Porn, Assne, “I Love You,” and Short Guys

by A Dude

My boyfriend is very well dressed in the fall/winter and is also in good shape. When it comes to summer, he wears huge, baggy, unflattering clothes. Can I fix this delicately?

Dear god woman, what about spring? What is he like in the spring!?

Given the way you frame the difference here I assume you equate well-dressed with fit. Which you are EXACTLY RIGHT to think. Fit is everything. That’s why britishzens describe attractive folks as ‘fit.’ As far as fixing (let’s actually say ‘adjusting’) a guy’s style, you actually can. I once told an ex-girlfriend I would NEVER roll up my jean cuffs and, well, here we are.

Here’s how my little brother’s girlfriend got him to stop wearing pants like those caricatures Cher admonishes in Clueless when she asks ‘what’s with the way guys dress today?’ She took him jean shopping. She didn’t lay out lame men’s magazines, send him links to Valet or A Continuous Lean or get a store salesperson to come over and say, “tell my boyfriend that he’s actually a size _____.” With a smile she said, just go try these on, I want to see how you look in them. He tried on a pair that fit, she gushed and kissed and fawned and then when my mom and I saw him later that day we reinforced how great they look. Then I asked him to try on a well-fitting jacket of mine and the mirror didn’t lie — he looked better, nodded his head and said, “you guys were right.” Also, his girlfriend probably went down on him later. Again, reinforcement.

Stick with basics. Take him jean shopping. If geo-possible don’t go to a department store. Mainly because I get to speak for myself here and I hate department stores. Go to the source. You don’t have to go selvedge or anything. I recommend Levi’s ($55 or so) or Uniqlo ($40). Then (here’s the kicker!) later that week buy him a three-pack of white, crew neck Hanes t-shirts (no guys EVER turn down fresh white t’s) in a size one smaller than he wears. And again, some a.m. before-work reinforcement ALWAYS helps.

I recently got hitched — my husband and I are both in our early 30s — and I recently discovered that he has been watching porn, especially porn with “teens” in it. I wasn’t snooping when I discovered it, which is probably why we’ve been together for over three years/lived together for 1 1/2 and I had never known about this until now. I trust him, and I know that he loves me, but it was pretty weird to come across this. For one, because we have frequent and good sex — we’re both open-minded and communicate what we want and when we want it. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just stick to the real thing instead of watching some strangers fucking on screen. The teen thing freaks me out a bit, partly because I’m not one, and if that’s his fantasy, then there’s not much I can do about it. I also wonder whether he fantasizes about some of these girls/women when we’re in bed. I think he watches it in the morning right after he wakes/before he showers, but when I’m still in bed.

Basically, ever since I’ve discovered this, I feel like there’s a part of me that doesn’t trust him now, and I hate feeling this way. I also kind of feel betrayed/cheated on, and feel like there is something wrong with me — like, if I were more attractive or had bigger breasts, he wouldn’t resort to watching this. I realize that a lot of people are into porn — I’ve just never been excited by watching strangers having sex. I’d rather have my own. I’m trying to understand, from a guy’s perspective, why you watch this, and how you justify it to your significant other and yourself, especially if your sex life is otherwise really good. I asked him about it when I came across his user history — not in a confrontational way — but I did let him know how I felt when I saw that and told him that I just wanted to understand why. He felt badly that I was hurt, he told me that it has nothing to do with me/that he does find me sexually attractive, but he hasn’t really stopped. (Now that I do know, I do check his user history, and I never used to do this.) Got any insight?

(For the purposes of this discussion, I feel it important to call out that the porn I’m going to speak to here is your plain vanilla, hetero-normative, sweat n’ muscle dude dick-ing a platinum blonde kinda porn. Because this is ‘Ask a Dude’ and not The Atlantic I’m also not going to speak about the industry itself, its dangers, trappings, and everything in between.)

There’s a term that all guys use to describe a certain kind of look. It’s called “porn star hot.” While it’s typically reserved for waitresses and bartenders at Irish pubs with year-round Christmas lights and themed barbeque joints, I mention it for to assuage your fears of porn stars as fantasy girls. ’Cause when a guy utters this description it’s not really a compliment. He’s basically saying that while he would definitely do her in her room of unframed French spirits posters he would never endeavor to see her again, date the lass, or bring her home to mom. These women aren’t our life fantasies. They’re momentary distractions and cognitive descents into the depths of our own insecurities, and onscreen they’re fleshy avatars symbolizing a sobering desire for unfettered willingness and submissiveness rarely realized in our everyday lives. We also dig on moaning sounds.

With this said, it sounds like everything is not only completely normal but really good and I’m confident will continue to be as such unless your insecurities and self-concern upend a solid, love- and sex-filled matrimony. Step outside yourself for a brief moment and ask yourself the following: Do you really really really really feel that him sitting at his personal computer indoors in the warm confines of your home bedroom staring at a screen doing the same exact thing he’s done since the age of twelve is tantamount to cheating? If he was masturbating in the shower with his eyes closed would you still feel as if he’s cheating? I’m just worried here. Because there is nothing wrong happening at all, yet your anxieties are creating tension and clouding your perception of the health and strength of your relationship.

