Weight Gain, Orgasms, and “Everyone Hates My Boyfriend”

by A Dude

I’m currently sleeping with a guy who can’t seem to last more than about 10 minutes in bed. This means he goes frustratingly slow, stopping every few seconds to regain his composure, to no avail. He says this has never happened with any other girl he has been with, that there is something “different” about my vagina. Specifically, that it’s so tight, that he can’t help but reach orgasm after just a few thrusts. While I would normally believe this is some kind of excuse for his quick performance, it’s not the first time I have heard this from a guy. I have slept with a few others who told me I had a particularly feel-good vagina, and they too couldn’t last very long without taking several breaks or going excruciatingly slow. So my question is, is it possible to be too tight? Is there anything I can do that will help my guy last longer? I don’t really feel like I have any control over the situation, but I’m tired of being unsatisfied.

First off, your guy may not be that far from the norm. Alfred Kinsey concluded that the average man lasts for only two minutes of “penetrative thrusting.” All right, that seems way low, and was reported in the late ’40s. But more recently, Cosmo readers reported an average of only 10–15 minutes of pounding away before Old Faithful erupts. Just as dudes can’t reasonably expect our ladies to deep throat or enjoy rowdy fivesomes, y’all should remember that the guys in porn are trained, Viagra-juicing professionals, and that premature ejaculation doesn’t make the final cut.

All that said, sounds like he’s used to lasting longer, and other dudes have outstayed his time in your tight quarters. And even if 10 minutes is sort of normal (I hope it’s not, for everyone’s sake), it’s not long enough because it’s not enough for you. I am curious if this guy and the others who have noted your feel-goodness are on the larger end of the dick size spectrum, and whether more moderately endowed goldyjocks might have found your vagina juuuuuust right.

In any case, I fear the answer to your question is no, there’s not much you can do to make him last longer. But there are some things you can suggest HE try. This first trick will require an awkward conversation, though. When you part ways next, ask him not to jack off at all before he sees you again, ideally a couple days later. Stay with me here. The next time you do it, it’s going to be like normal, only he may come even faster because he’s near bursting. Here’s the catch. His balls are so full, he’s going to be ready to do it again really quickly, and in my experience it’s easier to last longer on the second go. It’s worth a shot, so to speak. Also, have you had a.m. sex with this gentleman? Since morning wood is brought on by the hormone clock rather than more organic arousal, it can be a less sensitive, slower-spurting variety of boner. If you do try these suggestions, make sure to mix in some times where you tell him to not worry about it at all, just thrust away for however long he lasts, and ask that he treat you to some tongue, finger, or toy, to make sure you’re not left hanging. It’s not like fucking is the only way to fuck, after all.

One final thought. My guess is that you haven’t been seeing this guy for that long. And if you stay together, he’s going to get better. He’ll get accustomed to your tightness and more comfortable with you generally, so he’ll be both physically adapted and less panicky. I’d say give him some time.

But if it doesn’t work out, can I suggest you consider dating a Chilean? If 2010 taught us anything, it’s that those dudes can survive for a really long time in a tunnel.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and he’s fantastic; he’s the perfect combination of smart, attractive, funny, and mentally stable. I adore him, and he adores me! The problem is, everybody else thinks he’s a douchebag, and I don’t know if I’m just refusing to take off the rose-colored glasses or what. His only fault is that he’s extremely independent/stubborn, and has a very strong sense of justice. He will stand by his opinion no matter how unpopular or mean it makes him look, and he will always believe that he is right. I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing, but it makes him especially difficult to deal with during competitive activities, like sports, where he will argue a “call” way past the point a normal person would consider reasonable. I value my boyfriend, but I also value my friends, and it’s hard to listen to them complain about him all the time without getting really upset and confused. What would you recommend?

Wow do I already hate your boyfriend. Seriously. I have no doubt that, just like your friends, I would find this guy to be a jerk. His good qualities — smarts, attractiveness, sense of humor — do not prevent him from also being an asshole. Who knows, the reactions those qualities elicit may even fuel his arrogance.

