Is Dancing Around While Holding a Beer Bottle Like It’s My Penis a Turn-off?

by A Dude

So I somewhat recently got out of a relationship and am trying to get back in the game by getting together with my friends and going out to parties — something I shied away from while off in girlfriend-land. Now, while I may have goals in mind to have a casual hookup with some of the fine fellows I meet at said party, generally the alcohol takes over, my brain goes into party overdrive, and things never go quite as planned… (I am dancing alone yelling/singing/rapping the words to my favorite song, take my bottle of beer and in a moment of pure genius hold it to my crotch as if it were my prosthetic penis and dance like that for a while, stumble around generally wreaking havoc, etc.) So, if my only intentions are a casual hookup, will guys go after the goofy confident girl who may be slightly acting a fool, or should I tone it down, put on a good dress, and sip my glass coyly as I glide demurely around the scene?

First of all, YOU WIN AT PARTIES. Feats of recreational invention like the prosthetic penis dance are why people throw parties in the first place. (Unless we’re talking about formal dinner parties, I guess. If you’re acting up that badly at a formal dinner party, the only appropriate response is “please marry me so we can ruin formal dinner parties together for the rest of our lives.”)

Will your drunken shenanigans scare away the fellas? Probably not — but they can have a similar enough effect that I can understand why you ask. When dudes see a lady having that great of a time on her own, they aren’t going to think, “oh dearie how unladylike,” but they might just think that alone and happy means happy to be left alone. Don’t tone down your behavior, because that’s fake and boring, but maybe try some more group-oriented mayhem? Plenty of crazy drunken activities invite (or even press-gang) other people to join in. Get some facetime with these dudes so you can show them you’re fun and available.

What number hook up is the appropriate time to bust out your Adina Howard Freak Like Me? If it’s the first hook up and a girl makes some specific kinky request, is that a) weird, b) a turn on c) AWESOMETOWN or d) whorish? Thank ye kindly.

This depends a lot on your particular kink. (And a bit on the guy, but that’s out of your hands.) If you want to tie him to the headboard, get special attention to your toes, or start with a specific position — i.e. something fun and inoffensive that requires little preparation — just come right out with it, because most guys are going to find that really hot.

If it’s something potentially awkward, like involving body parts he might consider gross or a really extreme power dynamic, I would introduce it as a naughty secret you’re a little afraid to admit. He’ll press you about it, guaranteed, and if he then finds it weird, you’ve got cover in that you didn’t want to tell him in the first place. If he’s enthusiastic or intrigued (much more likely outcomes), the worst you’ll get is teasing about being so secretive.

In general, with anything short of an exhibitionist Catholic-themed scat fantasy, my advice is to put it out there earlier rather than later. Any guy who thinks a woman to with specific sex fantasies is slutty is not worth your time.

DUDE: Are you more, “I’m secretly happy the patriarchy has worked out for me” or “I secretly think girls have it easier”? If you absolutely had to pick one.

Are you kidding? The patriarchy has been scattering palm fronds ahead of me every step I’ve ever taken. The patriarchy stops just short of bringing me 7-Up and chicken soup in bed every time I get a sniffle. The patriarchy invented whiskey and then told everyone it was a ‘man drink’ so I wouldn’t have to compete with girls to get it.

Girls have a few things easier. They aren’t taught from birth that being confused or uncertain is a shameful state of affairs that they have to hide from everyone. (Which fortunately isn’t a problem for me, thanks to my UNASSAILABLE CONFIDENCE AND PRETERNATURAL WISDOM.) They have more specialty channels on cable. I personally think that ladies have more of an advantage in dating than most of them realize. But dudes definitely win the balance of the gendered perks.

I will say that the advantage of being a dude is nowhere near what it used to be. I also think that I get more free rides for my skin color than my junk.

I’m in my mid-late 20s and haven’t had a lot of sexual experience, for no real reason other than it hasn’t happened (didn’t date a lot, not a hook-up person, insecure, I could go on but it doesn’t matter). These days I’m dating again and am starting to get nervous about those first few encounters. Because I’m clearly insecure about it, I’m the kind of person who’d awkwardly bring it up with a guy, in a way that would clearly indicate “sorry if I’m not that good and/or weird about this!” But something tells me that’s a buzzkill and not cute and I should probably just keep my mouth shut? Because fucking isn’t that complicated … right?!!

I would almost always err on the side of communication. There’s no reason for him not to have some idea how experienced or inexperienced you are. Neither is anything to be ashamed of. But you’re right, this is not so much a communication thing as an insecurity thing. That hypothetical quote there basically says “I am terrible and strange!” which I can all but guarantee you aren’t.

No matter how experienced he is, your partner is going to be nervous the first couple of times you hook up, too. Every lady is different, and he still has to learn what you do and don’t like. He wants to impress you so that the first couple of encounters don’t turn into the only couple of encounters. What I am saying is that experience does not stop you from getting nerves, it just teaches you that nerves are normal. They don’t make you a buzzkill or not cute, so long as you don’t take them too seriously.

I have a friend who I’ve always thought was sexy. Over the summer, we had an ongoing flirtation and before he left town we openly admitted our attraction to each other (if it counts for anything, he said it first). During the times when we’ve both been back in town for the holidays, we’ve slept together twice; both times we were very drunk and with almost no recollection of it the morning after. Then, we both spent the night at a mutual friend’s, and when we woke up the next morning he tried to have sex with me. He was very persistent; I said no because, well honestly, I thought we might get walked in on. Anyway, it isn’t unlike him to bluntly proposition a girl: I know he’s done this to girls he hasn’t even slept with, but he was never so bold with me before. What do you think? Was he just confident I wouldn’t say no because we’ve had sex already, or has he lost all respect for me?

I tend to believe your first guess is the right one. In fact, I have to ask, did you tell him that you were worried about being walked in on and that otherwise you might say yes? Because I can totally see flashing through this guy’s brain:

Oh god. What? I was fuckable before. Why not now? Did she only sleep with me because she was drunk? Was she only politely reciprocating over the summer? Does she totally regret ever looking at me? Was I… oh god what if I was terrible and she told everyone and no woman will ever sleep with me again?

Men do freak out about this sort of thing sometimes. He may have been especially persistent because he was getting desperate for affirmation that your refusal didn’t reflect poorly on his performance. It’s also possible he was just horny and disappointed to learn the limits of the benefits package that came with your friendship. He may get really turned on by the risk of discovery — or he may just be kind of entitled about sex because he knows he’s hot. Without more of a window into his brain, it’s hard to say.

I can say that none of the elaborate scenarios I’ve been able to dream up include him losing all respect for you. He was your friend last summer and realized you were sexy; you had sex a couple of times this winter and seem to have continued being friends. Loss of respect would, I think, disrupt either that friendship or the desire for sex (which is why I think it’s plausible that he thinks you’ve lost respect for him). Being blunter about requests for sex once you’ve had sex a couple of times isn’t weird enough to register on my warning-sign-o-meter.

Previously: Sex, Spanx, and Period Surprises.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?