Ask a Pigeon

by A Pigeon

Earlier today, a pigeon joined us.

Dear A Pigeon,
In my decade of NYC life, I have yet to see a baby pigeon. What is up with that? Your kind even nested once on a (ruined) air conditioner I used to own, and still I saw no pigeon youth. Suspicious!

Oh, that one’s easy — it’s because we’re better parents than you. We sit on our kids; we keep them secret. You probably weren’t looking hard enough into your (ruined) air conditioner, but our babies were in there, it’s just that we don’t show them off on YouTube or put them in funny t-shirts that say “mommy’s so hungover right now” or whatever. Not that we aren’t sometimes, ha ha — I like to eat throw up as much as the next pigeon. Speaking of which.

Dear Ask a Pigeon, OK, I’ll bite: What’s the deal with you guys eating cigarette butts? Also one time one of you was on a subway platform and it was cracking up a three-year-old.

A) To be honest, every single time — literally, every single time and it kills me to admit this — every time I see a cigarette butt, I think, “Maybe it’ll be an actual lit cigarette that I can smoke, like I see EVERYONE doing,” and so I go to suck on it and I’m like, “This doesn’t feel right, I think it’s just a butt again,” but I keep sucking and eventually I’ll just eat the whole thing. I KNOW. I know. It makes me feel like shit, too, believe me. I once saw myself reflected in a window doing it, and — ugh. I’d say I probably do it about 40 to 50 times a day.

B) A lot of subway platforms are underground, so when we find our way down there and a kid sees us, they might laugh because they’re not used to it and they’re still in a phase where unexpected things are funny to them, I don’t know. Was your platform above ground? That might be on the kid.

Dear A Pigeon, sorry I always tried to kick your family as a child. And young adult. Also, are you a white pigeon? They’re my favorite. Is that racist to ask? Okay, write back! XOXO

Nope, I’m not a white pigeon. My picture is above. You know what else is above? I actually won’t tell you, but it’s outside and you should keep your face turned upward as you look for it. Look directly up. Close your eyes if you want to just *feel* for it as well.

Also sometimes when I’m waiting for the bus, I’ll see a dude pigeon chasing a lady pigeon and he’ll chase her for like 20 minutes and anyway, I know it looks like she’s nodding the whole time but, dude pigeon, you should really learn a thing or two about consent. I guess that’s not a question.

Also, it’s not cool that you both run out in front of traffic to do this.

Since that wasn’t really a question I won’t treat it as such, and instead will ask you a question. Can you give me a cigarette?