The Hairpin Interviews Ken, the Doll

The Hairpin: Ken, what’s going on with you this month? You’re all over the place.

Ken: I know, I know, things have been so crazy! I’ve definitely got a lot of balls in the air, but it’s been rewarding just juggling them while also staying grounded and focused, just being locked in on the here and now.

TH: Ken.

K: Because ultimately the crucial thing is to stay true to yourself while also opening yourself up to new experiences, novel happenings. To revel in the present while simultaneously basking in the magic of yesterday.

TH: Ken, stop.

K: What. [Makes puppy dog eyes and a frown] Me make interviewer mixy-uppy in her thinky place?

TH: What? Anyway, what’s the deal with you and Barbie? You actually want her back? Or do you just want to sell yourself more? To actually sell more Ken dolls.

K: Ah, it appears you’ve asked what they refer to in the biz as — and correct me if this is the wrong terminology — a stupid question.

TH: Go fuck yourself.

K: Aaand wait two beats, and then do you want to make a joke about my private parts?

TH: Ugh. I guess. I mean why don’t you have a penis? If you had one you might sell more.

K: Would I, though? Think about it. I mean, I know that’s asking a lot from you, but imagine like you’re listening to a Katy Perry song, and that place where you can hear the music? That’s your brain, that’s the thing you should be using in this situation right now with me.

[I flick him in the face.]

K: Ow! Just kidding, I can’t feel pain. Except for the embarrassing, vicarious pain I’m feeling for you right now, as you grapple with the fact you just hit a doll.

TH: Whatever. Do you not love Barbie? Are you gay?

K: I’ll answer your question with a question. How many Twitter followers do you have?

TH: Me personally or The Hairpin?

K: Oh I’ll be generous. Let’s just go ahead and add them all together.

TH: I don’t know. Like —

K: Hahaha, yes you do. If there’s one thing in your life you’re sure of it’s that.

TH: Like five and a half thousand combined.

K: Do you think that’s a big number? Like a tippy-top number? One of the ones at the very highest part of the numbers?

TH: Shut up.

K: Well, today you’re going to hear about an even higher number, because Ken “Doll” Carlson has seven thousand Twitter followers.

TH: Yeah but you’re like, what, seven thousand years old?

K: Oh she’s got jokes! Want to repeat it louder so more people can be given the gift of laughter? No? Anyway, if you’re asking, I’m 50.

TH: Ha, your first follow was Ashton Kutcher?

K: Don’t look in that section.

TH: And then Justin Timberlake and Ellen! Followed, awesomely, by ESPN, NFL, and NBA. Ken, you hate baseball?

K: Relax. It’s a Twitter account.

TH: Are you going to re-propose to Barbie on Valentine’s Day? Currently America, or whoever is voting on your ridiculous thing, agrees with you, and thinks she should “give [you] a chance.”

K: Aw, isn’t that nice. Tell me more, America. I’m right here, paying extra-close attention to whether you press one thing or another on “my” website. Mmmhmm? Mmmhmm? Oh yeah? Well I’ll be.

TH: What kind of ring are you going to propose with?

K: A Nuva ring. Also this interview is over. Someone put me in my little backpack and carry me upstairs.

(This interview is fictional and has nothing to do with Mattel.)