Threesomes, Intimate Compliments, and Whether “I Look Like an Idiot”

by A Dude

I like to keep my eyes closed. During sex, I mean! (Although it might also be a good life strategy; who knows. It’s a crazy world out there.) I never really thought about it until recently, when a friend was like, “I’m sleeping with this guy and everything’s great except he keeps his eyes closed the whole time! Which means he’s obviously repressed, or can’t deal with intimacy, or was molested by a priest!” I’m paraphrasing, but that was the gist.

So I was like, “Huh,” and changed the subject, because I felt so, so self-conscious! Does this mean I’m repressed/closed off/freaked out by sex? I don’t think so! I mean, I love sex! I’ve been in a relationship for a while (years) and our sexual chemistry is great! And I’ve always thought of myself as a total intimacy champ! If I had to analyze why I keep my eyes (mostly) closed, I’d say it’s to concentrate on feelings. By which I mean, sensations. It’s like if you shut the visual out you can get deeper into the tactile. Ya know?

But does EVERYONE ELSE open their eyes the whole time? No one has ever complained to me about this, although my partners are limited because I’ve been with my dude for a long time. He has certainly never complained.

Short answer: you’re more than fine. And it clearly doesn’t bother your sexual chemist boyfriend so (as I would always recommend) you should do whatever it is in bed that you’re comfortable with. Clearly not everyone else opens their eyes the whole time. The vast majority of folks tend to fluctuate between sight and closed-eyes concentration.

However, I’m gonna go ahead and call shenanigans on your friend’s guy keeping his eyes closed the entire time though and this being the ‘only’ problem. (I’m also henceforth going to refer to her as Danielle.) First, those are dangerous assumptions, and as she didn’t say that they had actually spoken about it, they are just that. Second, is it really possible for a guy to keep his eyes closed the entire time and still be good in bed? I would argue it’s not. And that’s not just because I prefer to be in control and there are considerations to be made that require the sense of sight. So unless he simply lays there like a starfish, lazy as an unused bulldozer and let’s Danielle do her Danielle thing I just don’t, well, see it.

Yes, yes, there is always the possibility that Danielle’s man may be singing a really soulful R&B song in his head and he’s just really feelin’ it, but once Sam Cooke has finished singing “A Change Is Gonna Come” I doubt she does.

Sex from any and all angles looks great and have you ever seen a naked woman’s body? From the subtle slope between her collarbone and neck to the soft skin where butt meets thigh? DEARGODMAN! It’s fucking devastatingly beautiful. Forehead-slappingly so. And this, question-asker, is most likely why your boyfriend cares not that you close your eyes. Because he loves all of you and it would be an unspeakable waste of all your you-ness to be the least bit concerned with such a small area of you.

Please allay my fears about looking like an idiot when I get on top. Seriously, I try to climb up there occasionally, but I feel feel foolish every time I do, so I tend to avoid it because I get self-conscious and that’s The Boner Assassin. Is it possible that I do, genuinely, look stupid? I mean, I’m not totally inept, I think on the whole I’m pretty good at the sex thing, but when I straddle a guy I’m totally convinced that I look like a seal flapping around aimlessly. Is this something that happens? Cowgirl ineptitude? Or is it just one of those things that girls will always be unnecessarily concerned about, like their smaller left breast?

I almost want to combine this question with the one above as they’re quite similar. As the far more cerebral sex I completely understand that for some women it’s not the easiest thing to give yourselves over completely during sex. Whether it’s the first time you’re with someone or the twentieth, it’s an occasion wherein you’re literally and figuratively leaving yourself open. As self-consciousness doesn’t play well for anyone during sex (no one includes the word “thinking” in descriptions of those passionate, animalistic, up against the wall bouts of nakedness) you should only be doing what you’re fully comfortable with. You don’t have to check off every single position or anything for sex to be AWESOME. And if given the choice of having a girl on top me who wasn’t completely into it (with thoughts of foolishness dancing in her head) and having one who ecstatically pulled me close to her, breathing and tensing below me with her only thoughts dedicated to how good it feels, which do you think a guy would rather have?

So please believe me when I say that YOU LOOK GREAT WHEN YOU’RE ON TOP!! You really, really do though! Truly. I can’t imagine any guy short of Tucker Max legitimately ever having thought to himself during sex, “man, this girl looks like an idiot.”

But, should you want to tackle this issue head on I’m going to suggest some very specific steps you can try. Maybe practice by yourself on top of a pillow. (Like some girls practice their camera-pose in their full length before going out.) If you want to feel 100% confident that you will look disastrously, achingly sexy while atop a guy here are the four simple, simple things you should do — close your eyes, tilt your head back (arching your back ever so slightly), dig your nails into his chest all while biting at your bottom lip.

I give you our ‘A Dude’ money back guarantee.

Oh, Dude, what is the deal with straight guys and their obsessions with girl-on-girl and threesomes? I love my boyfriend. He’s supportive and kind and funny and great in bed. We just moved in together, in fact! I am serious about this guy! But he is into this threesome stuff, and the casual lesbian stuff. It REALLY turns him on, which I know is a common thing. He’s mentioned it offhanded a few times and I made sure he knew I wasn’t into it. Now it comes up, just sometimes, and in a jokey way, but that kind of jokey way where you know deep down it’s actually kind of serious.

Look, some of it I can handle. He doesn’t bring it up much, really. And depending on my mood, I can joke around with him about it, and every so often (very rarely) I’ll jerk him off while I talk dirty about it because I know it gets him really hot. There is give and take in sexual relationships! I can be open-minded about his desires etc.! But goddammit, Dude, it’s not something I’m interested in at ALL. Not only am I, like, 99.9% straight, it makes me feel incredibly inadequate, like I’m not enough for him. It’s a jealous feeling, which is weird, because I never ever thought I’d be the jealous insecure type.

So am I just being overly sensitive? Uptight? Prudish? Am I sending mixed signals? If this occasional thing is the worst part of our relationship I’m INCREDIBLY lucky, and I know that. But it gets under my skin and I’m tired of it and I’m confused. What can I do to set my mind at ease?

It is the unfortunate disposition of many individuals of my generation that our sense of entitlement permeates many (if not all) facets of our lives and manifests itself as a sense of dissatisfaction. Do you think my grandfather, a strapping Cary Grant WWII vet, gentleman incarnate, Brooks Brothers brotha and a once-living reminder of the oft-forgotten notion of valor felt he was owed the experience of crossing ‘have a threesome’ off his Fucket List?

This day and age the vast majority of guys at some point in a relationship are going to try to broach two subjects with their girl: anal sex and threesomes. Both these things are fun when you get to do them for the first time, sure, but if a girl EVER clearly states her unwillingness to participate/try these things and this is a dealbreaker for him? Fuck that fucking selfish shithead. However I must say that I feel that all guys get a pass to bring these things up ONCE. (Of course this also goes for girls in bringing up traditionally taboo sexual subjects.) But if/when a girl replies, “sorry, but there’s no way that’s happening,” a guy should NEVER bring it up again.

Alas, it doesn’t seem that you’ve actually been firm with him in your unwillingness. While you may have actually said something at some point, nowhere in the above question do you say, “I told him that I will never ever do that, but he STILL continues to bring it up.” Furthermore, asking if you’re sending mixed signals indicates to me that you recognize that you probably are. You know in your heart of hearts and mind of minds that you shouldn’t joke around about it with him and handjob him while talking about fucking girls all while expecting that he will simply stop bringing it up.