Sounds like you have a different definition of douchebaggery than your friends. For your friends, and me, his insistence on being right is enough to make him unbearable. That precludes fun conversation, which is the only enjoyment one really gets from someone else’s (faithful) boyfriend. And you, you just think he’s got too much integrity for his own good. It’s possible you’re right, but I doubt it. In my experience people are pretty reluctant to loudly voice complaints about a friend’s GF/BF — especially directly to the friend — except in the case of blatant assholery. Unless you’ve got catty, jealous friends who just don’t want you to be happy without them, it sounds like they’re so sure this guy is bad news that they’re willing to put you through the short-term sadness/awkwardness of hearing about it to find long-term happiness without his douchey self.

Which doesn’t mean you have to listen to them. Because they’re not dating him, you are. And I’m guessing he may not treat you the same way he treats the other seven billion people on earth who aren’t boning him. I’ve observed many couples where the dude is a jerk to everyone but his lady, with fists up to the world and down only around the damsel (and — barf — where she may even feel protected by his outward-facing dickishness). If this is the case, it would also explain why you have a different opinion about him than your friends outside the Green Zone: you get to see another side of him. But they don’t, and I wouldn’t hold your breath for them to suddenly see his self-righteousness as integrity.

So you’ve got a choice. You can keep dating him, knowing that your friends will probably never approve and that some may drift away altogether once it becomes clear you’re with him for the long haul (expect some awkward bridesmaid speeches). Or, stay with him and try to get him to change. Since his issue is stubbornness, good luck with that. Third option, break up with him. That’s what I so want to recommend… but I don’t think it would really be fair, because it’s up to you and I’m somewhat blindly siding with your friends.

So here’s my advice: stage a reverse-intervention.

Gather your best friends, tell them flat out that their complaints about him are making you question the relationship, and ask them to express their concerns in a thoughtful way, rather than the exasperated gripes I’m guessing you normally hear from them. After all, you say his only fault is rigidity, but they find him to be a full-on DOUCHEBAG. Them’s apples and oranges, girl. Your friends may surprise you with a longer list of bad traits that you don’t notice, and if they’re good friends, their worries will relate specifically to how he treats you and changes in how you act when you’re around him, not just what they find annoying. My gut says they’re going to say some things that make you rethink his character altogether.

On a side note, vaginal rinsing seems to be a healthy thing. Should Hairpin readers reclaim “douchebag” as a proud compliment? (I would suggest that my fellow A Dudes may qualify, for their attempts to wash away not-so-fresh misconceptions in lady-readers’ vagina-minds. Questions? Ask a Dudechebag.)

[Ed. note: Douching is actually not good for you at all! Don’t douche!]

How do you dudes generally feel about sharing the cost of birth control? My pills cost $22/month, and I would like my boyfriend to help pay for them — if not 50/50, then at least throw a couple of bucks in. I feel like the pills directly benefit him and his peace of mind by ensuring his non-fatherhood. But, I can see how birth control pills would be seen as a strictly lady purchase. But, I am a poor college student and could use the help. But, he is also poor and I hate bugging him to pay for stuff. But, if we were only using condoms, I would probably be buying about half of them (we go dutch on almost everything). What do you think? Talking about money can be so stressful — what would be a good way to bring this up?

This is a no-brainer. You’re totally justified in asking him to pay for half of the pills. You’re right that you both benefit equally. I have no advice for how to ask, as I don’t think this should require any strategy or politicking or sugar coating. Just say “Hey, I’ve been thinking, we should split the cost of my pills because they’re really for both of us.” Okay, I guess that was sort of advice.

The only thing I’d add here is that twice when I’ve offered to help pay for girlfriends’ birth control pills, they have said thanks but no thanks. This surprised me, but I realized that they actually felt protective of the responsibility, and I think even a little bit didn’t want to feel like sex was related to some financial arrangement. It’s possible he’s dated someone like this too, and isn’t offering because he doesn’t want to cross a line. But most likely he’s just not thinking about the cost much at all, and if you ask he’ll pony up the $11 a month (let’s call it $10).

Which I guess does bring up an awkward scenario, because how do you bill your boyfriend ten bucks a month? It’s not like dinner, where you split the check. He’s not going to be in the pharmacy each time you get the prescription filled. Here’s what I’d say: think of something you buy each month that costs around ten bucks — a bus pass, a pack of cigarettes, a phone card, something — and he covers that. Bonus points if you make some hilarious joke about how it’s a lot cheaper than how much college will cost in 2029.

