Don’t Hide Your Armpits, Flaunt ‘Em!
How many times have you been enjoying a girls’ night out and had a few too many sips of your cosmo, and you start to feel a little unhinged, like you could start spilling your dirty secrets, and you come this close to saying, “You guys, my armpits are so hideous. It’s not just that they make this stinky juice; they also grow all these little hairs”? So many times, right? But you would never, no matter how drunk you were, actually say that out loud because underarm shame is the worst, most quiet shame a woman can feel — worse than cankle shame, worse than flimsy fingernail shame, worse even than blackhead shame. Until now… Girls, our liberation has arrived in the form of a massive corporation that is willing to do the brave work necessary to save us from ourselves! That’s right, the Wall Street Journal says it’s Unilever to the rescue!
“’We spoke with over 500 women, and almost every one of them thinks that their underarms are unattractive,’ says Mike Dwyer, U.S. marketing director for Unilever’s deodorant business, including its Dove, Degree and Axe brands. One in three, meanwhile, said they feel more confident when their pits are in good condition, leading Mr. Dwyer to say, ‘How do we give them that confidence?’”
I’ll tell you how they’re going to give us back our confidence, they’re going to sell us an important new deodorant that fixes our embarrassing armpit problem.
“Dove Ultimate Go Sleeveless, which hits U.S. stores this week, claims its formula of specialized moisturizers will give women better-looking underarms in five days.”
Whoa. It’s so easy! We all need to go buy this secret armpit elixir immediately and slather it on with an alarming frequency. Then five days from now our long national pit-ty party (sorry) will be over, and the streets will explode with crowds of tank-topped women sporting the most attractive armpits you’ve ever seen. We’ll laugh and sing and wave our arms around in the air like we just don’t care — because, in fact, we don’t.
Picture via Flickr