The Best Thing I Said in My Sleep
by The Hairpin
I woke up in bed with a man friend who told me that in the middle of the night I said, “I’m into porn. I can add it to your website or calendar.” — Katie Walsh
When I was 10-ish I stumbled into the living room where my parents were, I dunno, watching Arsenio. I was bleary-eyed but appeared awake.
“Hon, it’s late. Do you want a glass of water?”
“Ma. Ma. MA. MAAA! I need them!”
“Need what?” I pointed frantically at my feet. “Sweetie, what?”
“MA! I need them for my feet. I need them. You know. For cold.” I reached down and pet my own feet to illustrate.
“Socks, munchkin?”
“No no no no no. JESUS. I need the TUNNELS. THE TUNNELS FOR MY FEET.”
(Slippers.) — Carrie Hill Wilner
Me: I’m very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very nervous.
*pause* I need to get out of this line, NOW.
My mom: Well…
Me: RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW
My mom: Lucy, I can’t…
Me: GET ME OUTTA THIS LINE!!!!!!!!!
Me: Nonoononononononononononononono!
My mom: (waking up) Wha…what? what is it, Lucy?
Me: NO! NONONO!
My mom: What is it?
Me: Dale!
Mom: What?
Me: Dale’s hat!!!
Mom: Dale’s hat?
Me: It CAN’T BE!!!!!!!!
**silence**
Me: AHHHHHH!
Anna: What, Lucy, what?
Me: Oh…it’s just a cowboy. a dirty cowboy.
Anna: What??
Me: He’s just a dirty cowboy, with a unibrow.
Me: Let me know if you see him.
Me: MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom: Um, yes, Lucy?
Me: *silence*
Me: SCHNICK SCHNICK SCHNICK SCHNICK SCHNICK SCHNICK SCHNICK
Me: What? What? What? What?
Max: Lucy?
Me: ZOMBIES.
Max: Zombies?
Me: No. CANNIBALS.
Me, wide-eyed: Are you my mother? (I lean in to peer at my mother’s face)
My mom: Yes, I am your mother, dear.
Me: Oh, yeah.
Previously: The Best Time I Flashed Someone.