Peach Fuzz, Monogamous Nonrelationships, and Friends Like Pippy

by A Lady

I have a question about Monogamous Nonrelationships. What are they, you ask? No one can be sure, because I don’t think they are a thing. But my monogamous nonrelationship partner (my mother refers to him as my “insignificant other” which is pretty good, mom) seems to think that they indeed are a thing, and that we are in one. We met ON THE INTERWEB about six months ago, and have had a weird relationship that has morphed from friends with benefits to him cheating on his brief GF with me to now exclusive dating. I brought up that I wanted to be official and he said we could be monogamous but that he didn’t want to use the words boyfriend/girlfriend.

My question is: A) is this a thing? And if so, B) is this a common thing, and regardless, C) he recently made it clear that he doesn’t see this going anywhere (i.e. that he will never be OK with using bf/gf with me), but that he really enjoys my friendship, companionship, our sex, me, etc. and “wants to have fun while we are young.” I guess I want to “have fun” too, and I’m not sure if I see this going anywhere, either. But if we’re both “having fun” then does that matter? Is it dumb to be in a monogamous relationship that has no future?

Oh gurrrrl, you don’t have to “what are they, you ask” me! They’re definitely something, and probably pretty common among those who still qualify for “having fun” when they’re young. Haha, jealous! : But yeah, don’t worry about being the only one ambiguously involved with someone who isn’t involved with anyone else, ’cause you’re not. There’s probably a Sex and the City about it but I don’t know which one (I think it might be all of them? I honestly don’t know what that show is like).

So no, it’s not objectively dumb to be in a monogamousnonrelationship. It’s dumb to do something you hate, though, so just make sure you’re both actually “having fun” going nowhere. You don’t sound so sure! Like how you said “I’m not sure” before, and also “I guess.” I mean, I love fun, don’t get me wrong. But I also love you and want to make sure you’re not working under the assumption that if you and Lonelyboy have enough fun together for a long enough time, he’ll eventually be like “you ARE my girlfriend, after all!” and then run across the quad to change his Facebook status. He said he wasn’t going to do that, so don’t count on it happening! Also, don’t be confused — your “morph” seems kind of like a lateral shift (from friends with benefits to friends with membership benefits? OK!). So yeah, really don’t count on this guy suddenly deciding that he wants to be your b-b-b-boyyyyyfriennnnnd. And if you totally understand that this might be it for you two and are still DTHF then there’s nothing dumb about what you’re doing. Buuut if you want more than what he’s offering (which you do, I mean, it sounds like you do) you might have to find it elsewhere. The internet is HUGE. There are like hundreds of dudes hooked up to it at a time (pause) and maybe one of them wants 2 b BFGF w/ u?! Or, it’s possible that you’re getting exactly what you want from this guy, and just want to hear that it’s OK that that’s all you want (it is!). Just be totally sure about the deal you’re making with this guy before your fun writes a check your friendship can’t cash and you end up feeling short-changed while he’s laughing all the way to the bank and more words about money, whether or not they make sense.

Anyway, did he say why he’s reluctant to call you his girlfriend? Maybe it’s because the last time he had a Girlfriend he cheated on her and he’s afraid he might do that again? I don’t know, maybe! Also, last time he had a Girlfriend he cheated on her. Just saying.

Oh, by the way, your mom is great. Insignificant other! OHHH snap get em girrrrl!! (@mom)

I started seeing this one girl, and she is a total babe, and I’m way into her, but she’s got the upper-lip peach fuzz, and, you know what else, I even spotted one, lone (albeit) short dark hair. Eww, OK. Eww. I mean, I know it’s there, you must know it’s there. I’ve noticed this on other girls as well, and I’m not gonna lie, sometimes it can be a dealbreaker, and among guys, I’m not alone. So why don’t girls take care of the fuzz on the upper lip? I’ve been shaving my face every day for almost two years cause I have to for my job, and it does not grow back thicker, darker or rougher; this is a myth. I imagine the same would be true of home-waxing an upper lip; which does not sound that difficult really. Is this a careless hygiene thing on her part, or is this a “price of admission” thing that I need to just get over?

