Sex, Exes, and the Bi-curious

by A Queer Chick

OK so what if you’re definitely straight but you kind of get really turned on by girl-on-girl and would love to try it someday. But also you don’t want to offend anyone by being like, “Oh I’m straight, I’m just doing this for sexual novelty/curiosity.” You’d definitely be reciprocal and everything … just, is it annoying to have a straight girl be like “Oooh me me me”? But like, she really wants to, just no strings attached.

You’re “definitely straight” but you want to have sex with a lady? I just want to state for the record that I am TOTALLY DOWN with this definition of straight. Equal rights to girl-on-girl action for everybody!

So the first thing you have to consider is: are you really hot? Because if you’re really hot, this is probably not going to pose a lot of difficulty. I mean, obviously everyone is beautiful in her own way, and I’m sure you have amazing characteristics that make some people go all dreamy-eyed whenever your name comes up in conversation. But not everyone is stone-cold traffic-stopping hot. If you’re Megan Fox and you walk up to a lady and go, “Satisfy my bicuriosity!” she’s gonna be like, “OK, that works for me.” (What, Jennifer’s Body was awesome.)

For the non-Foxes among us, it might be a little more challenging. There are plenty of lesbians out there who want hot, reciprocal, no-strings-attached sex, but no one looking for a one-night stand wants to spend that night explaining to you why you really do need to cut your fingernails first, no seriously.

You may fare better with someone you already know than with trying to pick up a stranger at a gay bar. If you are lucky enough to have a slightly slutty lesbian friend to whom you are attracted, you should consider getting drunk with her (not shitfaced, because you are not a creepy sexual predator, just tipsy enough to be conversationally uninhibited) and telling her that you REALLY want to eat some pussy just once, to see what it’s all about. Mention that you are good at following directions. See if she picks it up and runs with it. Obviously you shouldn’t do this if you suspect your friend of harboring romantic feelings for you, or if you have any other reason to think that a one-time hook-up will damage your friendship. But don’t worry about this too much. Queer chicks’ potential dating pool has always been a lot smaller than yours, so many of us are pretty comfortable fooling around with our friends/friends of friends/exes of friends. (Or is that just the people I hang out with?) Make sure no one is going into the encounter with unrealistic expectations of what this will mean in the future, and if you’re confident that your friendship is secure, then go for it. And speaking of following directions, when you’re down there, left means HER left.

If that doesn’t work (or if you have no slutty lesbian friends), you need to hit the online dating sites. Skip the dykes and seek out a nice, curious, “definitely straight” girl like you.

Do queer ladies in a relationship keep score of who has a prettier vagina? Sorry if that’s shamefully petty, but, you know. It’s anonymous! No question is a stupid question!

Just for the record, some questions ARE stupid questions. Not that this is one of them! It’s just a question that I had seriously never considered, ever.

Which probably means the answer is “not that much.” I’m not saying that I speak for all queer chicks everywhere (OH NO, the entire premise of this column, it has just been undermined!), but the fact that it’s never come up suggests that not a lot of us are thinking about it.

I think the concept of a “pretty vagina” is actually kind of hetero; when dykes think about a vagina, we mostly think about 1. who that vagina is attached to and 2. what we would like to put in or around it. I also think the specifics of what constitutes a “pretty vagina” in this day and age are influenced by straight porn, which lesbians by and large do not watch, because yikes. Queer girls aren’t immune to societal beauty standards or anything, but we do tend to have a little more opportunity to see through them and realize that certain things are just totally artificial and unnecessary. For instance, I understand that many of you breeders are now straight-up shaving EVERYTHING below the waist? Whereas we, or the subset of “we” that I have seen naked in the last couple years, are not. So I suspect that the Rules for Aesthetically Pleasing Junk don’t affect queer girls quite as strongly.

Finally, if you’re in a relationship, don’t you kind of automatically think that your special lady-friend’s (or dude-friend’s) genitals are the prettiest ones you’ve ever seen? What would be the point of keeping score? It would turn into an extremely nauseating version of the Cutesy Couple Pseudo-Fight: “You have a prettier vagina!” “No, you do!”

