Cheating, Pregnancy Terror, and the Pot Belly

by A Dude

Lately I’ve been dating this guy who might be my soul mate or something — clearly the only possible explanation for how he managed to ninja me into a relationship — and somehow, all is well in monogamy-land. Except for this: he has a great dick, which inspires in me an overpowering desire to give great and glowing oral sex; and he does not like getting oral sex. Who the hell man does not like getting oral sex? (He has no qualms about giving it! And perplexingly, his body clearly likes it enough.) What does this mean? Can I do anything about it? No, there’s no scary-teeth! I’ve been careful not to pressure him about it, or to pry too much (it seems related to some hang-up an ex had about submissive gender roles — I backed off pretty speedily after that). In trying to be circumspect, I’m afraid to broach the topic more than the once or twice that it’s already come up. I feel confused and denied, which are the kinds of feelings that make me want to stray. I’m very pretty and rather flirtatious; the temptations are myriad and easy. Dude, please help! I don’t want to tank this relationship when there’s so much that’s wonderful about it. But must I really resign myself to foregoing one of the great pleasures of meaningful intimacy?

Well here’s an occasion when I wish I had the opportunity to ask a follow-up question. If I could, it would be this: When you say your man doesn’t like oral sex, do you mean that he doesn’t like it when it’s performed on him all the way to orgasm, or does he not like it all? Because some men, myself included, love oral sex, but receiving it makes us just want to fuck more than anything. It’s usually right about the moment we can almost feel the girl is going to suck our balls out though our dick and we’ll be like, “OK, that’s a lovely appetizer, but now it’s time to feast on the main course.” And that’s what getting a blowjob is like for some of us — an appetizer.

On the other hand, there are men who just enjoy laying back and doing nothing but having their ladies suck them drier than the Santa Ana winds. And as long as they reciprocate by doing something to get their partner off, I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that. But personally, the only time I enjoy that sort of thing is when the vagina is completely off limits. But perhaps I’m the exception rather than the rule?

As for a guy who doesn’t enjoy blowjobs, I don’t think those exist, frankly, so my first inclination is to question your technique. If you need a tutorial, a friend emailed me a link to a porn clip recently with a subject line that read, “I would crawl across broken glass to have this girl suck my dick.” I watched it, and I have to say, he may be onto something. And yeah, it’s totally NSFW. Then again, you, a nice lady who appears passionately eager to suck a cock perfectly with the same breezy ease that Martha Stewart makes a doily, may have just run across the one guy who doesn’t like getting head, which saddens me in an impossible number of ways.

Oh, and one last thing — don’t forget the balls, ladies. Don’t. Forget. The. Balls. And don’t be afraid to run your fingers softly along your dude’s taint as you gently cup his balls in your loving hands while sucking his cock. You can thank me later.

Hello dude, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for three years, and I can’t imagine a more wonderful person to be with. We love each other, treat each other well, and were having great sex until I had a missed period a couple months ago. Neither of us wants kids right now (I’m 25, he’s 34), and we’ve agreed to wait for a few years to decide if we ever do. But this pregnancy scare has really freaked out my boyfriend, and now he insists on using a condom every time, even though I’m on the pill. I know using a backup method is smart, but this feels like too much for me. We haven’t used condoms since we started dating, and I take the pill like clockwork. I already have some sexual difficulty because of the pill (i.e., dryness, ew), and adding condoms to the mix has made it more difficult to initiate sex and for me to have an orgasm. I want to take care of my boyfriend and respect any anxiety he has, but we recently talked about this and he’s hoping to use condoms indefinitely … pretty much until we decide to have kids or not. We don’t want to make that decision now, and I really don’t want our sex life to change this much. But it seems like it will need to … any ideas? This has been really stressful for both of us.

Oh man, this is just all kinds of fucked up, but something just about anyone who’s ever been in a relationship can completely relate to. As a dude who’s had to encase his throbbing member member in latex so many times over the course if his life and wished he didn’t have to each and every fucking time, I have to say that it appears your guy REALLY doesn’t want to become a father at this stage of his life. And, seeing as you’re both of the same mindset at this moment in time, you really have to admire his determination to do his part to avoid the conception of any unwanted brats. With all of that said, I think he may be going to extremes just a wee bit.

There are other birth control methods you can incorporate into your sexual routine to ward off an unwanted pregnancy. There are, after all, only a handful of days each month in which a woman can become pregnant, if for some reason your ovaries decided to ignore the pill and still release an egg. So maybe if you kept close track of your cycle and only used condoms during that time — would that be a reasonable compromise? You could display it on a calender out in the open somewhere where he can see it, so that he sees you’re being diligent about it — this may offer him some peace of mind, because frankly I’m not sure that he’s willing to trust completely that you’re taking the pill when you’re supposed to be taking it. Also, pulling out is an absolute. Always. Any man who’s had more than a handful of orgasms, which is virtually any male who’s beyond the early stages of puberty, knows when he’s about to cum. It builds like a snowball rolling down a hill, and he knows when it’s starting, so he should pull out long before he even comes close to the point of no return, just to avoid any rogue pre-pullout squirtage, and coax his baby-batter out with his hand or some other part of your anatomy.

Finally, I know it’s a touchy subject for many people, and I obviously don’t know how the two of you feel about it, but the morning-after pill and abortion are there as an absolute last resort if all else somehow fails. Have the two of you discussed your willingness to go to these lengths to terminate an unwanted pregnancy? If not, it may be time to have that conversation. Just saying.

I’m still curious about whether men have a preference for labia-free vaginas because most men see roughly 2,000 vaginas in porn before they ever see one in real life. (I’m actually lame and don’t watch porn — I’m assuming that porn vaginas are labia-free because I’ve seen it implied that this is the case.) But that question’s not really about sex or relationships anymore, and who knows if just one dude could answer it.

Wait, there’s such a thing as a “labia-free vagina”? I thought every pussy had lips of some fashion — yes, some are more pronounced than others, but I know not of this labia-free phenom of which you speak. And I have consumed a healthy amount of porn in my day.

Now, I have heard of some girls getting labia reduction surgery, or “labiaplasty,” to reduce the size of their vagina lips, and I once dated a girl who admitted to me that she was self-conscious about the size of her labia and had considered having the surgery, and that broke my heart in billion different ways. You see, her labia were, based on my own experiences with vaginas, a little bigger than average, but they were far from freakish. But she, like you apparently, had become convinced that she was overly endowed down below from looking at other pussies on the internet.

There’s been one lover I’ve had in my life whose labia were what I’d categorize as freakishly large (like, I felt like a middle school kid trying to fight through the curtains to make an entrance in the school play when I went down on her for the first time), and to her credit, she fucking owned it. She knew what she had down there was a blessing much more than it was a curse, and she knew exactly how to work it. It’s been four or five years since I’ve been with her and I can still remember, vividly, how’d she position herself on top of me on the balls of her feet and slowly swallow my dick from top to bottom, over and over and over again. I remember how I could see the silhouette of her considerable lips clinging to me like a suction device. It felt AMAZING, and always made me cum, and she knew it and loved the sense of power she held over me because of it. For some time I’ve prided myself on the ability to cum when I want to and not a second too soon, but I was completely powerless against her when she did this, and she knew it. That was fucking hot! Unfortunately for me, she reunited with an ex and moved to Europe with him. But I still masturbate to that girl. Often. And though I’ve never told her, I’m pretty sure that she knows that I do, and she loves it.

So ladies, this really should go without saying, but you all evidently need reminding of this often in modern culture — don’t surgically “enhance” yourself to be more attractive to dudes. The type of dudes your “perfection” will attract are more often than not the kind of dudes you do not want to be in a relationship with. If you have small tits, be a small-titted girl. Own it. Many men, yours truly included, love small tits. Be who you are, dammit! Ultimately, few things are sexier than a self-confident woman who embraces who she is.

I’m 26-year-old eternal singleton. Don’t get me wrong, I “hang out” with dudes … a lot, but rarely get beyond the just “hanging out” stage. This didn’t used to bother me when I was hanging out with guys who I soon realized I wasn’t that into anyway, but over the past couple of years I’ve had multiple potential love-interests that I thought could really go somewhere only fizzle into nothingness after a couple of amazing weeks/months. And before you ask, I don’t have a problem ATTRACTING the dudes, without trying to sound like an asshole I’m an attractive, smart, funny girl…perhaps with a bit of a smart-mouth but that can’t be THAT off-putting right? My girlfriends say I’m a bit TOO awesome which can intimidate dudes, but which I refuse to accept because a) I’m not, and b) that’s a pretty bitch move for ALL of those dudes to pull. What gives?

There are so many factors that could be contributing to this “problem” that I have no idea where to begin. In fact, it’s almost impossible to provide informed answers to your dilemma without knowing a bit more about you (where you live, how old the dudes you’re dating are, etc.), but have you looked inward to identify potential clues to love this vexing romantic riddle? Could it be, well, YOU? Maybe, you’re just picky? Mind you, I’m a huge advocate of being picky and happen to believe that the reason so many American marriages fail is because in most of the country the societal pressure to get married is overwhelming, particularly among young women once they reach their mid-twenties, and they stop being picky.

Bottom line: stop fretting that you’re not in a relationship. You’re only 26 for the love of God. Man, relish being a single “attractive, smart, funny girl” right now, because the world can truly be your oyster at this point in life. You’re not burdened with responsibilities and you’ve been blessed with a backstage pass to life in the form of your looks and personality. So be patient. Be picky. And DON’T FUCKING SETTLE! It’s better to be alone and happy than with someone and miserable. Trust me, I know.

I’m pear-shaped, with small tits and a really pretty face (sorry, can’t be fucked beating ‘round the bush with modesty!) but I have a flabby stomach. When I’m lying on my side it kinda hangs out sags-style. I basically want to know — considering all my other physical features — whether this (the flabby stomach) is something that would register on a guy’s radar, whether a flat, taut stomach is something guy’s secretly love and find sexy or whether they don’t mind if a girl looks like she’s two months pregnant with Jell-O as long as she can give good head.