Is this about your job? I feel like it could be about your job and how you’re super pissed that you’ve been shaving your face every day for the past two years for it. Keep their laws off your body! Would you shave every day if you didn’t have to?? I’m just curious / you brought it up. Anyway, she probably doesn’t notice it or do anything about it because she doesn’t care (and doesn’t have to for work). Some girls actually don’t care about messing with their faces to make them look more like what you had in mind! It’s not a hygiene thing — it’s not like she doesn’t shower and eats off the floor. It’s cosmetic. I guess it’s careless, which goes along with my theory about how she probably doesn’t care. I think you should get over it. If you’re interested in more than her face, get over it. If you really can’t look past her upper lip, and you’re gonna be like “eww” every time you see her, then I guess stop seeing her? According to Yahoo answers (the only answers, anywhere) if you buy her a gift certificate to a salon, while she’s there getting whatever else done one of the salon ladies will mention the lip thing and she’ll be like “oh, of course!” and then you’re off the hook. So you can risk that going horribly wrong, or just get over it I think. Or, you can offer to let her wax your [body part/region] in exchange for her agreeing to go to the salon for a Face/Off and try to be all fun and kooky about it? That might work! I don’t think so though, so just get over it probably, again!

Anyway, ladies: According to this guy he’s not alone in this, in case you were wondering / care. So if you don’t want at least this one guy to think you’re being carelessly filthy, there’s this and this and/or going to a salon where they’ll fix this one thing about your face for like $10 (the rest will cost millions though, lol right?).

Anyway, guys: This 11 year-old girl got over it, you can also get over it.

I am in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman. She excites me, intrigues me, and loves me. There is no doubt that I am going to ask her to marry me.

In the beauty of our relationship there is only one thing that I keep coming back to, and that is her collection of bras. There are maybe two or three that get cycled through rotation and they are ratty and old. Every once in a while I get turned off when I see them go on or off. I am not looking for her to be decked out in bells and lace every time I take her shirt off but I do think I need something that is a little more exciting and that accentuates her better. I am sure they are very comfortable and she is very uncomfortable with her chest but how do I bring it up to let her know that I think she would look better and feel sexier in something a little bit more exciting? Or is it something that I should ignore altogether because she certainly isn’t telling me what kind of underwear I should wear?

You’re kind of like the upper-lip guy, but I like you more! This whole thing is about who I like the most, right? Good. First of all congrats in advance on you guys getting engaged maybeee!!! Second of all, hm. Yeah, no one wants to hear that they look bad with their clothes off. But no one wants to quietly observe the person they love repeatedly becoming disinterested in having sex with them, either. So, this might work out for both of you?

You can help her update her outlook, for starters, before you help her update her look. Let her know how amazing you think her boobs are and how lucky you are to have access to them! Maybe spend some quality time with them next time they’re out and about (you should probably start referring to them as “out” and “about” also), and give them the kind of attention you think they deserve — the kind of attention the funderwear you’re fantasizing about would call to them. Maybe if you start offering the twins a little support, she’ll rely less on the utility bras. Anyway, she’s not going to look or feel hot in some crazy get-up unless she feels like she looks amazing to begin with. So do your part to help her with that! Make sure she knows that she’s the banginest chick around, even in sweatpants, before you suggest she slip into something more (less) comfortable for your viewing pleasure. And keep it about her! If you want to buy her fancy underthings, pick out something you think she’d actually like and would actually make her feel sexy and more comfortable with her body. Otherwise, this could go terribly.

Oh and did you know that Victoria’s Secret made a diamond bra once?? You should totally use that when you propose!!! It kind of looks like the masks the Foot Clan wore in TMNT but it doesn’t matter she’ll love it, who wouldn’t love it??

This is a totally heterosexual friendship question, but I need an objective lady to give me advice. I have this friend, let’s call her Pippy, because, sure. Pippy and I have been friends since college and we are 30 now. During this time span, Pippy has made tons of bad decisions with her (mostly romantic) life, and has gotten all sorts of bad results from those decisions, and usually during those crisis times, she has slept on my couch and I have literally been like the Pippy emergency room since approx. 2003. This question actually has two parts (sorry feel free to delete one).