What *do* two ladies do in bed?

See, okay, THIS is kind of a stupid question. What kind of boring sex are you having? Have you never had any experiences beyond “insert penis, remove penis, repeat”?

Queer girls have the same erogenous zones as straight girls, which means they can get off on pretty much the same sexual activities — cunnilingus, fingering, mutual masturbation, 69ing, fisting, etc. Add a strap-on to the mix and you’ve got all the positions and variations available to straight couples, and then some. (If you don’t see the appeal of a strap-on blow job, I despair for your lack of imagination.) If you’re not squeamish about expanding your sex toy collection, there are more adventurous options available; I know girls who swear by the double-ended dildo, for instance. Not to mention all the kinks that straight people enjoy — bondage, role-playing, etc. — none of which are rendered impossible by the absence of a (flesh and blood) cock. You seriously couldn’t think of ANY of that on your own?

What are some exercises I can do to become better at using my strap-on?

This is totally not a stupid question! This is an excellent question. And my excellent answer is as follows: It depends on what you mean by “better.” Are you trying to build up your stamina (strap-on sex can be exhausting if you’re not used to it) or are you worried about pleasing your lady? If it’s the former, you’re gonna want to do core-strengthening exercises to build the muscles that get a workout during penetrative sex. Crunches, sit-ups, leg lifts, and so forth will strengthen your abs and lower back. Hip thrusts will work your butt. Push-ups are especially awesome because they work your arms as well as your core, so you’ll last longer on top. Also, strap-on sex can cause or exacerbate lower back pain, so STRETCH, especially if you’re already prone to back problems (like me). Actually, you should stretch anyway! Everyone loves a flexible sex partner!

If your concern pertains to how effectively you’re getting your special snuggle bunny off, well, the only way to improve in that department is through practice. There’s no way you’re gonna be a total stud with your new toy the first time you take it out of the box. You’ll fuck up the angle, you’ll pull out farther than you mean to, and — depending on what style and material of harness you have — there’s a very real chance you’ll accidentally yank out a pube or two. What you need to do is work with your lady to figure out how it feels best to her. How high or low does she need you to wear it? Does she need lube? Is it better if she helps you guide it into place? Do you need to warm it up first (run it under some hot water if it’s chilly in your room, nobody wants a popsicle up in her business)? Which way does she prefer it to curve? And so forth. If you both feel like you’re doing everything right and it’s still not getting her where she needs to go, invest in a vibrating cock ring and thank me later.

And remember that sex toys can spread STDs, so if you’re sticking that thing in more than one person, please put a condom on it.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and she just wants to be “friends.” She still talks to me the same way as before we broke up and when she comes over, we act like nothing happened and we’re still in love and we even have sex. Her Facebook status says “single” and she goes out to bars looking to hook up with other people. In public, it’s like I don’t even exist. I feel so torn because I still love her and it seems like she loves me still, too. What should I do?

Oh honey. Between you and me, your ex-girlfriend is a manipulative douchebag.

She’s using mixed signals to get everything she wants out of you (friendship, sex, emotional support) while avoiding giving you what you want (public recognition of your relationship, refraining from fucking other women). As long as she tells you she still loves you, she gets to have her cake and bone random chicks from the bar, too. This is, in my professional opinion, bullshit. There are certainly some friendships that include both love and sex, and in which both friends are free to see other people as they desire, but that’s obviously not your situation. You want more and she doesn’t — and she KNOWS you want more, and she’s playing that to her advantage. As long as she dangles the possibility that she’ll come back and you’ll live happily ever after in front of you, she continues to have a reliable fallback lay who already knows how to do that thing she likes with the ice cube.

Look. I’m not saying she doesn’t love you. It’s entirely possible that she does, and is just too selfish or confused or whatever to know what to do about that. But this relationship, as you’re clearly already aware, is not giving you what you need. Tell your ex that if all she wants to be is friends, you’re canceling her all-access pass to your pants. Then start looking for another girl — one who wants to fuck your brains out AND hold your hand in public.

A Queer Chick is a queer chick who knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?