The World Is Already Ending

[W]hen employees have a long time off work, many of them relax their sleeping patterns, treating themselves to lie-ins and going to bed later than normal as they don’t have to be up at the crack of dawn the next day.

But when faced with going back to work after nearly two weeks with a different sleep/wake cycle, returning to a routine of waking up in the dark can throw the body clock out of sync.

If you’re tired today, tell your boss you have “social jet lag.” Or just tell him/her you’ve been up all night crying about the birds in Arkansas. And also the fish. Because you have been. Because what is going on?!

Then just leave work, and walk outside. Find a car and get inside it. If it’s not your car, that’s fine, just break a window and get in. Lie down in the back seat, drape a blanket over your head (or a jacket), and then try to fall asleep for the rest of your life. That way when the aliens who killed the birds come, they’ll be like, “Why did the people all get into cars at the end?” And honestly I’m not sure, but at the very least it’ll give them something to wonder about for the rest of their reign. “Why did the humans get into their cars right before we came? Were they more interesting than we thought?” They’ll assign that to the children aliens as a fun, creative rhetorical question to think about. (“They were sleepy?” “They loved cars?” “They wished they were cars?” They’ll say this as they pass our bones thoughtfully around the classroom.)

Shit, though, because the aliens can probably also just read our blogs after we die and be like, “Oh, there was no reason, they were just idiots until the very end who got into their cars arbitrarily.” OK so encrypt your blogs! Encrypt your blogs against the aliens right before you go out to your car. (Although maybe they’re reading right now (!?), in which case smile and act like nothing unusual’s happening. “Dum de dum, I’m just going to send this link to my friend,” etc.) (But seriously, what is going on with the birds? Oh, fireworks gave them heart attacks? Whatever, you should probably go out to a car anyway.)