Put Makeup on Your Legs

I noticed recently that every time my boyfriend goes on a business trip (haha, “business trip” — he’s a comedian, let’s be honest) I end up noticing a million bruises while frantically shaving my legs the day he gets back. It’s like I lose all inhibition and spend our days apart getting my arms and legs intimately acquainted with every corner of every piece of furniture in my entire apartment. This also happens if I’m ever asked to be in a wedding or do any public speaking.

And it runs in the family. The day my dad was getting remarried, my sister and I were in the wedding in short dresses and we looked at each other and were like WTF HAPPENED TO YOUR LEGS!? Then quickly drove to the only store in town that carries beauty products, Rite Aid, in search of a cure. We found Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs Makeup. Holy shit, this stuff works. It’s like spray foundation, basically? But cheaper? And more coverage but not in an obvious way. And also comes in a shimmery variety. It was actually not just awesome at covering our dents and dings, but made our legs look…prettier? I dunno, the stuff just works. Hold it about 10 inches from wherever the bruise is and sweep it back and forth just a little to fan it out. Boom. Oh also, weirdly, it’s in the Sally Hansen nail care section of the drugstore.

In other covering-things-up news, my friend Lindsey has this kind of huge all-black tattoo on her forearm and was asked to attend her super-conservative brother’s wedding but only if no one saw the tattoo (families!). She bought some Dermablend on a recommendation, wore a short-sleeved dress, and swears “I shook hands and hugged my way through a 250–300 person receiving line without anyone noticing my tattoo.” Sneaky. And here’s a video:

Jane Feltes produces the radio program “This American Life.”

Photo via TheVinylVillage