Ladies Always Win the March Madness Office Pool, So Let This Frequent Loser Help You

Today someone will e-mail you the brackets. Or pass you a photocopy of them. And even if you know nothing about men’s college basketball, you ought to fill them out. Spend a couple bucks and see how you do. Because this is one office pool where knowing anything about the sport is probably a liability — March Madness isn’t called March Makesense. This year 68 teams will vie for the Championship, and maybe 20 teams have the ability to win it all. I could give you hints about how to win, but what do I know? Nothing. The smartest people who watch every game religiously over the course of the college basketball season are always wrong with their brackets. More often the winner of the office pool is someone who knows nothing about college basketball. Or at least claims to.

A few years back I cracked the Top .1 percentile on ESPN’s Tournament Challenge. But by the Final Four, only one person had chosen the exact, illogical teams left over. She was featured on ESPN, and I wrote to congratulate her. She wrote back and said thanks. She said she had no secret. She knew nothing about college basketball and had picked teams according to uniforms she liked and her favorite numbers. She got to go to the Following year’s Final Four, got a TV, and was feared and adored by hundreds of millions. That could be you! I’ve worked in lots of offices, and no dudes have ever won the office pool in anything. Superbowls, Oscars, Who Would Get Fired First, When Jim Would Ever Get Laid and By Whom. Always a lady is slyly counting the money at the end with a smile that not only says she’s luckier than everyone else, but that she’s wise like Athena / She’s both the Black and White Swan Ballerina.

Selection Sunday (yesterday) is the Palm Sunday of the American Sports Bet. The Possibilities are Endless. Unless your team is on the outside looking in, everyone has a chance to win, and all roads lead to the Finals. All the cool bracket Flash computer versions at Yahoo, ESPN, and NCAA are pretty fun and easy to fill out. And then print out and hang up in your office or cubicle. Like you’re going to keep track on Thursday and Friday like the In-the-Know-Pro you really are. You don’t have to follow through, though, because your chances go up dramatically if you act like you have no idea it’s going on. Beginner’s Luck is the only kind of luck, and, as you’ll find, money won is second only to money won from obnoxious people, which itself is second only to money won from capers. Sadly, Thursday and Friday of this week are the Holy Thursday and Good Friday of the American Sports Bet. Your hopes get washed away like Apostle’s feet on Thursday, and your brackets will probably be crucified entirely by Friday. But fear not! So will everyone else’s! Saturday and Sunday will finish the job, and if you’re still in play then you may be taking home your workmates’ collective dough. Office pools are won in the early rounds by the Cinderella teams. #10 seeds that beat #7 seeds. Everyone thinks they know who the Cinderella teams will be, but who can spot a Cinderella better than the ladies, you know?

Cool uniforms are a plus. Don’t get too bogged down by the numbers. Wikipedia tells us that only once have all the #1 seeds made it to the Final Four. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen this year! And that the Championship game has only had two #1s play each other 6 times in 40+ years. The #8 seeds have a losing record, historically speaking, against the #9 seeds. Only once have all the #1, #2, and #3 teams made the Sweet 16. Who knows more about Sweet 16s than the ladies? No one. But who knows? There are statistics. But Statistics Don’t Hit Last Second Buzzer Beaters. Everyone except the #16 seeds have a statistical chance in the first couple of rounds. But that doesn’t mean this can’t be the year a #16 team defeats a #1. It Could Happen! I picked Boston University to Beat Kansas in a few of my millions of brackets! If that happened, they ought to burn the Charles River!

Every team has a wacky mascot. All the players have cool names like UConn’s Kemba Walker and my personal favorite, last year’s Maryland Terrapin Greivis Vasquez. There is no bad way to pick a winner. Don’t ponder too long or too hard on your picks. My theory is that women win more frequently because they are smarter and more beautiful than us. And also because men spend so much fucking time worrying about matchups and who will guard who and who will take the last shot and women are freer to just enjoy the process of writing college names across the piece of paper. There may be some women who are serious about college basketball and know more about it than anyone else. But these brackets never go according to plan, and they have no better chances, either. What should happen is never what does. Which makes all the games exciting. You can cheer for the underdogs if you like such things. Or the overdogs to crush the paltry #12s and #13s. Some years tons of lower seeds make a run, other years fewer.

Ultimately it’s up to the Fates and the Kemba Walkers who wins the Office Pool. But I bet Fate likes you pretty good, and enjoys giving you money for no reason. And shaming the males in your life. Gay men also do quite well in the March Madness. It can be your money, people. The glory can be yours. Do you like the orange unis or the blue and yellows? Selection Monday is Upon Us. Let your Picks Frolic Beneath your Pen and your Mouse.

Jim Behrle picked St. John’s to go all the way.

Photo via KC College Gameday