Ideally the dude you find yourself with for the long term has gotten his sexual bullshit out of the way. If he wanted to try these things that you’re currently uncomfortable with, you hope he got to do them earlier. Simply, if your boyfriend had a threesome ages ago, before you, he probably wouldn’t really care as much. (I apologize as this isn’t necessarily helpful to your situation, but I would be remiss to not mention.) I have plenty of friends with girlfriends who have never had threesomes. Good-looking, charming, sexual guys who probably could have experienced one at some point if they had pursued, but despite this fact they don’t feel an inherent NEED to have one. I take issue with any guy who feels he’s living “a life without,” as if he needed to claim some sort of imaginary sex trophy, and I’m somewhat concerned that his bringing this up (whether occasionally or consistently) speaks to this fact. So I really want to reiterate the need for clear, direct communication. “I understand this is a fantasy of yours and, as you well know, I’m very open-minded but I just don’t share it. I love you very much, but that doesn’t mean I will be having a threesome. Now or at any time in my life.”

And IF you say something like this in plain, wood-cut, crystal clear as day English that this will NEVER happen and he still will not relent?? My suggestion for ending this is SUPER SIMPLE. Tell him that you’d bring another girl into the bedroom if he agreed to bring in another guy into the bedroom for you. You will have him painted into a corner. He can’t get upset or obstinate and say “why!? Is that your fantasy!? You want two guys!?” because you can simply reply, “why is that any different?” I don’t feel like I’m selling out the crew by telling you how to manipulate us, because sometimes strategically employed, logic-based tactics are necessary to alleviate issues that stand in the way of success.

You clearly love him and he clearly loves you. In the end everything else is just white noise mumbling on the living room TV. Things will right themselves I’m confident.

Let’s go back to the “pussy taste” thing. Is complimenting the way a girl tastes a stock thing that dudes do now? I feel like I have heard “you taste amazing” a lot in the last year or two. I have never complimented anyone about the taste of their bodily fluids. Did they tell dudes to do this in a recent GQ article or something? It feels like a “you’re so huge” type of line. I eat meat, smoke, and rarely have pineapple so nuts to popular theory.

When is a sex-compliment ever a bad thing? I highly doubt this question would be asked if the phrase used was “you feel amazing.” BUT, to be fair, your question did not include your dislike (err, distaste) for hearing these words. You don’t seem to be complaining about it, so this is more a ‘what’s up with?’ kind of question, and I’ll address it as such.

Sometimes vaginas taste really sour and bitter and there’s a seeping, thin, viscous gel whose tang could be described as the unholy concentration of a thousand post-Equinox spin class ladycrotch-droplets. Sometimes they don’t really taste like anything at all. And then sometimes they taste like honeysuckle and vanilla frozen yogurt. Knowing just how bad it could be, when these latter instances occur it’s pretty exciting. That compliment you’re receiving is more or less these dudes’ desire to share said excitement with the purveyor of said honeysuckle yogurt.

Also, there’s the possibility of this comment being an informative one. If I may anonymously overshare here, personally I don’t care about kissing a girl after she’s gone down on me. I’m sure that there are plenty of man-kids out there that have some weird masculine, homophobic (OMG IF I TASTE MY SEMEN THAT MEANS I MUST BE GAY!) kind of reaction and demand a thorough brushing before re-engaging, but basically yeah I’ve more or less tasted myself. (Quick note: did you guys know that there are girls out there who will violently force the post-swallow kiss with a sword-like tongue stab down your throat as if to prove something? It’s weird and not cool. This is not the kind of kiss I’m talking about.) ANYWAY! Gingerly unaware if you have tasted yourself or not, I posit here that these gentlemen may just be giving you a quick, considerate lil FYI:

RE: THE FLAVOR OF YOUR VAGINA

Dear Mlle,

Prior to our tongue-to-clit congress, should you not have heretofore been made privy to the amazingness of your savory vagina, allow me this moment to enlighten you to this here truth.

Best,
Dude

But maybe it’s in GQ also. I personally don’t read it, but they probably say a lot of crazy shit in there like, ‘Top 10 Designer Sneakers” or “Another Way to Wear Jeans and Blazers.”

Previously: Weight Gain, Orgasms, and “Everyone Hates My Boyfriend.”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?