Doofus Misses His Ex-Girlfriend

Want to talk about terrible emails that ruined our lives? This guy does, and here’s his:

Nicola,
Well, I guess that shows me what kind of person you really are. I hope I never see you again, and had no idea that I had been going out with someone so cheap in the first place. Clearly I made the right decision when I kicked you into touch.

Well, you have fun with the poor new bloke, whoever he is. I’m off to find myself someone less plain than you — and maybe not so fat, as well. I need someone like you like a hole in the head.

Cheap meaning slutty in this case, I believe.

But he embeds that email within a long confessional article about the email that adds a few more nails to his coffin of shame. (“We went on a short break to Barcelona and it hadn’t lived up to expectations — she had wanted to visit art galleries whereas I’d have been happy sitting out in the squares drinking Rioja and eating tapas. Now, the sensible thing to do is to weather these rough patches, talk it out, compromise. But I am not a sensible man … [and] I ended my relationship with Nicola just short of the six-months mark.”) Sort of the newspaper equivalent of wearing a sandwich board apology/making a penance billboard.

So then, what this blog post is doing right now is shining a light on some poor guy — who’s himself trying to shine a light on something, he just isn’t quite sure what — on two levels. First for his email, second for his article. Radiating outward in rings of negativity. If I wanted to go for three levels (bloggers aren’t generally known to be smug assholes, so it’d fun to break down that wall) I’d make fun of the way he uses big words.

Someone on Twitter should now make fun of this post, and it’ll be like the old lady who swallowed a fly, perhaps she’ll die.