Facebook Surprises, Sex Toys, and “Am I Giving Off Nun-Type Repellant?”

by A Dude

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. We rarely if ever fight and have the best chemistry and communication I’ve ever experienced with a guy. That being said, I am currently bothered by something I discovered. Last year, we both deleted our Facebooks, agreeing it was stupid, creepy, etc. etc. I have reactivated mine once or twice but only for a day, and usually the boyfriend gave me crap about it.

But then while using the boyfriend’s computer, I clicked out of a link I wouldn’t be able to find again so ventured into history to pull it up again. Now, I am not the sort of girlfriend who snoops. I don’t think there’s any honor in violating someone’s privacy and have never gone through messages, texts, e-mails unless he’s asked me to pick up his phone or we’re looking through something together. However, two Facebook icons were near the bottom and I scrolled further down.

His history showed that he had reactivated his Facebook, looked at two girls’ profiles and their pictures, and then deactivated his account. He also had re-read messages from one of the girls. Months ago, we had a fight over her regarding him messaging her privately and I discovered it when he left a window up. This wouldn’t have mattered to me if it hadn’t seemed sneaky; anytime he has had contact with an ex/crush he has let me know and vice versa but not this time.

After discovering it, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. He has reassured me she was a high school crush (they never dated), he would never do anything, blah, blah, and I believe him, I do. So why does he feel the need to do this? I feel like I am overreacting big time and realize that my statement about having the best communication ever with him is totally negated by the fact that I don’t know how to handle this. Any insight?

Better than “we communicate really well” and then “um except this time” is the way you scrupulously state your SNOOPING IS BAD position before admitting that you snooped the hell out of your guy’s computer. There’s a bit of a leap from needing to reopen a closed tab (there’s a plugin for that, FYI) to needing to know exactly what messages he viewed in his Facebook inbox. (Judging from your silence on the specifics, I’m going to assume they weren’t anything particularly incriminating.)

But it’s OK! Sometimes we know that a thing is wrong, and then we do it anyway. Damn the dissonance, full speed ahead! Then, inevitably: “oh fuck now I remember why I have a policy against this.”

Anyway, I personally read this whole situation as pretty innocuous. Maybe one of these girls sent out a mass-email about posting photos of her new cat or something. Maybe a mutual friend said he just would not believe the pictures from this party they went to. Heck, it’s possible he had a dream about one of these girls! You sound pretty mature about your relationship, so I imagine you understand that sometimes, your dude will think about other ladies, if you want to look at the worst case. He seems to be of the opinion that you are the way to go!

In the end, it’s his actions that count: he looked at some photos and read some old messages. You don’t seem to have found anything to suggest that he’s even contacted these women — sounds more like a nostalgia trip than anything. It’s also the sort of thing that’s totally normal for the millions of people who haven’t deactivated their Facebook accounts. I don’t think you have anything to worry about at all.

If you’re really bothered by the fact that he’s being kind of skulky about it (which, hey, I sympathize) you have to realize that he knows you’re sensitive about this sort of thing. Maybe once you’re past feeling threatened about it (and I hope I’m helping you there), you can mention that you came across it, and let him know that just looking at profiles is not something that worries you. No need to hide it! In fact, the hiding is more likely to get you riled up than the profile browsing itself!

As a lady who has generally considered herself a high-ranker in the independence and self-esteem categories, it really pains me to ask this question… but the dudes on the Hairpin seem really lady-positive and non-douchebaggy so here it goes.

I’m a 23-year-old college student. I can hold an intelligent conversation, I’ve got a good sense of humor, I’m fairly attractive, and it’s been about a year since I’ve had any sexual/romantic type contact. With only a couple of months left in my “academic” bubble where everyone is supposedly having boozy one-night stands, I feel like I’m Liz Lemoning wayyy prematurely. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not somebody who complains about not having a boyfriend/girlfriend. Never have been and I don’t necessarily even want one now. But I’m human and the fact that I’m considering paying money (ah! no money!) for a massage just so somebody will touch me is really, really depressing. My friends are starting to view me as this hilariously chaste spinster wing-woman and I’m actually feeling alienated for NOT having sex. (Maybe I should go to BYU?)

So, basically, what am I doing wrong? Am I giving off some sort of nun-type repellent?

I don’t want to be told that “the right person will come along” because I’m not looking for the “right person.” At this point I’m looking for any person.

A Dude, please give me a list of all possible ways normal girls manage to alienate every potential sexual partner around them. Be brutal. What is (most likely) my problem?

