Standing to Pee No Longer the Impossible Dream

Nope, this is not a joke. This is the trailer for Stand2Pee, the revolutionary new program that promises to teach women — in as few as two urine-drenched hours — how to “pee standing up in the comfort of [their] own home, without the need for gizmos, gadgets or training wheels.” Yes, a mere $16.95 unlocks the secret to peeing at a urinal from “between 2.5 feet and 3 feet in distance” and possibly even “over five feet,” which means you wouldn’t even need to wait for that guy in front of you to finish — just stand behind him and blast your urine over his shoulder in an elegant arc. Because it does involve “blast”ing.

According to SF Weekly’s Lauren Smiley, who paid for and watched the tutorial,

In the video, she instructs two students on the au naturel technique, reciting lines like “Blast that pee out of there!” and “Let’s knock this out!” in a detached and professional tone. She tells the women the secret: holding your skin aside so as to not break the pee stream, spreading and locking your knees, and abruptly starting and stopping the stream like a man to prevent drizzling. The students start pantless in the shower, and graduate to streaming with pants on, zipper down, into a toilet and, lastly, a urinal.

Amazing. Stunned silence.