Seven-Year Itch → Three-Year Glitch

A new study — which was commissioned to accompany the release of the movie “Hall Pass” so you know the science is solid — says long-term relationships are doomed. Really? We already knew that marriages go bad after five years, but it looks like things are getting worse fast! Thanks to Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis, the classic “seven-year itch” has morphed down into the “three-year glitch.” Oh, brother! Just how far down the slippery slope LTRs have fallen?

“[T]hose in the first flush of love can look forward to an average of three compliments a week from their partners — a figure which falls to an average of a single weekly compliment at the three-year high tide mark. The prognosis gets worse the longer we stay in relationships, three in 10 of those surveyed that have been in a relationship for five years or more said that they never receive any compliments from their partners.”

OK so besides being in a constant state of agitation because it’s already Thursday and our partner hasn’t even said one nice thing to us this week not even about our new shirt, what is destroying our relationships? Well, the Daily Mail has put together this helpful list:

Fat? Broke? Lazy? Is that it? Guys, these things are so easy to fix! Instead of taking a “Hall Pass,” let’s make a pact that we’ll all get our sexy underwear out from the back of the drawer, cut our nails over the garbage can, and do some crunches. And let’s promise ourselves we’ll say something nice to our lovers every Tuesday and Thursday at 7pm, even if all we see when we look at them is a chubby slob who snores so much that we can’t ever get a good night’s sleep. Also, let’s work fewer hours but also make more money.

Problem = solved!