The teen thing is largely a function of availability and popularity. And, also, ‘teen’ is just an easy, over-arching descriptor for young-looking girls. “Early to Mid Twenty Year Old Girls Love It Up the Ass 4” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Regardless, if ‘teens’ were actually his specified preference he’s simply reconnecting with a lost youth he once had or always wanted to have. Or the young girls are just better looking than the older ones in the videos he’s sifting through. But you do know he’s not a pedophile, right? And while I don’t know his preferred viewing site (redtube, xtube, youporn, etc), there’s a lot of sick shit out there with ‘teens’ easily being the LEAST. If it was the opposite, that he preferred “Mature Women” (age 50+) porn, that would be wayyyy creepier in my opinion. Or, another inverse option, Teen Boys.

There was an MTV True Life about a guy’s massive porn addiction. He had to move out of his house, away from his children and enter a program. There’s also guys out there who actually have a preferred way to tie their scarves, watch bad horror movies ironically, and knew who Susan Miller was before you told them about it. So take comfort you married a normal guy. There’s so much GOOD and so much NORMAL here is what it sounds like. In the end you’re talking about two minutes out of his entire day and you’re still getting yours. Just because you don’t personally understand it, doesn’t mean you can’t be open to accepting it. You fucking love this guy for christ’s sake.

I’m a little too gifted vertically (6’0″), which is great in pretty much every city except New York, where I am often the tallest person in whatever bar I find myself in (my theory is that the Napoleonic complex has driven vertically challenged guys from all over the country to NYC…). I have no problem dating/hooking up with guys that are shorter than me, but this is a seldom occurrence, as I am rarely approached by them. When I have had the balls to hit on one of these “short” guys (shortest ever probably being 5’9″, so not really even short at all!), my success rate is pretty low. I get on some level that guys are emasculated by taller girls, it’s kind of weird to see taller girls with shorter guys, blah blah blah… But really, what’s the deal? Anything I can do to make my amazonian qualities less intimidating? I’d like to date some Napoleons and not always have to end up with the tallest guy in the room!

Making your qualities less intimidating? Like color blocking? Or capping your barroom stories with ‘or whatever’ before sipping a clear drink from a straw? Don’t concern yourself with such nonsense thoughts as intimidation. The same way attractive is attractive is attractive, confidence is confidence is confidence. Height in a woman doesn’t matter to the confident man. From your shallow financier/model situation to your jockey/beauty pageant dynamic. Do you think Peter Dinklage cares about height? No way! He quotes Twelfth Night then lays her down with gentle authority.

But I find myself wanting to take a step back here. Me thinks you may be more concerned about finding that certain someone than you are concerned about the height issue. It’s a stand-in for a far more general worry we all have had. This may sound like some left coast, ‘Im not, like religious, but I’m, like definitely spiritual, you know?’ kind of advice, but you have to be open to all those before you and learn to release such external concerns. To the right guy your height won’t matter at all. And he’ll love how all its advantages and disadvantages made you who you are. But seriously you have to exorcise these thoughts from your mind. They will consume you and hinder your awesomeness. Unless you put that positivity out there you’re not gonna find that great guy who has a well curated Mamas and The Papas playlist, takes his time kissing the low of your back, and always tries to make you laugh your laugh.

After 6–7 great months of dating my boyfriend I said “I love you” and didn’t quite get the response I was looking for. He said he “doesn’t do well with these things” later finding out he’s never said those three words to anyone before. He’s 29 years old and has been in two relationships that lasted over a year and a half and has never said it ever to any girl! I surely thought the feeling was mutual and since then, nothing has changed. He acts as nothing ever happened that night and continues on with our relationship being awesome, which it is, except for that one night. He’s at my beck and call and would do anything for me. His actions let me know that he loves me, but just hasn’t said it. What gives? I don’t want to bring it up and have him feel pressured to say it to me, but at times I resent him for not. Shine some light PLEASE!

Whew. All right. I wouldn’t venture to assume how he feels one way or another, but what I can say with complete MANfidence is why he didn’t reply in kind that night. He didn’t say it because like a lot of people he assigns a lot of weight to that phrase and for him it’s less a response (here, “I love you too”) than a decision he has to consider on his own time. The conversation he’s having may be something like, “Sure, I love her, but man I’ve never said those words before. And those aren’t words you fuck around with! Those aren’t words you can just say without the profound and inherent significance associated with them.” I have no idea if this is a possibility or not with him, but there’s always the chance that he may also have some past issues with his family (or friends) that may be subconsciously or consciously contributing to his hesitation as well.

But I like to think that if he feels the same then he will get around to saying it. But I see why you’re concerned and disappointed because things didn’t happen according to plan, how its supposed to go, and you’re left wondering does he or doesn’t he. And I am too! Just say something, guy! Even if he just said “I hope you know I feel the same way, but it’s tough for me to say those words” I would feel much better. Back to you though. While it may be tough here to remove yourself from how you feel it has only been 6–7 months. And, because this isn’t a movie, that’s still pretty early for the iloveyou talk. That’s why I still stand by my above reaction that he will, just with more time. This is only further cemented by the fact that he’s still around being becked and called and acting ‘as if.’

