Bacne, Oral Sex, and the “Intellectually Vacant”

by A Lady

So I don’t know how else to say this, so I’ll just say it: I think I’m a lady that doesn’t like to receive oral sex. I haven’t had many partners (just an ex and my current long-term BF), so I don’t know if I actually don’t like it or if my BF is just doing it wrong. I feel confused, though, because I’ve reached orgasm with him in lots of other different ways including vaginal sex (on top, bottom, sitting, standing, doggy style), through the use of a vibrator, and touching myself. I feel like I’m finally at a point where I kind of know not only how to hit the right spot to orgasm, but how to direct him there as well. That’s why I just don’t understand the whole oral sex thing.

I try guiding him to the places that usually work, but I just don’t feel anything. It doesn’t feel bad, but all I can really feel is the wetness of his tongue and I just… don’t like it. The way other girls talk about cunnilingus as like the special women’s holy grail of sex makes me feel like I’m missing out. Is it possible my boyfriend is using too much tongue or doing something wrong? He wants so badly to be able to please me this way that I almost feel like I’m letting him down by being unable to come. My boyfriend and I are really open and communicative when it comes to sex, but when it comes to this I just don’t know what to say. Is there something I should have him try down there before I give up on it? Am I just weird? Are there other ladies out there that don’t like this either? What’s the deal?

I was once like you, my friend. I told guys I was hooking up with DON’T EVEN BOTHER. Then I met a dude who 1) made me feel very comfortable and relaxed about it, and 2) had some kind of magic tongue. Fellow Lady, can I tell you that the first time I came from oral sex, it was like fireworks exploding and a marching band playing and cartoon birds flying around my vagina? What I’m trying to say is: the pursuit of oral pleasures is worth it. THAT BEING SAID, I totally understand your conundrum. For me, oral orgasm can be such a head game. I have to be completely relaxed and focused in order to properly come. Since you are with a longtime boyfriend who you have orgasmed with, I’m sure you are relaxed and comfortable with him as a partner, but you might want to start working on getting your head (ahem) into the game. Just meditate on your clit and the sensations you feel. It’s not easy, but for me, that’s usually the key. Focus. Concentration. Relaxation. And think sexy thoughts.

The other key is the right kind of stimulation. It sounds like your boyf doesn’t know what he’s doing in order to get you off, and that you’re finding it difficult to direct him. That’s okay. What does he think about it? Is he enthusiastic (the key to any and all oral sex) and does he enjoy it or has he had much practice? Regardless of all that (though it is relevant), let’s get down to brass tacks. What kind of motions is he making with his tongue? Long lick, flick, just mushing it around? When I asked to know the technique of the Oral Master Who Made Cartoon Birds Fly Around My Vagina, he said “I flick it with my tongue like an earlobe.” Whatever the hell that means, but it was magic. A Dude the other day said something about oral being sideways making out while trying to get a Skittle out of the corner of her mouth. There’s also the Alphabet technique where the oral pleasurer traces the letters of the alphabet on your clit. I think what it comes down to is the frequency applied to the right spot. I had a recent bedfellow who expressed his excitement for the downtown makeout, but all he did was mush his mouth on there and cram as many fingers as he could inside. I swear I could have fallen asleep with this technique. He wasn’t moving anything! I think your dude (and my dude) needs to pull his face back a tad and stick his tongue out more and stimulate your clit faster with shorter, rapid strokes. And give him some verbal feedback: moans, “don’t stop,” “right there,” etc. are not only sexy but instructive!

So I think what it comes down to is experimentation and communication. Have your guy try the alphabet thing and when he hits the right spot, tell him! There are worse things to do than an afternoon of cunnilingus experiments with your boyfriend. And here’s the other thing: Don’t put too much pressure on yourself about it. If you’re lying there stressing about how non-mind blowing it is, that’s a waste of sexytime that could have been spent much more productively. If you don’t like it, fine, there are other things to do in bed that are just as, if not more, fun. My advice to you is: if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, but also there are other really fun sex things to do.

How do I get rid of my sudden WTF adult onset case of full-blown motherfucking BACNE? Why has this happened to me? I have a very good diet. I take care of myself. I didn’t even have this shit as a teenager.

You need a good scrubbing! My ex started getting some bacne and then his mom bought him a loofah and it went away. So yeah, grab one of those back scrubber dealies, like a brush or a loofah on a stick and get to exfoliating. It’s probably because the back is hard to reach and dead skin cells stick around and clog pores and mingle with bacteria and then get inflamed and cause pimples. There are medicated body washes to try, so look for one with salicylic acid, which’ll help clear it up. I swear by my St. Ives medicated apricot scrub. Who cares if it’s for your face, I use that isht everywhere. Grab some of that at the drug store and scrub your back in a hot shower. (Put it on your loofah on a stick or get a shower partner to do it for you.) Plus, those scrub brushes feel soooo fucking divinely amazing. Just don’t let it get all gross and moldy and mildewy. Ick. If it gets like that, throw it away and start new. Good diet helps, too, as does drinking lots of water and sweating from exercise. If it’s really bad or doesn’t clear up in a few weeks with regular scrubbing, you might want to see a dermatologist!

