How to Give Up Urinary Tract Infections for Lent

by Audrey Ference

Hey, so what are you giving up for Lent tomorrow? Are you wishing you could say “these chronic urinary tract infections”? I’m not a priest or anything, but maybe I could help — not bragging, but I once had a UTI so bad I had to go to the hospital. I guess as punishment for taking doctor time away from people with gunshot wounds, I ended up getting various things shoved up there until they came to the conclusion that I have a short urethra. Maybe you do too?

If so, you probably spend a lot of your toilet time wondering why god hates you/waiting for the antibiotics to kick in. This is bad for a number of reasons! Too many antibiotics and you will be one of those people (me) who have to jump right to Cipro whenever you get an ear infection and will therefore die trying to wrest the last dose of Vancomycin on earth from the dad in The Road after the shit goes down and you’re dying of an ear infection.

Furthermore, each UTI makes it up to twice as likely that you’ll get another one, since the infection makes the walls of your uterus stickier and therefore easier for bacteria to adhere to them. Girls, we want those bladders slippery! The good news is that it’s not too late to fix this mess you’ve gotten yourself into. I can help you make this all go away, but you MUST follow the rules.

Rule 1: Pee every time after you have sex. RIGHT AWAY. I know you think I mean like five minutes later, but I don’t. Jump right up and get peeing. Audrey, but what about my relationship and cuddling? No. Wrong. The most important relationship you can have is with your healthy bladder.

Rule 2: Use plenty of lube. When you have sex, you’re forcing bacteria up your holes. The more chafey it is, the worse for you (in lots of ways! Why are you not using enough lube?).

Rule 3: Drink lots of water. If you start getting that iffy feeling in your urethra — and if you’ve read this far I know you know what I am talking about — drink even more water. The iffy feeling also means it’s time to break out the cranberry pills. The bottle says three pills three times a day. Do that. I guess you could drink the juice if you want to but ick, cranberry juice.

Rule 4: Ask your doctor to give you some Macrobid, the magical bladder-fixing pill. It’s specially-designed for the UTI-prone — you just take one whenever you start to feel iffy and after sex. And despite my desire to say things like “it stops infections before they start,” I don’t get money from the Macrobid people. That shit just works.

That’s it! I’m cured now. Do these things and be like me, happy and unafraid to pee. I’m probably jinxing myself by saying that, but it’s worth it because nobody else should have to go through life considering the $50 Cipro co-pay when deciding whether to bang somebody. And if you do mess up and get a UTI, don’t forget to take AZO, the amazing orange pee pill (also not giving me money) that makes life worth living. Not instead of antibiotics (obviously) but in addition to. It’s in the aisle with the cranberry pills. And there you go. Bladder talk!

Legal disclaimer! Please don’t rely on The Hairpin for medical advice; see your doctor if you have any questions.

Audrey Ference writes Sex With the Natural Redhead for The L Magazine, and so has to think about all this stuff way more than she wants to.

Photo via Flickr