I myself went for about a year with no dating right around college graduation. Before you assume this means my advice is going to be terrible, I should humblebrag that hahaha, my dating life is really fucking awesome right now. (OK, the “humble” part of my humblebragging could use some work.) I can tell you the things that I did differently then and now.

Mostly, my advice boils down to making yourself available and approachable to people you don’t know. I went out all the time during my year off, but I was always surrounded by friends, and largely ignored everybody else. This is a mistake! If you aren’t meeting new people fairly regularly, you’re going to have trouble finding someone to sleep with.

So, where to meet people? Go to big parties that will include single strangers, not just people you already know. Drink at the bar rather than in a booth; it makes you MUCH easier to approach when you and your friends aren’t forming a circle with your backs to the world. Go dancing! If you’re a terrible dancer, laugh at how bad you are at dancing while you’re doing it — that’s still cute. Go to shows and talk to the strangers you’re sitting near. I love the feeling of being a “regular” at a certain place, but if you don’t branch out, you’re limiting the number of potential orgasm sources you’re coming into contact with. Don’t go to shitty places, obviously, but give unfamiliar places a try.

I am definitely not Cosmo, but still: Flirting is a skill that must be learned and practiced. Eye contact and your facial expression can do a lot to invite specific people to approach you. Engage a strangers in smalltalk, and try to get into absorbing conversations. These are not magic tricks or football plays; you are trying to signal to someone, “Hey! I’m interested in you.” Less ambiguous is better.

(Oh, and this is probably unnecessary advice, but don’t just stare, OK? Even from across the room, use your expression and body language to engage with the person. React to them; do things that invite a reaction. Let them know that you would like to talk to them.)

This was an issue for me, but probably isn’t for you: keep track of your look? Ladies are generally better at taking care of themselves than dudes, but dudes are sometimes better at dressing like themselves and not like someone they saw in a magazine. Then again, I suspect Hairpin readers are perfectly good at the latter. Worth a mention.

But really, the fundamental difference between a year and a half of no tail and my current embarrassment of plenty? Right now, I’m actively engaging with people I don’t know. The rest is just presenting yourself well.

Alright, Dude. So there’s this guy in one of my group of friends that I’m really into. I see him about every month, and every time we see each other we end up all over each other (but haven’t officially put the p in the v, as I am part of that ever-lame, ever-neurotic, “Virgins of New York Club”). The friends in that group say that he’s into me, but I haven’t officially ever ASKED him because by that point my mouth is usually on his mouth and it’s kind of difficult to talk about ~*~our feelings~*~ like that.

So, yay! But my problem is the IN BETWEEN TIME when we don’t see each other. I REALLY want this to be more than just a “Hook-Up of the Month” thing — I’m okay with those kind of relationships with other guys, but not with him. I’m trying to be really “cool” and “nonchalant” and “not crazy needy/jealous” about this in his presence, even though my brain is doing some Cosmpolitan-style overanalysis 24/7. Like, he’s not very good at returning my texts or Facebook messages? He is very shy/borderline Asperger’s/never been in a relationship before (and judging by our sans-clothes interactions, is … unfamiliar with female anatomy)/a lot nerdier than the guys I’ve dated in the past, so I’m giving him a little leeway as to “not knowing how to proceed,” but my self-esteem is still wounded by his lack of contacting me. Also, he used to have a crush on the friend that introduced me to him, and she doesn’t seem to have problems with him returning texts. My experience with Nerd Guys (sorry, sorry!) in the past is that they crush long, and hard, and will hold out in the Friend Zone for a girl forever, and I’m sort of afraid he’s not over her?

Anyway, all dating guides would tell me “HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU” because he’s not aggressively pursuing me. Considering the circumstances, though, should I be more aggressive and like … actively ask him out on dates? Tell him I want to be more than just sex buddies? I’m also hesitant to be too aggressive because I don’t want to mess up the friend group dynamic by making it awkward if he’s not ACTUALLY into me. Help!

I’m kind of confused by this. He’s not actively pursuing you, but does everything but penetrative sex every time you’re together? He has issues with basic courtship, but not attaching to your face like a mynock to a windshield? I’m having trouble getting a coherent picture of this situation.

When you say you’re OK with casual hookups with other guys, do you mean that you have a history of preferring those over relationships? Maybe he’s assuming that you’re only interested in physical affection. On the other hand, I hate to say it, but I have also seen nerdy guys cling to crushes, so that’s also a plausible explanation.