You can push the issue, sure, but as you mention above that’s really not the kind of conversation/situation you want to be in when you hear those words you seek. I wouldn’t want you to hold back on how you truly feel, and I know this is easy for this here anonymous stranger to say, BUT if there is anyway to just hold off on bringing it up for another few months, all the while trying to put his apparent awesomeness at the forefront of your mind instead of resenting him for not saying those four little words, that’s about all you can do right now. There are ways to let him know n’ realize your love without saying it — as it seems he’s trying to do — but for right now that would be my recommendation. As opposed to breaking up with him. I don’t advise breaking up with him right now because it seems that you truly love him and love spending time with him so what’s another few months for you to find out in the clear-cut language of iloveyou that he feels the same. Plus, I love love.

So. I’ve got some anxiety.

Unfortunately, I have assne — you know, acne on the ass. It’s not terrible or anything, but come on, when is assne not? I’d have to say that it (combined with my moderate facial acne) is my biggest insecurity, since I’m otherwise pretty foxy. (For reference, my girlfriends say both asne and acne really aren’t that bad.)

I’m wondering if I should have a conversation with my man about it. We’ve been sleeping together for months, and I suspect he already knows about it, cuz we did it reverse cowgirl for the first time last week (lights on). He knows i’m really insecure about my facial acne, cuz I tell him, but i just feel like it is this awkward secret of mine. Especially since my boyfriend has an amazing body with a great dick and no acne anywhere. Maybe this is me just being paranoid and its really no big deal (and he already knows and doesn’t care)… but in the future, should a gal tell her partner about assne, or just let them find out? Should I be concerned about this? Are guys? We otherwise have great communication and I tell him all sorts of weird things he doesn’t really care to know about.

He’s seen it, he knows about it and neither he nor his great dick seem to care. Out of all the possible ugliest things on a girl’s naked body that doesn’t even compare to all the potential skin garbage going on with a dude’s naked body. (AMIRITE, LADIES??)

With the exception of STDs, yeast infections or pregnancies don’t tell us anything about your body ever. Let us find everything out on our own. ’Cause then you’ll see what we’re made of and you’ll get through those lame, weird, sophomoric boys who get grossed out by periods or hair or smells that are ALL NORMAL THINGS and find yourself a real man.

I would rather be with a girl with some assne who cowgirl-ed me than one who corrected my grammar, only dated DJs, cared too much about handbags, or didn’t let me have sex with her just because she had her period. Towels are multi-purpose, people!

I got my breasts done a year ago, and they are awesome. BUT I got them done while I was in a long term committed relationship and we just recently broke up. I haven’t been single in years and the idea of getting physical with new guys is all at once exhilarating and terrifying. I imagine guys have good enough boob radar to figure out they aren’t “all mine” and I don’t know that this really matters to most guys but my question/concern is… the few times I’ve had the chance to make out and get fondled recently I get super anxious when the guy starts to make a move to grab my boobs! I keep thinking I have to explain that they are augmented or tell them why I did it or make sure they like them okay. I’d like to assume if they are going for it they are cool but… I’ve never been a guy grabbing a girl’s hot new boobs before. Ah!

I’ve hung out with every kind and size of breast and naturally this includes one time I briefly dated a girl with fake ones. When we first met at some point in our conversation I asked myself if they were real or fake, but then I went back to talking to her and forgot about this. For purposes of journalistic disclosure, admittedly if I had to make a choice in the breast man / ass man dichotomy discussion I personally care more about a girl’s ass. BUT I don’t think my response to you here would be different if I were more of a breast man. Because as a smarter and far more crass man than I once said about this one-or-the-other conversation, “there no such thing as ass men or breast men, all men are simply pussy men.” Upon meeting someone and getting down with them nakedly those first few times there’s so much cool shit to do and play with and press your tongue against and sounds to hear that any guy who just focuses on ONE aspect of your body is doing himself (and all your other awesome parts) a grave disservice.

I never asked that girl why she got them because if she wanted to tell me she would have. I cared wayyy more about her being a crazy person who was cool with pooping with the door open as she yelled at me to grab her another beer than her implant impetus. With that said, if we had actually started dating seriously (Moms would have LOVED her) I would have hoped that she would have let me know the why. Maybe during that early couple conversation you have with your new girl/guy on a Saturday around 1130am when you’re in that post-coital haze, grinning as you finish catching your breath, and one of you asks the other one for some reason if they ever broke any bones or ever got any stitches. THAT one. I think it’s after the childhood pets convo.

I mean, if a girl I had met four hours earlier removed her bottom lip from my teeth, stood back and proceeded to explain to me the reasons why she got these awesome fake breasts currently in my hands? And if they had anything to do with an exboyfriend? Yeah, I’m cool if she waited until the fourth of fifth date.

Previously: Sexual Dominance, Virginity, and Do Vaginas Taste Like Pennies?

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?