth around it. My mouth doesn’t look freakishly small or anything, it just doesn’t open very wide. When I’m giving a blowjob, I do what I can with licking, sucking the tip and whatnot, but try as I might, sometimes I just can’t make my mouth fit around a guy’s dick. Have you ever been with a woman whose mouth was smaller than your dick? Is this a dealbreaker? I haven’t been with very many guys total, but I’ve only ever had this happen twice, both times with guys I was seeing casually, so I didn’t discuss it with them. Thanks for your dude wisdom.

There’s really no need for me to turn into Dr. Skeptical here (especially since my dissertation is years from completion), but given the maximal and minimal dick and oral circumferences I would imagine are available, this seems like it might genuinely defy human biology. Like, you seriously can’t fit a human penis through the pliable opening of your mouth? Are you able to eat stuff with those soup spoons they have at Chinese restaurants? Do you take all your meals through a straw? Are we talking like your mouth is literally going to split open at the corners? Please send pix.

But OK, fine, even taking this question at face value, while I’m sure there are one or two dudes for whom this is a “dealbreaker,” that percentage probably rounds down to zero, and if it really starts to stress you out, don’t discount both the ego-soothing and erotic possibilities of the phrase “your dick is just too big.”

I like — love — sex. Don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I just want to make out. Sometimes I’m not ready (or not in the mood) to make a guy come, especially if we’ve just started dating. But I always feel guilty if I’m in bed with a dude in a serious clothes-off pawing session and I stop before he comes. Like, say we’re all hot and heavy and gropey, and he’s hard — I feel bad just stopping, so inevitably I pull out a hand or blow job if I’m not ready for P-in-V sex. Especially if he makes me come first. But I should be able to just make out with a guy in the nude, right? Or is there no gray area between clothes-on kissing and full-on orgasm? Is it OKAY to just make out and then stop, even if he’s still hard and we’ve had a steamy makeout session? How to do it so he doesn’t think I’m a tease or doesn’t get pissed off or something? Am I just riding off old legends about Blue Balls?

Without killing whatever mood you’d like to retain, I believe (although others may disagree) that the rule of thumb for the kind of thoughtful dudes you should be making it with is reciprocity, and it’s really your responsibility to say something when you want to break the symmetry. That is, if you’d like to not be messing with his genitals, you should stop him or inform him before you let him interfere with yours. That way, when he goes down on you anyway because he’s hoping you’ll give in and just have sex with him out of lust at a certain point (I, uh, assume that’s what he’s thinking), at least you told him.

Previously: Sex Toys, Facebook Surprises, and “Am I Giving Off Nun-Type Repellant?”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?