Harlequin to Patent Human Kissing

By Edith Zimmerman February 3, 2011

Where to begin. The above picture is a “kiss” I created on romance-novel-publisher Harlequin’s “interactive kiss creation tool,” which is part of their effort to patent the “Essential Romantic Kiss.” I know. I mean, I don’t know.

“The kiss is the cornerstone of romance, the turning point of every good story. It can change lives, start a rumor or break hearts. And with more than 60 years of publishing women’s fiction, no one knows the kiss like Harlequin,” said Michelle Renaud, Chief Kissing Officer of the Harlequin Office for the Preservation of the Kiss (HOPK). “It’s time to stop thinking of the kiss as a mundane, everyday form of affection. This patent application celebrates the kiss and brings romance back to kissing.”

I’d like to take the rest of the day off to make more kissing people, especially because you can swing their arms around like pinwheels. There’s also a useful but disappointingly silent video demonstration of this kiss creation tool:

Unfortunately, and because I am an idiot, I forgot to put accessories on my kissing people, but let that be a lesson to you. Also, if you make your kissing people try to touch each other’s private parts it won’t let you, even if you keep trying for a really long time.

The whole HOPK initiative (again, that’s Harlequin Operation for the Preservation of the Kiss) also comes with a set of kiss-related facts, including

Only one out of ten Americans would stop a relationship in its tracks when confronted with a partner who has lackluster kissing skills.

Seriously? That’s not very many. Oh, you can also follow them on Twitter, where they’re currently challenging people to “re-create Justin Bieber’s first kiss.”

(Thanks to Cathy for the tip!)