Mostly I think you are just freaking yourself out unnecessarily. Women do this all the time when they’re just starting to date a dude. When the pair is together, everything is hearts and flowers, then once they’re separated for any appreciable span of time, it’s time for the NEUROSIS PARTY. “What does this text mean? What does this lack of a text mean? What does his Facebook status mean? Is he still into my friend? Is he not into me?” This cycle continues until a little gore-covered Cathy bursts out of your stomach screaming “AAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!” This is all totally unnecessary.

I do think it’s up to you to move things forward. Ask him on a goddamned date already! I don’t consider that a particularly “aggressive” move. Circling in this weird holding pattern obviously isn’t doing you any good. Time to break out of it. You’re not going to damage the dynamic of your group if you two already spend all your time making out.

So I happen to be blessed with one of those manfriends who not only likes to go down on me, but is really good at it. It took him a few times to sorta get the hang of what works and what doesn’t with me, and now that he has, he is sooo proud of himself. Which I love. Here’s the thing: he’s the noisiest “eater” ever. (Sorry if that’s crass.) He breathes out of his mouth instead of his nose, and makes these slurping sounds that eventually become so distracting and comical that I have to bite my tongue not to laugh. The LAST thing I would ever want to do is appear ungrateful — or worse, make him self-conscious and not want to do it anymore — but is there anything at all that I can say to him so that next time I’m not conjuring up images of doggies with ice cream cones?

I… what? I just can’t believe that this doesn’t self-correct. What happened to his situational awareness? Are you clamping your thighs over his ears that tightly? SHE SHOULD BE THE ONE MAKING THE FUNNY NOISES, LOWER-CASE DUDE! I suppose there’s a chance he gets off on the sound of your labia flapping around like startled, soggy-winged bats…?

I think the best way to correct this is to be direct. Next time he’s trying to inflate your womb, put on your concerned voice and say, “Oh, baby! You sound like you’re suffocating down there! Breathe through your nose, you poor thing!” Make it about him, not you, and DON’T make it sound like a reprimand. That should basically do the trick.

Are guys intimidated by vibrators? I didn’t start having orgasms until a year ago, and I have only been able to have an orgasm with a vibrator. Now, don’t get me wrong — I love sex and am pretty much up for anything in bed, but I just always need a little extra ‘oomph’ to get me over the edge. I just got out of a relationship because my ex was very upset that he couldn’t make me cum on his own, would get really angry if I tried to bring my vibrator into the mix during sex, and thought that I should give up masturbating and my vibrator for a while so that I would get less ‘addicted’ to vibrators. I didn’t like his attitude, told him that the sex we had was no longer satisfying for me since he was so hellbent on getting me to give up my vibrator and learn to have ‘real orgasms’ with him, and we decided to go separate ways. I haven’t slept with anyone since him, and I’m wondering: are all guys like this? I’m assuming not, but either way: what’s appropriate vibrator etiquette?

I was really intimidated by vibrators the first time I talked about them with the girl who punched my V-card, but then, I was seventeen? I was imagining this secretive cabal of pervy but brilliant scientists doing everything possible to render the human penis obsolete, ensuring that no inexperienced but enthusiastic young men would ever get laid again. Basically, yeah, boys are born susceptible to intimidation by sex toys. Those of us capable of acting like adults grow out of it pretty quickly and easily. (It does not sound like your ex was interested in acting like an adult.)

But maybe you want to bone a dude who is still a little freaked. If I may offer some suggestions? Make him a participant. Look through a sex toy catalogue with him, or take him to a local sex store. Tell him what you’ve tried, and what it does for you, and what you’re kind of curious about. Also, it sounds stupid, but little clit-stimulators are going to be less intimidating to a newbie than the gigantic plasticocks with the nubs and the attachments and the spinny bits. If you’re interested in the latter, you might want to play it down at first.

Whatever you buy, let him use it on you. The thing that’s intimidating about toys is the idea that they cut your man out of the picture. (A lot of women feel the same way about porn.) His fear is that one moment, the two of you will be having sex, and the next moment, you’ll just be masturbating because he can’t satisfy you. Get him to use a toy on you separately from penetrative sex before you start trying to do more than one thing at a time. He’s probably going to suck with it at first, but train him just like you would someone new to oral — only this time it’s easier to guide him to the right spots. It will also help to make it clear that the vibrator alone is no match for vibrator plus dick. Try to work in a practical demonstration of this principle as soon as you can.

Previously: Dating Your Boss, Money, and Finding Guys Like Dave Bry.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?