Scoring the Six Greatest Moments of a Girl’s Life

by Sarah Schneeberger

Hey, look at that unusual old print! The outfits look nice, and the ladies are so pretty. Let’s see…

“The Greatest Moments of a Girl’s Life.” Fun, I’m a girl! I wonder how many of the Greatest Moments I’ve experienced.

“The Proposal”
Hmm. Off to a bad start. No one has ever proposed to me, and I’ve never proposed to anyone. There was once a conversation that hovered uncomfortably around the subject of an odd-shaped sterling silver ring, but it died there. It may not help that I’ve said things like, “What’s the point of getting married?” “I would feel uncomfortable wearing a diamond everyday,” and “I don’t want to get married.” I probably should avoid saying those things and maybe also make an effort to appear more infirm.

“The Trousseau”
Nope! Looks kind of fun, though.

“The Wedding”
No.

“The Honeymoon”
I’ve gone on vacations with men if that counts? (It doesn’t.)

“The First Evening in their Own Home”
OK, I’ve done this one! I was feeling bad about the absence of Great Moments in my life, only this looks a little different than my moment. I mean, there weren’t any roses. Instead of flowers it smelled more like chemical paint stripper and stale cigarette smoke, and there wasn’t a tablecloth or a formal tea set or much furniture. And I wasn’t wearing a gown. Maybe a t-shirt and a dust mask. And it wasn’t really our own home, since I bought the house alone, and my then-boyfriend was renting from me. So, never mind. It wasn’t like this at all.

“Their New Love”
A baby! No, no babies yet. But see, I don’t want the Final Great Moment to come too early in my life and then have to live for years with nothing to look forward to. Strategic delay.

Yikes! My score (1) is really bad. I don’t know what to say. Hopefully you’re a more successful girl than I am. (-0.5 for each additional moment two through four; +0.5 for each additional moment six.)

Sarah Schneeberger scatters her talents in Minneapolis.