I’m 25 and I’ve never had an orgasm, except while sleeping (twice that happened). That’s it’s own thing and whatever, I hope to resolve it someday, but the most pressing matter: guys don’t seem to like fucking a girl who can’t come. Like it hurts their feelings or something. And I feel like a loser bringing it up.

I am NOT inhibited, believe me. I don’t have trust issues, and I really like sex. I’m game for a lot of things, and I treat sex like “hi, I just want to have fun, and not worry about you worrying about me having an orgasm.”

I’m not kidding, but they can hold it against me, even in a subtle way. Or else, what’s worse, is that they give up trying and make sex all about them. NO. I still like everything other girls like, even if it’s less of “…!!” for me and just “…. ….”.

A) if you have any tips for me having an orgasm beyond the usual things (seriously, I have asked doctors, looked through magazines, even considered surgically altering my vagina…none of the typical advice really applies…masturbating has never held any interest for me…I feel nothing unless I’m with someone else. I’m like a sexual sphinx or something).

B) how do talk to men/ women about this? I don’t want to fake it, because smart sexers are never convinced anyway, and that’s just lame.

I understand the guys holding it against you that you can’t come. They simultaneously feel like they’re letting you down, which makes them defensive, and feel let down themselves because they don’t get the thrill of victory. So that’s just a communication issue: if you sense that he’s clearly trying to get you off and frustrated, stop and say, “Just so you know, I don’t come during sex. Don’t worry, I still really like it, but I don’t want you to get carpal tunnel rubbing away down there.” Then explain something you really do like. Because even if it’s all ellipses and no exclamations, there’s gotta be some stuff that feels better than other stuff, and he’ll be happy knowing he’s doing that special thing, big O or no.

The sleep orgasm is fascinating. And I don’t think it’s its own thing, because it proves you are capable of coming. Just because you’re uninhibited doesn’t mean there’s not some suppressed stuff that’s keeping you from feeling totally comfortable with a partner or with your waking self. I’d think hard about those sex dreams in case they hold some clues about what would make you come while conscious.

It’s also fascinating that you have no interest in masturbation. Since you’re not into touching yourself, I wonder if you’re putting the full onus on your partner to get you off. Like, it has to be something done to you, not with you? I don’t mean in a mean way, since you acknowledge that you’re cool with sex without climax, but more in how you conceptualize orgasms. I think you should focus on masturbating and talk to your lady friends about techniques, particularly the first things to ever make them come. It’s not uncommon for chicks to not come with partners, and most I know had their first orgasms alone — and sometimes under surprisingly specific circumstances. My hunch is that until you find what makes you come on your own, a guy isn’t gonna pull it off. (Perhaps this question should also get floated by my esteemed colleague A Lady.)

By the way, how exactly were you thinking of surgically altering your vagina? Because as I’m guessing you know if you’ve read magazines and talked to doctors, only a fraction of women can orgasm from vaginal sex, with the vast majority of comers climaxing from fingers or tongue on the clit. And apparently around ten percent of women report that they never come at all, so you’re among friends. Not that you need to accept being in their company. My guess is they gave up, and I don’t think you should.

OK dude, dating this guy and, long story short, we are in love. Problem is. He’s in law school and wants to be a trial lawer, I’m in the film industry and want to make movies. He will have to get barred in a state and stay there. I need to go to a state where the industry is and be able to travel. We broke up once because the prospect of this is re-donkulously daunting. But after four months of not talking he contacted me again and we are sort of back to where we are. In the words of one gay cowboy I can’t figure out how to quit him. Is there anyway to make this work? Is it ridiculous to ask for a compromise when he has an “important” job like law and I’m just making movies?

When’s the last time a movie affected you? When’s the last time a trial affected you? OK, that’s stupid to compare, but the point is, making movies IS important, because it’s important to you. You need to be in a production city; he can take the bar in any state. If you’re really in love, here’s the compromise: he gets to choose between New York and LA. If he’s hinted that you should give up your aspirations to go to a random state where he wants to do his law-ing, sounds like he doesn’t really respect the fact that you want a career too.

