My Sad Valentine’s Day Spent Listening to Versions of “I Will Always Love You” on YouTube

by Amanda Cormier

When it comes to karaoke, there’s no litmus test like “I Will Always Love You.” Lin Yu Chun made the blogs last year with his great cover, but that was mostly because his bowl cut was INSANE. “Can’t Sing Psycho Girl” also managed to make her “cover” go viral, although I hope she’s at some camp for post-meme stress disorder now.

And when it comes to Valentine’s Day, there’s nothing more pathetic and wonderful than listening to “I Will Always Love You” on repeat, so I decided to spend my Valentine’s Day listening to some of the deeper cuts from the 483 available “I Will Always Love You” covers on YouTube. I can’t totally remember why. But I am crying now.

1. “Monica Saldivar, age 14”

Is this a Bat Mitzvah? Her pink satin dress is nice. But there’s a stage and a piano, so it might be a talent show. (Ah, from the description, it’s at “Future Sounds Studios Spring Showcase.”)

During the sax interlude before the final chorus, she smiles. She has braces! People are clapping. Oh wait, she’s swaying back and forth, doing a step ball change thing. I wonder what Whitney did during this part of her performances?

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: She’s 14, so I’m not feeling the sadness. I just feel awkward about her tights.

2. “Tiffany Durant Stafford”

I’m distracted by this girl’s lip piercing. It’s between her lip and labret. What do they even call that?

She’s pretty good, though. Definitely hits the belt notes and doesn’t lose track of the little soft ones. She’s got too much spunk for this song. She’s wearing ripped leggings!

The final belt elicits a standing ovation, but it actually sucks, and I’m confused why people like this. It’s all over the place.

Sax Interlude Approach: Dances around the microphone with her hands.

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: Pretty sad.

3. “rickytic3”

This guy is for real. The caption: “A man from the past sings to you.” He’s wearing a top hat, cape, mustache, and white gloves, and when he starts singing, his voice is wiggly. Sort of Fozzie Bear/Willie Nelson.

It’s really stressful when singers purposefully speak-sing off rhythm, like how Joaquin Phoenix fibbed his singing talent in Walk the Line. I thought this guy was going for that vibe, but now it’s obvious that he just didn’t know the words and was reading them off a prompter/YouTube lyric video.

He points at me with his gloved finger during the last “you” oh my god he points at me again and then again oh god AGAIN shit now his finger’s quivering with emotion too much too much.

Sax interlude approach: Adjusts top hat.

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.

4. Nick Pitera (3.5 mil views!)

This guy has a pretty solid YouTube following. He’s also got a microphone and headphones, and looks serious about this endeavor.

And he’s probably the best soprano thus far. It’s runny, which is both a reference to the vocal technique and the diarrhea-like consistency of the melody here.

Sax interlude approach: FADE TO BLACK, with vocal runs that vaguely harmonize with the saxophone.

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: I’m more tired than anything.

5. Jessica Sanchez (age 12, nearly a million views!)

Solid. Girl’s 12, and she’s talented! One of the best.

Sax interlude approach: Adjusts hair, giggles, sways a little. Adorable.

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: Too cute to make me sad.

6. “lachanteuseu44”

So this girl is only visible in silhouette, singing to the accompaniment of another guy’s YouTube cover of “I Will Always Love You.” The screen showing the other cover is the only visible thing in the video. Probably the most meta of the available covers.

Sax interlude approach: Runs, incomprehensible muttering.

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: Confused?

7. “jidawil”

The Dolly Parton version SORT OF. No video, just the audio on top of a MySpace-style photo of the Jim (jidawil) in a racing jacket and a goatee.

Sax interlude approach: n/a but I picture him mouth-breathing

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: It’s actually much easier to get sad if all you’re doing is staring at a sepia-toned photo of someone.

8. “angersausten”

This is some freaky Sinead O’Connor, Gregorian chant, I’m-a-diva-I-raise-my-hand-to-the-side-ofmy-face-when-I-sing stuff.

Sax interlude approach: n/a, a cappella.

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: Crying a little but not because I’m sad.

9. “Dayde drunk singing i will always love u”

How has this not gone viral? A 45-second long Whitney Houston dub of a drunk teen singing the final belt. What a lovely surprise!

Sax interlude approach: n/a

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: Not sad anymore! Joy!

10. “sleepyjean12’s ukelele cover”

This is like the manifestation of what I would imagine if a sad-looking Eastern European … had a ukulele and sang me Whitney.

Sax interlude approach: n/a!

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: A little sad only because this reminds me of that scene in 50 First Dates where Adam Sandler serenades Drew Barrymore with his ukelele. Killer.

11. Dolly Parton original, from The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

Sweet, sweet, relief. This is it, folks. Short, but scratches all the right itches, wavers and breaks in all the right places. When she says “Goodbye, please don’t cry,” she sounds like she’s actually imploring him to do that, not just looking for an excuse for an impressive vocal trill.

Sax interlude approach: n/a BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T NEED A SAX INTERLUDE.

Lovelorn Sadness Meter: Off the charts.

Even the outro is perfect: “I know you’re going to get your dream, and I know you’re gonna do a real good job in the legislature.”

Amanda Cormier is a student at Columbia. She’s majoring in the Internet and minoring in The Greatest Love of All.