I’m gonna refer back to some of what I said in my answer to the question about labia-free vaginas above, by reiterating what I said at the end: be who you are! Some dude like girls with a little more meat on their bones, as they say, with pretty face and small tits. Imagine that! And while I’m not advocating letting yourself go completely, because, let’s face it, you’re lowering your pool of potential mates AND compromising your health by doing so, there is something quite sexy about a pot belly on a woman. They’re fun to softly kiss all over, and to hold when you’re laying around together. Remember the scene from Pulp Fiction with Bruce Willis and his Russian (?) girlfriend just before he goes back to his apartment to look for his watch?

Fabienne: I wish I had a pot.
Butch: You were lookin’ in the mirror and you wish you had some pot?
Fabienne: A pot. A pot belly. Pot bellies are sexy.
Butch: Well you should be happy, ’cause you do.
Fabienne: Shut up, Fatso! I don’t have a pot! I have a bit of a tummy, like Madonna when she did “Lucky Star,” it’s not the same thing.
Butch: I didn’t realize there was a difference between a tummy and a pot belly.
Fabienne: The difference is huge.
Butch: You want me to have a pot?
Fabienne: No. Pot bellies make a man look either oafish, or like a gorilla. But on a woman, a pot belly is very sexy. The rest of you is normal. Normal face, normal legs, normal hips, normal ass, but with a big, perfectly round pot belly. If I had one, I’d wear a tee-shirt two sizes too small to accentuate it.

I hope Fabienne got the pot belly she wanted, and that she fucking owned it when she did.

So I have this awesome man-friend I met a couple of years ago. We met at university and he and I were awesome study partners. When we met we both had partners and we both have partners now (in fact, we both are recently engaged to our partners). Problem is, we click and have a crazy attraction to one another. Neither of us has ever acted on it (we both love our partners and have self-control) but sometimes when we’re together the tension is INSANE. It’s not just a lusty sex thing. I really like this guy, I really respect his partner and I love my partner but I can’t stop thinking about him and he is moving away in a couple of weeks and it’s kind of tearing me up. I don’t want to act on it and break anyone’s heart but somehow I want to let him know how much he means to me. Am I being ridiculous? What do I do? If I tell him, there is a chance I could seriously hurt his girl, right? So many questions but this is my last one — how do I get over this if the answer is ‘do nothing.’

Oh man, this — again! — is just all kinds of fucked up and heartbreaking, but it’s a common life occurrence, which, in case you haven’t heard, is messy. I’m afraid that whatever advice I give here is going to offend someone, so rather than do that, I’ll tell you what I’d likely do if I found myself in the same scenario — I’d talk to the forbidden love interest about everything I’d been feeling. Now, I’m not saying that I’d do it to try to convince that person to ditch their partner to run away with me, but I know that if I didn’t get everything off my chest I’ll always be haunted by feelings of “what if,” and there’s arguably nothing worse than than that.

No, given that I was reasonably certain that the other person was feeling the same things that I was, I’d approach that person and have an adult conversation with them, likely fueled by copious amounts of alcohol for courage purposes, but hey, whatever does the trick, right?

“I have something to tell you that I can’t keep inside any longer … I’m mad about you … do you feel the same way about me and, if so, what should we do about it?”

If I were in your shoes I’d tell her how I admire the fact that she’s read so many of the books I’ve been meaning to read, I’d tell her how I love the way she can interject an informed opinion into a conversation without offending anyone, I’d tell her how her the scope of her vocabulary at times makes me seethe with envy, I’d tell her how irrationally proud I was when she retweeted that dumb joke I made on Twitter, I’d tell her that I adore the unusual way in which she takes her tea, I’d tell her how I can actually feel my loins moving when I get a glimpse of her ass when she’s wearing leggings, I’d tell her how days when I know I’ll see her smile later in the day are the longest days in the history of the world, I’d tell her how her acceptance of constructive criticism is one of the sexiest things I’ve ever experienced, I’d tell her how I often have to fight the urge to buy her little things I run across because I know that she’d love them, I’d tell her how I make sure to pop a piece of gum into my mouth just before I’m about to see her, I’d tell her how my posture alters involuntarily when she simply enters the same room, I’d tell her how I’d like to spend a cold night together on the sofa with tube of chocolate chip cookie dough scrolling through the pay-per-view movie options and debating which one to watch, and I’d tell her that I love her so hard that it literally hurts me inside at times.

I know this is a lot harder than it sounds, but I think you’ll be doing a favor to each other, and your respective partners, by having this conversation. It’s just not fair for a person to invest their heart into someone whose heart isn’t equally invested in them because it’s invested in someone else. Let them each go to find someone else who truly loves them, if that’s what it comes to, and you’ll be doing the same for yourself in the process.

Just please, whatever you do, if you and the secret love affair eventually leave your current partners and settle down, do everyone a favor and handle it with a little more tact than these people did in a similar situation. Love and attraction is weird and mysterious, and can knock you on your ass when you have no clue it’s coming to knock you down, but you can at least try to fall gracefully and avoid making a dirty mess of the whole thing when you do.

Previously: Marathon Sex, Lady Facial Hair, and Guy Friends’ Girlfriends.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?