Terrible Boyfriends, “Mistress Material,” and Who Feels What How

by A Dude

I am sparing you the boring details as to the origin of my question and will just go ahead and ask it: Can a dude really feel when a lady is having an orgasm/not having an orgasm if he is inside of her when the “orgasm” takes place?

“ASK A DUDE” FIELD-REPORTING NOTES // EXCERPTS FROM HUMILIATING PERSONAL INTERVIEW w/JEAN-LUC P. DALYRIMPLE, FORMER EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF ORGASM MONTHLY MAGAZINE (approx. peak circulation = 21K subscribers + 50K newsstand sales during period of ‘91-’95):

“Are you sure you’re a man? … [interviewer prompt] Well I guess you were too young to ever see our magazine, then. But yeah, you’re supposed to know when your girl is coming. And in which part of her whole genital-show it’s happening. [interviewer prompt] … No seriously, Dude. Even if you’re just fingering her or giving oral. And YES, we had a whole magazine about how to identify the different ways, before magazines went into the shitter. This is incredibly embarrassing and ego-eviscerating for me to do, but why don’t I just boil down my life’s work into a quickly digestible Idiot’s Guide to this, for you, A Random Dude?”

“So there’s the leg-twitch orgasm. Like the involuntary-kick coming — wherein her knees buckle and kind of push against your body (if you’re on top) in a jackknife axis-move of pure tremble. That’s a classic orgasm-from-dick-only. Like usually if you’re inside her and making it happen from contact with the g-spot, which is on a different part inside every woman — obviously, you’ve spent some time figuring this out, unless you’re a goon — though the end result is pretty much always the same. This isn’t principally a clitoral show, though you can supplement this orgasm with that kind of play if you want [see below]. That is, if you’re capable of walking and chewing gum at the same time, which since you are seriously coming to me with these questions, I am assuming you are NOT. … [interviewer prompt] No, sorry — that’s shitty of me. I guess I’m just a little bit defensive because online porn has obscured a lot of this paying-attention-to-women work that we used to promote in the mag. [interviewer prompt] … No I haven’t read that recent thinkpiece about Porn 2.0, why do you ask? …

“Anyway, my point is the jackknife, g-spot kick-come is different from a clitoral climax, which you can achieve manually, or via oral, or via just a kind of repetitive, shallow entering-and-withdrawing via the head of your cock. This is a more whole-body shiver-orgasm, but less violent that the leg-kick, g-spot action. Please tell me you vary your speeds, cock-wise, and that you’re not just humping in constant meter like the hydraulics on a trash compactor all the time. [interviewer prompt] … Boy, lemme see if I can find you some back issues. …

“But so regardless — and whew, aren’t you glad you came to me for help! — the third type of orgasm is really like a million different hybrid orgasms caught midway between Types 1 + 2 as described above. THOSE ARE THE ONES YOU MAY HAVE TO ASK ABOUT, REGARDING WHETHER THEY HAVE HAPPENED OR NOT, BECAUSE THEY CAN BE TRICKY. [interviewer prompt] Yes, I know that’s a cop-out, but also, that’s why we had more than one issue of the fucking magazine, snotnose. Start with those two, and try to figure the rest out, like, through the abstract holiness of real-world experience or whatever. Fuck: who even let you in here? [interviewer prompt] Learning your girl’s come-cries is like anything complex and worth a lot of effort to understand — your wines, your rational choice political theories, and etc. We had one entire issue devoted strictly to an analysis of the Three Quarters G-Spot Come Mixed with a Twist of Clit Ecstasy vs. the Almost Barely Penetrative Excitement That Gets Overwhelmed By Sudden Intensive Banging method. Then the Internet came and killed us off, like it does to almost all purveyors of doggedly-pursued real-world pleasures. Anyway, can you rotate my pillows? This hospital bed is uncomfortable.”

For the past 10 months I’ve been working in a small office, and it’s been a pretty decent job. Pretty early on, I became friends with one of my employers (we bonded over Radiohead and various other mid-’90s alternative) and developed a bit of a crush on him. He’s a 18 years older and married with kids, so I didn’t really want to push it and be a home-wrecker. We got to talking a bit, and eventually we got together after work and indulged in some beer and some reefer. Nothing sexual though, apart from the both of us checking out the girls working in the bar (I’m bi). This happened a few times, and each time it was really fun. By this time, I was terribly confused. There were pet names and witty, flirty banter! Normally I’d call that a sign, but he’s English, and calling someone “dearie” “sweetheart” etc. is just sort of what Brits do in my experience. We’d have fun in the office watching off-color English comedy and teaching each other colloquial profanities and listening to music and ogling photos of pretty women. One time, leaning tipsily over our beers, he began to sadly tell me about how loveless his marriage is, and how she’s his friend but they don’t have sex anymore (yikes) and has been bitchy ever since the kids, but he doesn’t want to leave her until he knows she has someone else. He was always respectful, though… he never looked at my boobs when we were talking (they’re pretty big and distracting, so he gets points) and he never flat-out hit on me. Any compliment would be restricted to “I like your coat” or “nice boots.” One time, I told him I had a date and he could not conceal his jealous face.

Finally, after eight months of just being friends with awkward sexual/emotional tension, he came forward and told me that he “quite fancies” me, which was pretty much the most adorable way of saying what I had wanted to hear. We had an intense week of making out in secluded corners of the office, and we were planning on going to some nice little hotel and having a good time when his wife found some emails between us. I can honestly say I have never felt more horrible or guilty or fucking stressed out than I did for the week after that incident. He managed to placate his wife, and to discuss with her the problems in their marriage. Oddly, our friendship is back to the way it was before the week-long torrid affair, apart from the accidental pet name and the standing a little too close to each other. Still YouTube-ing and laughing and making fun of the other higher-up in the office. Still ends his instructions with “make it so, number one.”

He’s just taken a job in another state, five hours away. His wife is not going. He’s told me in confidence that it’s a trial separation. He’s also said that he’s going to be back on some weekends and wants to see me.

Most, if not all, of my past relationships have been with abusive assholes (at worst) and (at best) people who don’t know how to be in a relationship. For this reason, I’ve not pursued relationships for the past year (also because I really haven’t been able to find a person I like enough to be with) and I’ve just been doing the strings-free sex thing. I honestly don’t know if I can do that with him, but I also don’t know if that’s what he wants. Also, I’m still not a fan of being “the other woman.” I’m not even mistress material… I mean, I’ve got an average build, I’m a combat boot-wearing feminist and a nerd, and I’m *really* morbid. If the guy wanted a slinky young vamp he could have her (he’s brutally charming, and has the ability to reduce women to blushing, giggling messes within minutes of meeting them). I think he actually likes me? We have actual *conversations* and he waited 8 months before making a move, which really isn’t his style at all, and seems a bit long to wait if he’s just trying to add a notch to his belt. So….. what the hell? If you can get around to it, thanks for the help, and thanks for reading my long-ass question. ~The (confused) other woman

This dude is a liar. He’ll tear your mind out; he’ll burn your soul.

[Sorry, you said you liked mid-’90s alternative, so.]

Honestly, he might have been having other flings before you (thus the waiting eight months to actually act on what he had been setting up). He might have still been having sex with his wife, and only told you that their marriage was sexless. He seems untrustworthy at minimum.

But beyond that: I’m confused about what you think constitutes “mistress material,” and some of your other not-so-subtle negative self-judgments. Almost any woman can be made a mistress, I expect! (Especially one with boobs big enough to make a virtue out of not-totally-obvious-staring.) Also, you are evidently not too “morbid” to make men fall for you. Since you do have this history of being with “abusive assholes,” I’d suggest you spend some time thinking/talking to a therapist about whether you are valuing yourself sufficiently! You don’t deserve to be abused. Just like you don’t deserve to be sexually harassed at the workplace (even if you enjoyed the initial YouTube flirting, etc.). If he’s really moving five hours away from you, I’d consider that a blessing in disguise, and let him go.

