How to Never Get Invited Anywhere Ever Again

This depressingly grim guide to un-alcoholifying the holidays does little to glamorize the life of the abstainer. For instance, “You don’t need an open bar stocked with every kind of booze to be a great host. Just serve wine and beer, or one drink, like wine spritzers.” Wine spritzers? Uh oh. Also, “reconsider one-stop shopping at the liquor store for hostess gifts … Instead, try mixed nuts [or] vegetables from your garden.” Hmm. Oh and, “For years your family has sat around guzzling beer and watching football … Why not suggest a long walk among the leaves? Or a … group dance à la The Big Chill?” : (

Sobriety’s like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls when she first gets to school and all the nerds befriend her because she doesn’t know who to hang out with yet. (Although I guess the nerds end up being her real friends in the end because they’re good people and the cool girl gets diarrhea or something?)