Part 1: A few years ago, Pippy was struggling with her own issues (which were totally self-induced BTW!), and I met my would-be husband, and I was obviously super happy. Pippy totally rained on my parade, remarking when I told her about it (and I am sensitive so I purposely down-played it to her) that “She was happy for me but sad for herself” and then went to on talk about all her issues, and basically, I felt guilty for being happy (for our entire relationship until now, actually). Now, she has met a guy, and talks my ear off about him, and is obsessed with him, and expects the fawning response I never got, and I’m annoyed by it.

Part 2: She is one of those friends who ditches her friends once she is happy, and goes into blissy, nauseating couple-retreat-hiding. She is now in that phase, also. So, basically, I have made this effort to be a good friend during shitty times, and now that she’s happy, she’s driving me nuts by 1) expecting praise/excitement that she never provided me, and 2) moving into a cave with her new love-of-her-life. I have read a lot about women friendships and I know that one theory is we never actually want our friends to be happy, and I don’t think that is the case here, but I don’t know, am I bitch/bad friend/confirming this horrible theory about female friendships for really being irritated by her right now?

Ugh. The two of you deserve each other! You guys are like Death Becomes Her. Why are you friends with this girl? You’re 30. You don’t have to pretend to be friends with someone just ’cause they used to sleep on your couch. You’ve felt guilty about being happy for the duration of your friendship? Cool friendship! Definitely invest more time in it. You don’t even seem worried about that, actually. You’re worried that you’re affirming something you read about friendships one time. Hahaaa ohmygod. If you don’t want to be a bad friend, don’t be friends with her. Because it doesn’t really sound like you are a good friend to her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not that good of a friend to you, either, by all appearances. Like, you preemptively lie to her about how happy you are because you assume she’ll be sad about it (oof) AND THEN she’s sad about it anyway! Yuck.

Which brings me back to, why are you guys friends? It’s OK to be annoyed, but “I have literally been like the Pippy emergency room since approx. 2003… and now that she’s happy, she’s driving me nuts,” is kinda like whoa. At least Pippy gave it to you straight with the happy for you but sad for herself bit. But you’re all “awwww come sleep on my couch and complain about guyyyyyys” when she’s down and then all “brb” when she feels good about something? Damn. No wonder homegirl’s got issues. I wonder if she’s always sad ’cause people hate it when she’s happy. I don’t know. Just a thought. Anyway, if her not supporting/praising you when you got engaged did irreparable harm to your friendship (which is totally justified, she sounds like a reeeeal downer!) then why keep it on life-support? If you guys are incapable of being happy for each another, what’s the use?

If you want to stay being friends (for whatever reason), instead of getting all Look At This Fucking Pipster, you should call her up and say, “Pippy, isn’t it amazing that after a zillion years of being terrible, me getting married, you moving into a cave, and all of the other shit we’ve been through that we’re still finding new ways to be terrible to each other? Hahaaa! Love ya bitch!” and just own it. Tell her you’re tired of her always being stank, and that it’s making you all stank in return, and that if she’s down then you’re down to just Waldorf & Statler this shit. Accept that you’re having some kind of misery-loves-company affair and don’t expect anything else from it. You might want to do that, even, ’cause one day your skin’s gonna start peeling off and you’re gonna need someone to spray paint it back on and I wouldn’t be surprised if Pippy was the only one who stuck it out.

Hey, since this question came in two parts, I’m gonna take the liberty of tacking another part onto my answer. Ladies, listen up! It’s Women’s History Month! Burn your bra, we did it! We can vote, and go to school, and marry the president! We can be heroes! Jury’s still out on whether or not we can be friends? Nope. This thing with female friendships and frenemies and we don’t want our friends to be happy and we’re always secretly competing with all the other girls because we all want to be the one with the most cake? Enough with using that as an excuse! Whatever whatever about society and stereotypes pressuring women to act a certain way whatever, and everything comparing us to one another. Yes, and no!! I mean, yes, magazines and reality TV and a million other things. But also, no! Let’s all just act as smart and capable as we are and just decide every day not to be terrible to one another. Can’t we all just get a bong? LOL. But seriously, let’s everyone just be nicer to and more supportive of one another, so we can all focus on what matters (finding a husband. There are enough husbands for all of us if we just work together!).

Previously: Picking Up Artsy Girls, Shaving Mystification, and “Am I a Jealous Jerk?”

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?