I have an issue with (gasp) my boyfriend. Boyfriend is, well, not perfect, but is quite nice and I love him, he loves me, etc etc. We’ve been together for about 2 years with one little break up somewhere in there. Regardless, things are great right now. Except for one thing. There’s no easy way to say it, but when I was in college (mumble mumble years ago), I was sexually assaulted by a friend and had a jerk of an ex who liked to both hit me and guilt me into sex. Fun times. Anyway, I have been to therapy and worked through a great deal of it. I consider my sex drive healthy and it works for me. The problem is that sometimes boyfriend likes to take my hand when we are doing something non-sexual (watching TV, reading, etc) and put it on his dick.

Yeah, it’s a minor thing, but because of being forced to do things in the past, I cannot stand it when he does this, and it makes me kind of uncomfortable. When I tell him to stop, he’ll do it a few more times, then realize I’m serious, and pout. The whole thing puts me off whatever sex he was trying to initiate in the first place. He knows about my past, but every time I try and explain why this shit upsets me, he gets defensive, declares that I am punishing him for other people’s crimes, and that I should get over it. Then we get in a giant fight about how he won’t eat me out and I should shave my legs more often and I question why I’m even with him in the first place. I understand that dating somebody with a history like mine probably isn’t easy, but I think I do pretty well all things considered. Is he just being a dick (har har)? Should I just let it go? Are we doomed?

This is perhaps going to sound harsh: but your boyfriend isattempting to undo all the progress you have made in therapy. Not good. And he’s effectively taking sides with your sexually assaultive ex on the question of “does this woman’s opinion even count like a fraction of a percent of a little bit to me?” Horrifying.

Putting a lover’s hand on one’s dick is a “minor” thing when compared to the action of, say putting the dick all the way in somewhere. But the analogy is only balanced when there’s consent involved! Doing either of those things without consent is not cool, and not “a minor thing” in either case. Now obviously this doesn’t make your boyfriend a rapist as much as it makes him a selfish whiner, but it puts him on the wrong end of the respect-for-you continuum all the same.

You could maybe have a talk with him about this (though it sounds like you’ve tried this). I mean, assuming there’s not any other abuse going on that we don’t know about, in the right moment, he could probably be argued into being reasonable in a non-heat-of-the-moment way. My suspicion that if you told him that it felt to you like he was in league or common cause with people who have assaulted you in the past, he would be stunned (and maybe argumentative at first). But also: your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself here. If you’re living together with this dude, you might start calling some friends and thinking about how to extricate yourself from the situation. (Yes, maybe it would fairer for him to leave — but if you get the sense you’re going to have to “argue” on behalf of your feelings’ essential legitimacy, then you might want to cede the territory in favor of preserving your sanity.) Are there some tall dude friends of yours who could come over and help you box up some of your things while also sort of signifying that you taking care of yourself is sort of a non-negotiable activity? Yeah: make some phone calls.

Honestly, I would advise a similar if less extreme course of action to someone who’d never been assaulted! People generally deserve to be with people who want to make them feel good. The most painful breakups are the ones in which everyone’s intentions are good on that score, and yet both people sort of feel weirdly, depressingly unfulfilled. And you throw your hands up to the sky and ask “how come and stuff? we both are committed and in love, but we can’t quite seem to make it work?” But guys who get mad about you the practical outputs of you needing to exert some control and understanding over your complicated past and then whine about your leg-hairs … just ugh. I’m sure this guy has some qualities — though not oral sex-giving — or else you wouldn’t be with him at all. But “has one or two good qualities” does not a happy relationship make.

(And again with the dislike of oral sex! What what what? I would bore a hole straight through my skull and into my brains were I to allow myself to scratch my head for as long as it would take me to figure this phenomenon out. And then even when my brain was all fucked up — via the uninterrupted finger scratching — I’d still want to go down on girls that I’m into, even if I were counting the alphabet like: “C, 9, Jonas Bro. #1, tea kettle, @-sign, 4.” Anyway, this is another bad sign.)

To your final questions: yes, I think “doomed” is a good way to describe this relationship. But even if you decide to try to explain things to him AGAIN, you definitely should not “just let it go.” Nope, no, uh-uh. Mutual desire in the realm of coupledom requires like, actually making the other person’s wants part and parcel of your own.

Previously: Computer Snooping, Virginity Losing, and STD Testing.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?