I am a 22-year-old male. I am also a virgin. I gather that this is somewhat on the far side of the bell curve. When the day comes (hopefully in the near future) that I do end up making the sex with a lady, is this something I ought to mention? I ask because it seems reasonable for this hypothetical lady to expect that I’m going to know what the hell I’m doing, and I obviously won’t at all. On a related note, is the fact that I’m still a virgin at this late date going to be a turn-off, because “maybe all those other women he was not having sex with knew something that I don’t?”

First of all, I’m confident you will know what you’re doing, at least on a basic level. The penis is like a divining rod, it will guide you in the ways of sex. And I think the answer to all sex and love dilemmas is confidence — if you’re a confident person (even if you fake it here and there), people will be drawn to that. Own your virginity, but you don’t have to broadcast it. If you’re like “I’m a virgin, so fucking what?” there will surely be some Lady who wants to teach you the ways of the world. Who gets off on it, even. Just promise to be teachable, to be kind, and to treat her right. Don’t get all clingy, though — that’s the kiss of death!

I’m sure it’s possible that you can have some drunken sex with a woman where you won’t have to tell her you’re a virgin, but the ideal situation would be to do it with someone you trust and who you can learn from and with. Basically I’m just reciting the climax (heh) of The 40 Year Old Virgin, but that’s a really good movie with some great life lessons, OK?! Also, are you good at other things? I really think so much in the sexual realm comes down to slowly getting to know someone and their body and working up to sex. Find an awesome lady and make out/dry hump with her enough times that you feel comfortable and confident telling her and experimenting and working it out. Everyone’s so caught up in S-E-X, and sometimes it’s just great to do other sexy things that are just as fun. Take the pressure off the OMG INTERCOURSE and you’ll be fine.

Is it OK that I like Sade? This new album is baller-status! You’re beautiful, thank you.

Yes, you goon, and thank you for the compliment.

I’m 26. I’ve been dating this chick for a year. She’s not “the one” but other than being emotionally unstable and somewhat intellectually vacant, she’s a pretty cool lady and I enjoy spending time with her and sleeping with her. I know the relationship is going nowhere, but she keeps talking about us moving in together or us being together for a long, long time. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I straight up tell her “Let’s not overthink things. Let’s just have fun.” She has committed some dumpable offenses in the past, but I forgave her for those because I didn’t want to deal with the emotional fall out. I have grown really close with her family; her mom loves me, her brother and sister ask me to hang out even when she’s not around, etc. She hasn’t really done anything that would merit a break up. I am not a cheater, nor do I want to be, but I am interested in other ladies and I do flirt when she’s not around. I don’t want to hurt her and lose all these relationships. Am I a dick for hanging on and sticking around? What’s the best way to call it quits but remain friends (is that even possible)?

Short answer to your first question: Yes.

Now it’s time for some tough love. Buckle up.

DAAA-HUUUDDEE. Please read your question back. Now imagine your girlfriend reading this. If I were her, I’d slap you so hard across the face [Ed. note — but no one should ever hit anyone!] and then dump you. On Valentine’s Day. Let’s see what you say about your lady friend: “emotionally unstable,” “intellectually vacant,” “pretty cool,” “like sleeping with her,” “dumpable offenses,” “emotional fall out,” “close with her family.” It sounds like you don’t even like her! And also, forgiving dumpable offenses because you fear emotional fall out? That’s spelled C-O-W-A-R-D.

I do think it’s possible for people to enjoy spending time in a relationship with someone who isn’t The One (or, at least, A One), but I think both people have to be on the same expectations page (or pretty fucking close) for it to work, and it’s clear that you two are not — she wants this to progress to the next level, and you’re interested in flirting with other ladies. I think the right thing to do is to end this relationship. Not necessarily tomorrow, but if you freely admit it’s going nowhere and are just sticking around for the sex and companionship, how fair is that to her? Would you want to be with someone who felt that way about you? Probably not. You should be out there finding a lady who inspires you to want to have the kind of relationship where you are excited about the future. AND, you should be letting your current girlfriend find a guy who feels that way about her.

It’s not easy breaking up, or being alone or going on first dates, but it’s the adult thing to do. It takes a bigger set of balls to admit things aren’t working and let two people go their separate ways than to stay in a dead-end relationship. And as for the family relationships, those may be casualties in the process, and that’s going to be OK. The best way to break things off? I’d say with honesty, but choose your words wisely. Admit that you don’t think the two of you have the same expectations for the relationship and it would be better to go your separate ways and find your own best partners. As for the staying friends thing? Kiss that pipe dream goodbye. She’s gonna hate your guts for awhile, understandably. You’ll be dumping her because you don’t see a future with her, and that’s a blow to the female ego. Especially an “emotionally unstable” one. So give her a wide berth. Don’t call her up for ex sex, ’cause that’s just lame, and don’t try to hang out as friends for at least six months (or never). It’s not easy, but, as my mom says, time heals all wounds. Man up.

Previously: Boring Sex Routines, Coworker Jealousy, and “Le Baby Rat.”

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo via Flickr