Introducing the Cast of the Canadian Jersey Shore

by Liz Colville

Canada has an outstanding record as far as protecting the environment goes, but judging from a soon-to-debut Jersey Shore spinoff called Lake Shore, Canadian people are really much more confusing than trees and animals and their names are hard to remember, so they just call each other by their ethnicity, e.g. The Jew, The Turk, The Albanian. You really get the feeling that the cast of Jersey Shore love each otherish, but these guys, I don’t know. Anyway, here’s what they have to say for themselves:

“Nobody knows shit about life like the way I do.” — The Turk
“My name is Tommy Hollywood aka Lake Shore Tommy aka Pretty Boy Floyd aka Money Mayweather Tommy aka King of the Hood.” — The Czech
“I’m just not a normal human being, and people wanna see that. People wanna see originality, and that’s totally me. Most people hate me, but the people that hate me, I don’t give a shit! Because tons of people will love me, which is amazing!” — The Romanian Jew
“I’m blunt, forward, exuberant…pestimistic [sic].” — The Lebanese
“Loyal, sexy, whatever.” — The Pole
“My location is your destination.” — The Czech (again)
“I picture myself in a suit, telling people about how to go fuck themselves.” — The Albanian

Here’s the full introductory video, if you really want it: