Cheating, Sex With Recovering Alcoholics, and Crushes

by A Married Dude

I met this guy (let’s call him Harry) about three months ago and we hung out a couple times and went out on a few dates. We never had sex, but talked about it. [Wait, WHAT? — Married Dude] Then one day I looked through his Facebook and noticed he had a wedding ring in a couple of the pictures. I flipped out, of course, and he quickly explained to me that he’s getting a divorce and was embarrassed to tell me since I’m the first girl he’s dated since his separation. He didn’t want to admit to having a failed marriage — apparently she just “changed” and they grew apart. He hasn’t brought me to his place (telling me that he is living with a friend while he looks for his own place) and he hasn’t gotten a lawyer yet for the divorce.

Being the curious person that I am, the next day I did some research and found his wife on Facebook. I saw that her status is “Married to Harry.” When I saw this, I stopped talking to him and cut him off completely.

It’s been a month now of not speaking, then he sends me a message asking how I was doing — I responded and he wants to hang out again. He said it was a shock to get cut off like that — he’s not used to that happening. I think he is still lying to me and want to confront him about it, but don’t know if I should or not. The worst part is that I really like this guy, but I don’t want to do anything without knowing that he’s divorced for sure. And every time I bring it up, he assures me that he is and tells me that if I don’t trust him then I should walk away and he’ll understand. Now what? Am I getting the runaround? Is he that charming and deceitful? Suggestions on how to handle this?

Wow, Happy Madison Productions really is upping its advertising sophistication. This almost sounds like it isn’t a viral marketing campaign for Just Go With It.

Seriously though, yes, it’s the runaround. Yes, deceitful. I’ll take your word for it that he’s charming, because he sounds like he doesn’t even respect you enough to lie creatively. And what he gave you stinks like an ultimatum, even if it does involve the word “understand.”

As I see it, you should do one of two things. One, go to the upper right corner of the wife’s Facebook page. See the action called “Send a Message”? If they’re really getting a divorce she should have no problem confirming that. Two … no, just do that first one. Good luck.

So I’ve been married for three years to a man 10 years older than me (25/35). Since we got married he’s conquered alcoholism and depression and we’ve had a pretty rough time. However we’ve always had a very active sex life, 3/4 times a week, and sometimes some pretty kinky stuff. But now, when we’re in the best situation of our lives, financially, emotionally, suddenly he’s lost his libido. To be frank he can only do ‘it’ for about a minute, and because of this (and other reasons?) he says he doesn’t initiate sex as he doesn’t want to disappoint me. But if I initiate he says no. He’s always talking about how tired he is, or his neck aches, or something else, and I feel like he’s making excuses even before I initiate anything. When he does initiate he always wants to have anal sex. I tried to explain that if we’re doing it more often I won’t care that it only lasts a minute, or that we have the occaisional bum sex, and maybe with more practice it’ll last longer, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference, he’s made and broken a lot of promises. Is this something I’m just going to have to accept? Has he reached and passed his peak at 35? Am I only going to get shagged once a month at the most for the rest of my life!? I am going a little stir crazy, I’m young and have always had a high sex drive and last time we did it I cried afterwards, which totally freaked him out. HELP!

Wow. Um … I’m just going to answer this next question and get back to you.

How do you deal with your mild crushes on other ladies? If your answer to that is “I don’t have mild crushes on other ladies,” then can you ask one of your married-dude buddies who does? Please god let the answer not be, “I act on them all, why?”

Obviously, like every other guy I know, I ask them out on a date first, being sure to take her back to the humble apartment I pay for with the separate bank account my wife doesn’t know about. But hey, I almost always use a condom, so, bright side, right?

Seriously, I suspect how many married men handle crushes is how many married women handle crushes: appreciate them for the private vigor they allow our otherwise wholly shared lives, an opportunity to tingle for three minutes about an unknown that we genuinely do not ever want to know, but that seems so momentarily effervescent when compared to the Preparation-H-on-the-counter no-secrets lives we lead the other 1,437 minutes of the day.

How exactly one “deals” with a mild crush probably is dependent both on that individual and on how happily married that person is. An unhappily married guy is probably wont to act “on all of them,” and that’s the problem, because he doesn’t even care anymore. Me? I’m happily married, so I deal with them by acknowledging exactly what they are, and what they are not (and, occasionally, when she’s at her mother’s for the week, masturbating).

OK, back to the earlier woman.

Between dead sober and the whisky-dicked frat buffoon is the numb-penised alcoholic. Winos are excellent at sexing because they’ve been drinking long enough to stay hard despite being plowed, while at the same time being so numb that they last forever.

After sobering up, the recovered addict is a mushy, emotional, fragile thing with a hair-triggered penis. Having not felt any genuine sensation down there for years, he is again a 14-year-old, likely to come merely from the sight of a Don Martin-sketched buxom gal in a Mad Magazine cartoon … um, where was I again?

“He’s always talking about how tired he is, or his neck aches, or something else and I feel like he’s making excuses even before I initiate anything.” Yes, he is. And this is a bad sign, I’m sorry. Is he on depression meds? I’ve heard those can work over a libido.

You seem to have talked this over a lot, but have you put it to him in these exact terms? This is no time for the manipulative sexual politicks and talking-around-things-while-seeming-to-talk-about-them game. That is to say, just directly ask him what he thinks you should do. Ask bluntly. And while I’m sure it might be difficult, crying should just stay out of the bed altogether. No crying in bed. Period.

Finally, it’s an ugly adult world where Princess Ariel teaches swim lessons part time because her husband is getting fewer hours in the kingdom. So, to answer your question about if you only going to get shagged once a month at the most for the rest of your life: By him, maybe.

Previously: Experimentation, Divorce, and “Dealing With My Demons.”

A Married Dude is a married dude who doesn’t claim to know everything about marriage. Do you have any questions for A Married Dude?