Marathon Sex, Lady Facial Hair, and Guy Friends’ Girlfriends

by A Dude

My boyfriend and I have been having sex pretty regularly for about four months. I guess on average we have sex 8–10 times a week. He never has trouble getting hard and is generally always ready to go when we do it (as I assume are most 21-year-old dudes). We recently spent 10-ish days together, though, having sex twice every day. By the end of it, he couldn’t stay hard or get off, despite seriously prolonged BJ action on my end. He chalked it up to the fact that he had come like 20 times in the past week, but I’m skeptical. Is that really a thing? A dude can come too many times in a week long period and just run out of steam? I get that too much sex within one day can deplete a guy’s sex drive, but I’ve never heard of a situation like this. Is it possible that he is just getting bored of me? I’m freaking out since the last guy I was with who couldn’t always get hard turned out to be gay.

WTF YES THAT IS REALLY A THING! If you’ve got a sex drive that olympian, how have you not rubbed up against the limits of a guy’s sexual endurance before? If he crams 20 orgasms into a week and his BALLS DON’T FALL OFF, I think you’ve got a keeper (or possibly secret twins). I mean, everybody loves sex marathons, but you have to allow your BF’s sperm factories some days off to recuperate after they log a bunch of overtime. Dudes vary, but in general I’d say top out at an average of 1.5 orgasms a day if you want him to keep going indefinitely. Alternatively, a three-day weekend is about the perfect interval for a non-stop sex party, allowing him a breather afterward.

As for bored of you? Definitely. You know how dudes get bored with nonstop sex.

Dude, I have had this sinking feeling for a while (all of my adult life) and it’s been somewhat affirmed by a guy friend and I just want to run it by you. Do guys find assertive, independent, confident, outspoken, and perhaps intimidating women to be “Not Girlfriend Material”? It seems to me like the quiet, tame, passive chicks are way more “Girlfriend Material.” I know, I know, it’s not the 1950s, there are lots of different guys with different tastes, exceptions to rules, but I want to know if this is a real phenomenon and am curious as to your thoughts on this.

You’ve mostly answered your own question here. Different guys, different tastes! There are definitely some guys — and particularly some social strata of guys — who haven’t evolved to cope with tough women, and if you’re trying to unearth potential boyfriends from that group, your dating life is headed for … an … extinction event? Have I used enough paleontology imagery to get my opinion of these dudes across? (Maybe I should have said “[carbon] dating life.” Hmm…)

But there are lots of other guys and groups of guys who love nothing more than tough ladies. Ask a dude you respect which was sexier: badass mysterious condescending ninja Trinity from Matrix 1, or simpering, rescuable, “I don’t want you to make out with this other lady but I guess it’s your call” Trinity from the sequels? Personally, my favorite thing about relationships is being pushed outside of my comfort zone to try new things and think about the world differently (cliche but true!), so women who don’t challenge me are just not as interesting.

However — and I have to say this carefully because it’s historically a line of rhetoric used to undermine strong women — there is a difference between being a badass and just being mean. I can’t make this call because I haven’t met you, but I have known women who were tough and intimidating and also attractive and awesome, and I have known women who confused standing up for themselves with being awful to people who didn’t really deserve it. (No different from men, really.) If you’re intimidating men because you’re intelligent and well-informed and witty and willing to challenge them, that’s sexy! Don’t worry about it! If you’re intimidating men because they’re scared you’re going to lash out at them any time they disagree with you, you should maybe tone it down a little and rely more on persuasive debate than incendiary attacks.

I should mention that I only bring up the issue of mean vs. tough because it’s the only thing I can think of that a friend might try to soften as “you’re too assertive to be girlfriend material.” It’s likely that none of that applies to you, and you’re just looking among the wrong men.

Many ladies would rather die than ever discuss this topic publicly, especially with a dude, but here goes: I have some facial hair. It’s not a beard. But it’s a fairly noticeable crop of black, wiry hairs (maybe like 20?? I’ve never counted because the reality is too terrifying) sprouting from various spots on my chin/neck area. It sucks, I realize it’s gross, and I do my best to take care of it. It requires more than daily maintenance — if I were to get every single hair every time it pokes its way to the surface to torment me, I’d have to tweeze probably three times a day (or more?). I don’t mind doing this if it keeps me hair free, but sometimes — for whatever reason — I can’t get to it. Or maybe I don’t notice one rogue hair and it gets really long before I see it. Pretty much the only permanent solution would be to zap it with a laser, which I’d love to do, but it’s pricey. In any sort of date scenario, I mostly don’t worry about it — dim lighting, etc. But I have a live-in boyfriend, and I’m certain that eventually he’ll notice. In fact, it’s more likely that he has noticed and just politely doesn’t discuss it. But I guess my question is, is this horrifying to you, as a dude? And the second part of my question is, does your level of “give a shit” merit the extent to which women are freaking out about this? Because whenever I read about this topic on other non-Hairpin blogs, the consensus from a lot of women is PLEASE GOD HELP ME, I AM A MONSTER. I try to mostly keep that feeling at bay by reminding myself that it’s a bodily function, natural, can’t help it, blah blah blah. Still, sometimes I feel that way too.

YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. I think it’s pretty well established that everyone is terrified of their own body hair. Why don’t they sell foam padding for that?

Can I just say, as someone with rather healthy facial hair, that re: three times daily, I don’t believe you. I don’t think you’re lying to me — I’m sure you believe what you’re saying! — but madam, hair just does not grow that fast. That goes double if you’re tweezing. (I know about tweezing! There are restless natives in my inter-eyebrow region!) The absolute maximum I’ll believe is necessary is once in the morning and again at the end of the work day; you cannot possibly grow a noticeable hair in less time than that.

As for your boyfriend: it doesn’t matter if he knows you have a few stray hairs you keep in check. You’re keeping them in check! By the time he moves in with you, he’s presumably ready to see what’s behind the curtain of the Flawless Lady he fell in love with. That’s what cohabitation is all about! And think about the stuff you’ve learned about him living together; I can’t imagine that it isn’t orders of magnitude grosser.

Bottom line: if you let these hairs grow out to the point where they’re scratching all over him every time you kiss (which takes way longer than the timeframe you’re talking about), he’s going to momentarily think he’s making out with the lead singer of Smash Mouth and be UNDERSTANDABLY HORRIFIED. If you keep to a regular tweezing regimen, on the other hand, that’s not some kind of dirty secret you have to hide. It’s no weirder than taking showers so he doesn’t have to make out with Pig-Pen. He’ll appreciate the effort!

So I’ve got this guy who I considered to be my best friend until recently. We’ve been friends for nearly eight years, through our teens to our mid-twenties now, and we’ve always been on the same wavelength. Some of his ex-girlfriends are best friends of mine, one of them said that he was in love with me for a while but he never said anything to me (probably because he knew that I didn’t feel the same). I’ve been single for most of our friendship (I used to go out with his friend) and there was a year or so where he was too and we were very close at that point, we would always discuss the big things in our lives with each other. But this single patch ended when he got together with a girl that I can’t stand (and neither can our mutual friends). As well as the fact that she’s not intelligent or funny (unlike my friend) and seems to have no personality (she does have a good body but is not amazingly hot), she was also very hostile and jealous towards us and would often cause a scene on nights out so he had to leave, to the point where we had to say something to him about it.

Also, he doesn’t seem to care about our friendship any more. We don’t talk about our personal problems and I never see him alone really. Plus he just seems distant and a shadow of how awesome he used to be as a person. I feel upset that he got this girlfriend and our friendship is no longer important — I feel a bit used. Was he just friends with me for 8 years in case I decided to get with him? Also I don’t know how can be so blind to the fact that we all hate his girlfriend and she has no redeeming qualities, and not care. Can you give me any insight?

I can! I was in a very similar situation to this recently, where a fantastic lady friend of mine got with a dude who had no interest in hanging out with her friends and, in fact, vaguely creeped all of us out. She spent a ton of time with him, and let her friendships lapse (especially with dudes, yaaaaay jealous SOs!). After a few months, realizing that this behavior was going to last past the honeymoon period, I started getting really pissed off about it. That’s a crummy way to treat your friends!

Then, long story short, dude turned out to be a jerk. Waaaaaay worse than any of us had imagined, in fact. She dumped him and went back to being a great friend. She apologized for ignoring her friendships while she was with the guy, and it’s hard to blame her: people do stupid things for love.

So first, no, I find it extremely unlikely that a dude feigned an eight-year friendship on the off chance that it would get him laid. Even the most sex-fixated cockmonster caricature of men doesn’t accuse us of being patient. You were never being used — he’s just doing a stupid thing for love.

My advice is to remain friendly to him even while he’s aware that you’re not incredibly fond of his girlfriend. Mutter angrily to your mutual friends all you want, but don’t make him feel unwelcome among you. In fact, let him know you wish you could see him more! Eventually I think he’ll realize how awful this lady is, if she’s as bad as you say, and need a supportive friend to turn to. I think that the more mature you get about dating, the more you learn that it’s important to maintain friendships outside of your relationships; it sounds like he isn’t quite there yet.

Do you mind that I wear the t-shirt you lent me to sleep in home the next morning and don’t give it back? Like it’s only a hanes v-neck, but it’s super soft and comfortable and I bet you want it, but I like wearing it sooo much, are there warning bells if a girl starts stealing your clothes?

Seeing you in my clothes that you stole after our night together is the hottest thing imaginable. Notice how I grin when I tease you about stealing it back? Consider it a thank-you gift.

Unless it’s one of my band shirts, in which case GIVE IT BACK GIVE IT BACK GIVE IT GIVE IT

Previously: Threesomes, Intimate Compliments, and Whether “I Look Like an Idiot.”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?