How to Make the Special K Diet Work for You

by Halle Kiefer

Having done the Special K diet a couple years ago, I know that some of you are undoubtedly struggling to get through your two weeks of self-inflicted cereal purgatory. I know I was! For the three days that I did it. So for those brave few, here are a few quick tips to make your jaws go up and down enough times to get through the next 14 days:

1. Other than Special K brand cereal products, keep only unprepared food and condiments in your house. Then when you find yourself eating a bowl of Special K Chocolatey Delight mixed with dried penne and sriracha, your self-loathing might finally be enough to change your ever-increasing tendency toward failure. If it doesn’t, what will?

2. Buy everything, like Special K Savory Herb crackers, in single-serving bags. Eat one, then have your roommate hide the rest of the bags through your apartment. Buy her ear plugs so she can’t hear you screaming and crying at 4:00 in the morning as you run around looking for them. The blood streaming down your scraped shins technically counts as calories lost.

3. Duct tape your fingers together so you can’t open that Special K Peaches & Berries Cereal Bar when you aren’t really hungry. Bonus: Also enhances your imitation of The Penguin. “My babies!” you’ll cry as the box slips to the floor again and again.

4. If you don’t want to eat the rest of, say, a Special K Strawberry Fruit Crisp, throw it in the garbage. When that doesn’t work, pour dish-washing liquid on it. When that doesn’t work, crumble it into an empty peanut butter tub. Fill the tub the rest of the way with dog feces, then set the whole thing on fire and jam it down the trash compactor. REE REE REE is the sound the trash compactor will make, but don’t worry. When you’re roommate comes home, shimmy down the rain pipe and run to the front door behind her like you’re only just getting home. When she asks why you’re wearing pajama pants with no shoes, look at her like she’s the crazy one.

5. If you drive to work, you might be tempted to stop at a fast food place on your way home, so keep a box of Special K Red Berries in the glove compartment for snacking. Better yet, roll down the passenger side window one inch and pour in box after box of Special K Red Berries cereal until your car is totally filled with cereal except for where you sit and a small patch of the windshield for you to look out of. Drive, drive, drive. Never stop driving.

Previously: I Didn’t Know Other People Didn’t Know I Wasn’t Pregnant.

Halle Kiefer is a comedian and writer living in Brooklyn. Please visit her at mustanghalle.tumblr.com and give her work and treats.