And wait, if you were able to go four months without talking and only got together after he contacted you, I wonder if you’re really in capital L Love with this guy. Sounds like you might be just sliding back to him because no one better has come along. If you really belong together, I don’t think you’d be setting this work thing up as such a huge obstacle. I don’t know how many filmmakers are happily married to lawyers, but I’ll bet you three C-stands and a gavel that it’s more than zero. If he’s the one, this isn’t a real problem.

In the past few years, my boyfriend has gained a fairly significant amount of weight (probably 50+ pounds). Sure, some of this weight gain is due to him getting older, his metabolism slowing down and some is due to genetics, but I would also say a fair amount is due to his complete disregard for the basics of nutrition. He’s a borderline glutton who loves all things in excess, so it’s never just the single cheeseburger, always the double with fries and onion rings, and never just a glass of wine when he can have a whole bottle. I worry about him because both diabetes and heart disease run in his family, and I feel like he doesn’t want to consider the future consequences of all of those deep fried treats. I have also found myself being increasingly turned off, not by his size (though I have found the added weight means he goes at it with a bit more force than is comfortable for my lady parts) so much as by his lack of willingness to change any of his habits, even though he often expresses dissatisfaction with his weight and body.

When he’s around me, he’s usually pretty open to suggestions of more vegetables, less fat, less alcohol, but by himself or around other people, he seems to have no idea how to order the slightly more healthy option off a menu or just eat a normal portion size of something. I feel like I’ve tried everything: cheerleading, honest discussion, the occasional mean comment (not my finest moments) and even things like offering to go to the gym with him or help him with grocery shopping. But he’s very stubborn and resents me talking about it at all. And I understand that. I realize he’ll have to come around to these lifestyle changes on his own, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait for him to get serious about getting healthier. I also feel like weight and eating habits are such personal things, and I dread bringing them up even though I know I need to be honest if it’s becoming an issue for me. Is there a proper way to talk about this? Is there anything I can do to nudge him in the right direction (and should I even be trying to do that)?

Wow, that’s tough. You’ve tried being nice, being mean, being a partner in getting healthy, and no dice. You’re right that weight and eating are very personal things. But in a relationship personal things become shared, or else why would this be affecting you at all? I believe that at the beginning of a relationship — barring chemical burns and thresher accidents — we enter into an implicit agreement that our appearances will degenerate at a relatively standard rate. If we’re lucky enough to be together for years, we’ll get to see each other droop and wrinkle and plump. Your guy has broken that agreement, and he’s taking you for granted — not just assuming you’ll accept him no matter what, but flat out ignoring your pleas for him to get healthy.

It sounds like you’re realizing that at some point soon, his eating habits and weight are going to be a dealbreaker, and you need to be honest with him about that. Nudging isn’t going to work. You’ve tried it. As for the proper way to talk about it, I think you need to make it less about him and more about you. He’s clearly not going to do it for himself — though I think it’s pretty safe to say that if he were suddenly single, he’d take a keener interest in his weight and habits. You need to light that kind of fire under him while staying together. Here’s a potential script:

“Troy [all hypothetical boyfriends are named Troy], I want to talk about something sort of difficult. I love you tons, but I’ve realized I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take care of himself. I’ve suggested a lot of things — going to the gym with you, shopping with you — and none of it sinks in. It makes sense that you think this is none of my business, that it’s only about you. But it’s not. There’s diabetes and heart disease in your family, it’s starting to hurt when we have sex because you’re heavier, and frankly I feel like I deserve to be dating the person I was dating in the beginning. It’s not even mostly about appearance, it’s about you respecting yourself as much as I need to respect the person I’m with. And understanding that how you treat yourself affects me too.”

Don’t get me wrong, this conversation is going to suck. And ultimately he’ll have to stay healthy for himself, or he’ll feel bitter. But he needs a jumpstart, and needs to understand that this actually isn’t all about him. Luckily, exercise is an antidepressant and balanced meals make you feel awesome, so hopefully you can kick his fat ass over the hump, and by this time next year you’ll have a more toned, sprout-fueled dude on your hands. Best of luck to you both.

Previously: Talking Dirty, Internet Dating, and “Is My Friend Dan Lying?”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?